'I do terrible things to lose weight': personal experience of living with anorexia
'19.05.2022'
Source: health.mail.ru
Everyone has their own motivation for losing weight. For some, it's just a desire to wear a certain size, for others it's much more. Sometimes even more significant than life itself, and it is terrifying. Relationships with food speak eloquently about a person’s relationship with himself and with the world: dislike, inattention, lack of recognition, problems with self-esteem - all this is somehow reflected in what a person eats. Or not eating.
“Medicine is not that powerless in the treatment of anorexia. But, for example, in Russia, there is no legal framework for its treatment, so there is no consensus among doctors on how to help patients. Many experts, unfortunately, give too much importance to the influence of the "ideals" of beauty on the victims of anorexia, which partly devalues their psychological problems. Yes, this disease “is not a socially dangerous form of behavior,” but it destroys the patient’s personality - like a real mental illness, ”writes health.mail.ru.
Daria told her story to the publication. Now she is 21 a year old, her height is 164 cm, and her weight was different.
For the first time, Daria thought about him at school, because from childhood she was inclined to be overweight, for which she was attacked by classmates.
“I more often responded to the 'cow' than to my name. Everyone considered it his duty to call me, push me, smear my things, throw out my briefcase. She didn't tell her parents - she didn't want to be a sneak besides the cow. I had friends, but when the persecution began, they ran over to the side of the offenders, ”the girl recalls.
In the seventh grade, with a weight of 70 kg, Daria, following the example of her friend, sat on kefir and dropped 10 kg. During the 10th grade, she gained 75 kg. I tried proper nutrition and sports, went hungry, exhausted, but lost only 3 kilograms.
“I was offended: I tried so hard, plowed in the gym, and outwardly, this weight loss was not even noticeable. Then I found out about a girl who is losing weight on pills (antidepressants - Approx. Ed.) And my transformation began. They suppressed hunger well, I limited myself to food. She removed flour, fried, sweets. Mom supported, but I did not tell her about the drugs right away. The weight went away quickly - I was happy. I began to subscribe to publics about anorexia, thinness, I was interested in this topic, pictures that motivated and gave strength to go further ”.
Then Daria learned about other drugs: laxatives and diuretics. She also began to take them, but not often. I lost weight up to 57 kilograms.
“I became a star. Everyone asked me, admired me, everyone was drawn to me. I was beaming with happiness, ”recalls Daria.
“After the diet, I simply limited myself, but I didn’t quit the pills. Admitted to the University. And at some point I realized that since I am thin, I can eat whatever I want. I began to consume sweets in unlimited quantities, and the weight began to increase. Then I decided that I would induce vomiting after every “nasty / sweet” eaten. It got to the point where I wasn’t even scared to do it in dirty public toilets.”
In her second year, Daria became addicted to fast food. I tried to “clear my stomach” (that is, induce vomiting), but the weight was still gaining. Depression began, which the girl seized.
“It got to the point where I stopped going to school: I woke up, went to McDonald's, ate, and went home. Only fast food and sweets - normal food did not exist for me. I was in a terrible state: I sat at home and cried, seizing tears with cakes. By the summer of that year, I weighed 95 kilograms, ”the girl admits.
A friend turned away from Daria. Only a cousin remained nearby. Dasha called her mother in despair, she promised to support, and she went home.
“When my parents met me from the train, I saw their faces. Despite the fact that I warned my mother about my weight, seeing this with my own eyes, my parents were amazed. They said that they urgently put me on a diet. At the same time, everything was with some kind of aggression, pressure. There were no words of support, only shouting, scandals. I wanted to hear: “You can do it, you are good, try,” but I heard only: “Look at you, fat! How is it possible: you sit at home, you are ashamed of yourself, you punished the whole family, because because of your weight we cannot go with you to rest somewhere.
“During the day, my mother fed me vegetables, boiled breast, and when no one saw, I ate sweets,” recalls Daria.
“When I got home, I started eating even more. I hated myself, I had suicide attempts. My sister was nearby, only she supported, stopped, inspired me that I could do anything. Soon my weight reached 110 kg. Arriving once again at McDonald's, I saw my reflection in the mirror and was horrified. I realized that it was a nightmare to weigh 20 kilograms at the age of 110.”
The girl decided to act and as quickly as possible. She wanted to please the boys, to wear fashionable things. Dasha greatly reduced the calorie content of her daily diet, began to keep a food diary.
