I'm breaking on a child: will he have a psychotrauma?
'07.04.2022'
Source: deti.mail.ru
Moms are not iron, sometimes they also lose their nerves. What if, in a fit of anger, you shouted or even hit a child?
Many mothers, especially those who are ardent opponents of physical punishment, are very worried if for some reason they have splashed negative emotions on the child, writes deti.mail.ru. They fear that now he will certainly have a psychological trauma. Is it so? The system family psychologist and mother of two children Marina Rizvanova tells.
The child is to blame
I would divide all mothers in this aspect into three groups. The first is those who regularly resort to physical punishment and consider it the norm. Usually they are guided by the attitudes “you won’t grow up normal without a belt”, “I was flogged and nothing - I became a man”, “you need to keep your son in tight rein”. Often these are parents who were “raised with a whip”, and now they repeat their experience, considering physical punishment the only effective measure.
The second category of parents are those who have the opposite attitude: “I was beaten as a child, I was hurt and offended, so I myself (myself) will never do this.” Or are they mothers who are supporters of a humanistic approach to raising children, who are aware of the negative consequences of screaming and physical punishment. Such parents, if they break loose, then experience a huge sense of guilt, they themselves may burst into tears, apologize to the child, sincerely regret the cry and promise "never to do this again."
The third category of mothers, in principle, does not approve of physical punishment, but in a fit of anger or because of strong fear (the child suddenly ran out onto the road and miraculously did not get hit by a car), they can shout, slap, punish. For them, this is not the norm, as for the first category, but they justify themselves by saying that “the child is to blame, he brought it down”, “there was no more strength to endure” and so on.
Mothers know if their child is vulnerable or not
Physical punishment, of course, can not be considered the norm. However, they have different effects on different children. The degree of trauma depends largely on the temperament of the child. For example, choleric and melancholic children can react to a mom's disruption more strongly, remember it for a long time, harbor a grudge. Sanguine and phlegmatic less vulnerable, switch faster, forget the negative experience. Usually, mothers themselves know whether the child is vulnerable or not.
The traumatic nature of an event is highly dependent on the context. I know children from dysfunctional families who are brought up exclusively by their parents with a belt and a scream. So here they are - at least something. And sometimes a child “beloved” and overprotected after the first mother’s breakdown gets an appointment with a psychologist, because, for example, he began to stutter or he developed enuresis.
This, of course, does not mean that the child must be periodically flogged as a preventive measure, “in order to get used”. Ideally, violent parenting measures should be avoided. And in order to succeed, it is necessary to begin to figure out where aggression is generally taken in relation to such a beloved and long-awaited child.
Children as lightning rods
The two most common causes are anger (anger) and fear. Moms usually get angry when a child does not obey, doing what was forbidden to him again and again. And fear, or rather, fear, arises when there is a threat to his life (the child ran onto the road, got lost in the shopping center, opened the door to a stranger). Mom has a strong emotional reaction, she screams or roughly treats the child, because "trouble could happen."
Such violent emotional reactions in parents often occur against the background of serious mental exhaustion. A happy, balanced parent is able to control himself and still do without screaming. But, let's say, a mother works, takes care of the house and the child, she sorely lacks time for herself and for rest. And in social networks, she sees completely different scenarios - happy mothers in expensive resorts with perfect figures, angel children and a billionaire husband. Dissatisfaction with one's life accumulates and pours out on the child at the moment of peak experiences.
Another common cause of breakdowns is high stress in the family. In such a situation, children act as a lightning rod. Often couples come to the reception who have a very tense relationship, but they complain not about each other, but about the child. He “walks on his head”, and “does not obey anyone”, and “remarks from teachers at school every day”. In fact, the child unconsciously provokes the parents so that they discharge all the accumulated tension on him. Thus, he, in fact, saves the family from divorce.
Life on the minus
If the cause of breakdowns lies in psychological exhaustion, then the first thing you need to do is answer yourself the question “What devastates me the most, and what gives me strength?” A woman is usually "filled" with energy when she is doing what is important and interesting for her. Even the smallest things help.
I recommend making a list of 100 pleasant trifles and devoting yourself to them one by one each day. For example, “today I will eat my favorite dessert”, “and tomorrow I will finally go for a facial massage that I have long dreamed of”, “I will go to visit my friend on the weekend”, “and on Monday a new issue of my favorite magazine comes out”. It only at first glance seems that 100 amenities cannot be invented. When you start, it turns out that there are actually many more of them.
Give yourself 30 minutes a day
By the way, it is important for a man to understand how beneficial it is for him to allow a woman to psychologically recover. Believe me, if a woman is happy, then everyone is happy, and vice versa.
30 minutes per day, dedicated only to yourself - this is a psychological safety technique for mom and excellent prevention of disruption.
Someone is “restored” through kinesthetics - touch, massage, hot baths, aromatherapy and sport. Someone likes audio methods - music, communication, talking on the phone. It is important for mothers-visuals to contemplate beauty - to go to exhibitions, to walk in parks, to always see flowers at home, to constantly receive new visual impressions.
That is, in order to enter a state of harmony, you need to “cut off” from yourself what drains you and “connect” to sources of energy and vitality. It is possible to live constantly on the minus, but why?
If you want to scream, blow out the candles
When you feel on the verge of a breakdown, it is important to be able to stop in time. For example, if you are at home and there is nothing dangerous for the child nearby, you can leave the room for a couple of minutes, and when you calm down, return and calmly explain to him what made you so angry.
At yoga, my daughter and I learned an interesting and very effective method - “blowing out candles”. When I feel like things are heating up, I immediately turn on the game element and say: “So, I have 5 cakes and 20 candles. How many do you have?" The daughter gets involved in the game and answers: “I have three cakes and 17 candles.” Then we begin to blow out these imaginary candles and with each new cycle of inhalation and exhalation we calm down more and more. The mechanism of this exercise is simple - there is a quick switch of attention, and counting numbers helps to transfer activity from the emotional zone of the brain to the rational one.
play traffic light
There is another excellent method associated with the imagination, it is - "traffic light". Agree with the child that before you get angry and scream, you will say the following phrase: "My traffic light is already yellow and will soon turn orange." Older children are well aware of the metaphors and can assess the consequences of the “red traffic light”.
Julia Gippenreiter and many other psychologists recommend using the so-called I-statements, that is, voicing the emotions that you are experiencing. For example, when I leave for work, my daughter sometimes starts crying and demands attention intensely. Then I say: “I see that you are upset. You wanted to be with me longer. But mom has to go to work. When I return, we will definitely read your favorite book.”
As if by a wave of a magic wand, a child calms down and comes to his senses in a matter of minutes. However, not only children, it is easier for any person to control emotions when he sees that he is understood, listened to and informed when his desires are fulfilled.
A single breakdown does not injure
If you are lost on a child for the first time, then for a start, calm down yourself, and then bring it to life. Hug, explain what made you mad. Agree on how you will act in similar situations in the future.
Children have a fairly adaptive psyche, so you should not be afraid that due to a single breakdown, the child will be traumatized for life. It is much more important to analyze the reasons that led to the emotional explosion and work to ensure that this does not happen again in the future.
Tell us if you manage to raise children without crying and physical punishment. How do you stay calm in tense situations?
