'He was beautiful and dead': a sincere story of a mother who lost her baby during childbirth
'03.09.2020'
Source: Lady.tut.by
LADY.TUT.BY published a post by photographer Anna Gertman, who, together with the presenter Katya Pytleva, is doing a project in support of parents who have lost their children. If you are unsure of how to come to terms with pain and despair, we recommend reading this.
- I saw many comments under one post that grief is eternal and does not go anywhere, that time does not heal, that pain will remain with us forever. I want to write this post to convey a little faith and hope to everyone. Time really does not heal: we heal ourselves.
And then a remark immediately follows: I am talking only about antenatal fetal death at a long time or the death of a baby immediately after childbirth.
I hug everyone who is faced with the loss of a child. And I want to tell you how I live after 6,5 (slightly less) years of loss.
I gave birth to the baby at 40 weeks, his heart was no longer beating, we learned about this in childbirth. He was handsome (they brought him to show him), healthy (autopsy revealed no abnormalities) and dead. Then I learned about my Leiden mutation (hereditary thrombophilia), in which a blood clot can form during pregnancy.
On the subject: Host Larry King lost two children: they died three weeks apart
I hardly remember the first months, there was a shock. I went to meditation at five in the morning and smoked three cigarettes on the way (I started smoking as soon as I was discharged from the hospital). I only got up to smoke. I sobbed endlessly and screamed very hard, I had friends with me, some people really spoke nonsense about sins, among them even one doctor (this complicated the grief, but did not slow it down).
I talked endlessly about the loss to everyone and cried. And I didn’t listen to those who said that “enough is enough, enough, you are too grieving”. I grieved as much as I could. I went to a psychologist, played in a psychological theater for a year. Six months later, it was covered with a new wave of despair and pain. Lost another pregnancy at 4 weeks.
Then she got pregnant and took out her son for injections. And the first year with him was an endless struggle with myself. Mark revealed everything that was hidden. I went to a psychologist again, and when he was two years old, I went to the place where I gave birth to my first child. We went everywhere, to all places, I took pictures, talked with the midwife, we cried (my husband's sister was with me then, her support was immeasurable, like my gratitude to her now and to everyone who supported me). I cried a lot again. I returned home and realized that he was not there. My son was definitely not lost anywhere, he left us, and from that moment I began to let him go.
Now the youngest is 4 years old.
I don’t feel the pain of loss, I don’t feel the injustice in it, I don’t feel anger. The world is simply unjust in itself, and we will all die (this position also supports me very much in the sense that there are things that do not depend on us). My eldest son and my second pregnancy are not pain and grief, but a part of me, my heart, my personality, my history. My strength (of course, I would choose a living child, not strength) and my boundless love. I want to say that it is possible to live without pain and grief. Live remembering pregnancy and baby with love and gratitude.
At the first stages, I was helped by the support of relatives, friends, stupid physical actions, smoking (quit after two months), a psychologist. Then books, articles, theater, training, work on a project, conversations. Then the birth of a child (here Mark revealed everything that had not been expressed and worked out before him). He generally opens all the abscesses, but that's a completely different story. The story of love and birth of me as a mother of a living child.
Thank you my sons! Thanks to the first children for opening the way to Mark's life, for standing behind him. And to Mark for being.
On the subject: 'This is very scary': Nelly Kobzon told how Svetlana Morgunova, who lost her son, lives
The worst thing is when children die before their parents. This violates our understanding of the norm, of how the world should work. And yet, when death depends on no one and no one is to blame for it, over time it is accepted. Through pain, through grief, but it is accepted without destroying the foundation on which life is built. It becomes a part of life and through its darkness leads to the value of the light of our presence here.
