'I almost committed suicide': stories of women who failed to recover from school trauma
'05.09.2019'
Source: lady.mail.ru
Columnist lady.mail.ru Daria Korolkova graduated from school more than 20 years ago, however, every August the “Soon to school” posters make her shudder. And, as it turned out, not only her alone.
I was going to the 1 class in 7,5 years. I said that I am able to read and write, retold the texts fluently, recited the verse and told who the parents work / what their names are, and answered some other questions.
At this interview (then it was the norm), the teacher asked me if I wanted to go to second grade right away. Of course, I was flattered by this, and I (my mother was waiting in the hallway) agreed to undergo testing for admission. It consisted of a dictation, solving a number of examples, reading a text and answering questions about it, and a short essay-story (oral) in the spirit of “How I Spent the Summer”.
It all ended at the first stage. I sat down, took a piece of paper, and the teacher dictated to me: "September 1, dictation." Diligently, in block letters, I deduced: "The first of September."
And the abysses opened. “Don’t you know the names of the months? Why are you writing in print? What do you think of yourself? You lied to me that you can write? Are not you ashamed? She exhibited herself so smart, but in reality - zilch? Go call mom. ”
Those 10 minutes that mom was inside, I still remember. I’m nobody, an impostor, I don’t know anything, a liar and a liar. Yes, then they comforted me, they sent me to another class and to another teacher, but this self-esteem collapse from “I was considered worthy of more” to “I’m nothing” still responds to me. I don’t believe too much in praise, I’m always afraid that I’ll be exposed and that I’m not a professional, but shit on the shovel.
And I'm not the only one.
Fear of public speaking
- Lena (45), specialist in banking:
“I was very shy, and the teacher believed that I needed to overcome myself, and gave me the role of leading at the school holiday. I rehearsed, it seemed to be not bad, but on the day of the concert I went on stage in front of the full assembly hall and realized that I could not utter a word. Although the text remembered to the point.
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I burst into tears and ran away behind the curtain. Our teacher stood there, who told me: “With such a character, you will be a failure in life.” And I believed. Throughout the school I trampled from 3 to 4, I never participated in competitions, and so far the thought that I need to speak at the annual banking conference makes me sweat and cold sweat.
Three times I refused to be promoted, because I was scared to lead people, scared to talk with superiors. It’s probably forever. ”
Increased anxiety
- Anna (37), designer:
“In the first grade I was not allowed to go to the toilet in the lesson, and I described myself. I was terribly ashamed, there was nothing to change clothes, my mother at work, and went home. Since then, when I plan any trip or event, I check where the toilet is and whether there is free access. And I run there as soon as possible: twice before leaving the house, once on the road, twice before the event ...
This is some kind of fixation: the worst thing is if suddenly the toilet is not nearby. Even in the shopping center, I first look at the scheme where the toilets are here, and only then can I calmly go shopping. ”
Intolerance of criticism
- Natalia (35), manager:
“In our school, public“ debriefing ”was practiced. The student who did not do homework or failed the control student was placed at the blackboard and sneezed, class shame, shame, horror.
Now, at my work, a general discussion of all projects of employees is practiced, so that everyone can get an outside view and, if necessary, help. However, I still cower in a ball when discussing my projects. It always seems to me that now they will begin to humiliate me. ”
Self-doubt
- Daria (34), owner of her own company:
“In the second grade, I got the first four in life in mathematics. I was ill almost the whole quarter, and did not know what the “control options” were, and that those sitting on the left should write the first option, and on the right - the second. I decided both, and got 4 for not following the rules of writing the work. I cried in the hallway, getting "not five" for me was a disaster.
My grandmother came to meet me there. She comforted me when the teacher came out and said (verbatim): “Dasha passed her maths a lot, she’s obviously your humanities, she won’t have fives in math, keep that in mind. It is unorganized, and mathematics is given only to those who understand the rules and know how to follow them. "
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I hated myself, dumb, dumb fool, I was afraid of mathematics all my life. She seemed to me a science for the elite. I refused to enter the psychological and sociological faculties, because I was sure that I could not cope with mathematics. When I found assignments for applicants on the network, I realized that with elementary training I would have done. But it's late. ”
Perfectionist complex
- Julia (39), translator:
“I was an excellent pupil, and from school, my worst fear was to publicly admit that I did not know something. I went to school to demonstrate, rather than gain knowledge, so the next year's program I went through in the summer, to get fives right from September. The teachers adored me, always set an example to others, and I was obliged to justify trust.
Until now, I’m terribly nervous if I come across a word, phrase or context that I don’t understand at work. I never ask colleagues because then they will understand that I don’t know something. I must be the best, they appointed me in the first grade. ”
Fear of judgment
- Olga (42), head of department in a private company:
“We studied in the 6 class, when we canceled school uniforms and everyone started going to what extent. My classmate’s parents traveled abroad, and they brought him a fashionable sports suit in those days, reaped, voluminous, bright green.
As I remember now, there was a math lesson. And our mathematician brought him to the blackboard and said: “Do you guys think this boy has at least something in his head if he appeared in school in this form?” The class exploded. Everyone laughed, said that the boy looked like a homeless person, that plumbers dressed in such clothes, that he looked like a chewed balloon ...
The teacher assented and smiled rather, but I did not know where to put my eyes. Everything, of course, was overgrown with past, but I still, choosing clothes, think: what will others say? Do I look ridiculous or funny? Yes, it’s convenient and comfortable for me, but what if they condemn me? Suddenly they will begin to discuss behind? ”
Distrust of people
- Marina (48), freelancer:
“Our teacher in elementary school somehow decided to conduct an experiment: one student leaves the classroom, the rest in his absence say that they think about him, what he is, and then they read to the returnee what the class thinks of him.
I was the first. When I returned, I heard something that almost killed myself. And for the rest of my life I remembered that in the eyes of other people I’m not what I consider myself to be. And she’s always ready for this person to consider me trash, upstart or ugly. I trust few people. And I have almost no friends. ”
Unwillingness to communicate with son's teachers
- Snejana (40), marketer:
“The school gives me such horror, in principle, that when it came time to enroll the eldest son in first grade, I entrusted the whole process to my husband. I physically could not go to any school and imagine that I was talking with teachers. Nooo.
I did not go to any meeting, I can’t convince myself that they will not scold me, shame me, say that I am bad and my son is bad, and I am to blame for everything. I understand that this is terrible, but in front of any teacher I feel like a naughty first-grader. Because every time after the meeting at my school, my mother came upset and pissed me off, saying that you are so-and-so again, the teachers are trying, they are teaching you, and you ... "
Let’s do at least something so that our children don’t twitch their eyes at the word “school”.