“She was angry, shouted at everyone, twitched. But you get used to everything. I never thought that the diet could be high. The results appeared within a week. I ate mostly berries, fruits, boiled turkey / rabbit / chicken. I weighed everything, counted calories, wrote down, and I loved it so much! I constantly dreamed of what beautiful clothes I would wear when I lost weight, how everyone would admire me. I subscribed to all the existing groups about anorexia, thinness, looked for hours at photos in these groups, and that was the best motivation. "
Daria added pills to the diet again. When she weighed about 75 kg, she suddenly went to the hospital: gall bladder stones appeared due to malnutrition and weight loss. A few months after the operation, she weighed 57 kilograms, and when she reached 55 kg, she wanted 50. And it turned out.
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“Beautiful clothes, admiration, compliments - it was all there. But I was not happy with what I see in the mirror. Problems began: weakness, low blood pressure, fainting, tachycardia. The desire to become beautiful grew into madness. The weight of 50 kg did not suit me anymore - and now I weigh 48.
I do scary things to lose weight - things that are incomprehensible and kill me. But I give myself an account of this: I want to be a skeleton, I want to scare people with my thinness. I want my photos to be in all these publics and groups that inspired me when I was fat. I want to achieve 36–38 kg. And I will, ”she says.
“I am not afraid of problems and even death. I just want to be the thinnest, ”explains Daria.
“My parents are in a panic, they threaten me with a psychiatric hospital. I don't go to doctors - I can't stand them. I do not suffer, but seek and enjoy. I threw my “before” and “after” photos to many groups and could not think that hundreds of girls would start writing to me, asking for advice, and admiring me. When I read the comments, I just melt with bliss. Here it is - the moment when they post me in public, from which I drew inspiration when I weighed 110 kg! I feed on it instead of eating.
I broke myself and destroyed, but it was worth it. I like my body more and more every day. Bones, pallor. As for nutrition, everything has become easier: more and more often there is no appetite. There is no food that I would like to feel in my mouth, to feel its taste, ”admits Daria.
During the entire last weight loss, the girl did not have a single breakdown. She knew that if she didn't lose weight now, she would remain fat forever. Now Dasha continues her studies, in her free time she walks, watches films, shoots a classic bow and ... cooks! Mostly sweets. Not for yourself - for home. In this, the girl also sees the education of willpower - to cook, but not eat a crumb herself. This is such self-control.
Pavel Bukov, a psychotherapist, commented on the history of Daria and the problem of anorexia as a whole for Health Mail.ru.
“Anorexia mainly affects girls and girls, whose average age is 14-18 years. The heroine of our story belongs to this category. Her anorexia is combined with bulimia: one eating disorder is abruptly replaced by another, which complicates treatment.
Among the many eating disorders, anorexia occupies a special place. Maybe because the mortality statistics from this disease are frightening (according to various estimates, 5 to 10% of patients die). Of course, the appearance of seriously ill patients who voluntarily refuse to eat is also frightening.
The anorexic state noticeable to others develops gradually, not in one year, but everything can start with an offensive provoking remark. Next comes the stage of voluntary restriction in nutrition, after which the patient can form an anorexic dominant - a persistent aversion to food.
On the subject: A girl weighing 31 kg was saved from anorexia by tips from the Internet. PHOTO
Anorexic subculture plays a significant role in this, singing a special ideal of beauty: pallor, low weight, lack of visible muscle relief. Thousands of anorectic social media groups offer weight loss recipes, support, marathons and more. The picture of anorexia in girls is often superimposed on adolescence. In refusing food, they find an opportunity to express their adolescent protest, to stand out.
It is important that people with anorexia are different from those who often diet. The latter strive to achieve a certain weight and keep it. Anorectics, on the other hand, are not fixed on a specific number, their desired weight is constantly shifting to smaller and smaller values. These patients change their perception of themselves, there is a conflict with others who condemn voluntary self-harm.
The basis for the development of anorexia is psychological trauma in childhood. The impetus can be simply the lack of love and indifference of loved ones, especially parents.
There is no consensus among experts on what to do if the anorectic refuses help and wants to continue to destroy himself. Some experts suggest leaving the patient alone and letting him manage his life as he sees fit. Another group of specialists, including myself, believes that it is necessary to use all the ways permitted by law to influence the patient, to persuade him to decide to return to a normal life and adequate eating habits. "
