'I was a guy with menstruation': stories of people born with atypical sex characteristics
'21.09.2020'
Source: with the BBC
“At 22, I found out that I am intersex. And every day after that is ten times happier than my previous life, ”says Irina Kuzemko. She has one of 40 possible intersex variations. This means the presence of male and female chromosomes and has nothing to do with gender identity or sex drive. Air force.
This determines the anatomical features: people may have the reproductive system of one sex, and the external genital organs of the other. This is an example of just one variation.
Intersex variation as such does not relate to a person's sex drive and gender identity. Although they can make it difficult for a person to determine the first and second for himself.
Such people in society - from 1,2 to 1,7%. Until recently, in the media and in everyday life, they were called “hermaphrodites” or “the third sex,” which, as they themselves say, offends them. This term has been abandoned by human rights activists and international organizations.
“In fact, most of us are ordinary men and women,” says Irina.
But in everyday life, they experience many difficulties and stresses unknown to others. The reason is that society is not ready to accept and help them. Many things can be a challenge for them: from obtaining a passport to communion in church.
Many of them have to go through a painful search for an answer to the question of who I am. Sometimes - after the sex shaping operations performed in childhood.
Intersex activists and human rights defenders advocate for the right to physical integrity and the right to informed consent for surgery. They are convinced that a person can only make the right decision regarding their gender as an adult. Parents and doctors cannot decide for him who he is - a man or a woman.
The UN Global Campaign Against Homophobia and Transphobia also works on intersex rights. Its members advocate the rejection of non-urgent medical operations to shape the sex of young children.
In 2019, in Ukraine, pediatric urologists-surgeons from Lviv Okhmatdet performed an operation to form the female sex in a one-year-old child. Ukrainian intersex activists criticized the actions of doctors. Those insisted that they were ready to discuss such issues only in a professional environment. Doctors refused to talk to BBC News Ukraine.
Olena Berezovskaya, the deputy director of the Lviv Okhmatdet for the medical department, explained: “We carried out a genetic examination of the child to determine his gender. The child lives in the village. He would be heavily bullied by the time he was older and could choose gender. We chose the formation of the sex of the girl, because the male organ of the child would not function at that time. She has a uterus. It was a difficult moral decision that doctors, parents, priests and geneticists made together. ”
Why is this such a painful question?
Below are three intersex women tell their stories. They describe their path to self-acceptance.
- Irina Kuzemko, 27, intersex activist
I grew up as an ordinary girl until I reached adolescence. All of my peers started puberty, and I did not have a period. Over time, I was the only girl in the class who did not grow breasts.
I watched movies with monster heroes and identified with them. Once our class was taken to watch a movie about the puberty of girls. It was an extremely painful experience. I didn’t understand why everyone was developing the way they explained it, but I didn’t. There was no word in the film that there were still intersex variations.
I was lucky not to be bullied at school. If bullying had been added, I would not have endured it, could not have endured it. I was already sad and hard.
My mom and grandmother weren't worried that I wasn't developing like other girls. They said: “It's okay. All will be". But I felt that it was not just that. In the end, she persuaded them to take me to the gynecologist. I was 14 years old.
The doctor said I needed to make my ovaries work. And she appointed me special warming up. I went to them for several months once a week, but there was no result. I felt even sadder.
At the age of 15, my father took me to doctors in Moscow. I remember how they quickly passed me along the corridor. I didn't even have time to say hello. They did not explain anything to me. They just summoned my father to his office. He said that I should have a small operation, or even two. I didn't know what exactly they did to me. The girls asked at school, but I myself had no idea.
Once, in a conversation with my father, I threw a phrase that it would be better for me to remove everything inside. And he replied to this: "Yes, everything was deleted for you!" I was shocked. So I found out that my ovaries had been removed.
During my studies, I became even more immersed in complexes and self-loathing.
I was very dizzy, I went to a neurologist. The doctor asked if I could be pregnant. She explained that they removed my ovaries. Then they began to ask me, what kind of diagnosis? I didn't know anything.
On the internet, I found videos of intersex people and noticed that my story resonated with theirs. I decided to pick up all my medical papers and call a doctor in Moscow. When he called, his mother was standing next to him. I was scared to do it.
So at 22, I learned that at the age of fifteen they removed my testicle and non-functional tissues with elements of ovarian tissue. Since then I have been taking hormones.
I also learned that I have male chromosomes. And I have a uterus.
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After that, I had a serious conversation with my father. Once, two child psychologists advised him not to tell me that I have such peculiarities. He did just that. Since then, I have not communicated with him.
My father did not admit his mistake: he had to tell me the truth right away. My life would be different.
For several days after this news, I was in a trance. I didn't know how to live on. But I very quickly accepted myself. I now had a word to describe my form of "intersex" sexual development. Before that, I lived in the grip of uncertainty.
I discovered that intersex variation is something that is inherent in other people, they live with it calmly. This does not mean that you have to suffer. My self-esteem has grown many times over.
I also decided to engage in activism to help other children and adolescents avoid the trauma I experienced. It takes a lot of time, but it's worth it.
Doctor's comment. Julia Sidorova, pediatric endocrinologist, pediatrician
“It is necessary to clearly distinguish between operations that are performed due to a threat to the life of a child and the so-called cosmetic operations. The latter are most often done to children: their external genitals lead to a typical appearance.
There is, for example, congenital dysfunction of the adrenal cortex. With this intersex variation in a female child, the external genitals may take on masculine features. Let's say there may be clitoris hypertrophy. To bring him to a typical female form, he is opened, this condition is not life threatening.
But there are social threats. They can look askance at such a child in kindergarten, swimming pool.
Sometimes this intersex variation interferes with urine output. Then the surgical intervention is more than justified. "
Every child should be given the chance to make independent decisions about their body and gender. She will be able to do this consciously in an older age. Of course, if there is a specific problem, namely, a closed urethra through which he cannot go to the toilet, then help is needed.
Doctors often fail to explain to parents that gender shaping surgery may not be necessary at all. In fact, they are presented with a fact. Such operations can cripple people. Side effects - loss of sensitivity, infertility, chronic pain. Taking hormones puts you at risk of cancer. For example, I have to be checked regularly.
It should also be understood that intersex variation should not be confused with sexual orientation. Most of us are ordinary men and women. Most are heterosexual. There are homosexuals, just like among other people.
People with intersex variations have families and have children.
But at the same time, everyone has their own special story, because the variations themselves differ from each other. Some have mixed sex characteristics already at birth at the genital level. Some have a normal appearance, and intersex variation occurs during sexual development. It may turn out that, for example, the gonads of a child are from one sex, and the genitals are from the other.
Someone finds out about their intersex variations at the chromosome level when they cannot conceive a child.
But this is no "third sex", as we are sometimes called in the media!
Now many of my classmates, teachers, friends support me. I get a lot of positive and love from people. Every year of my life after I understood and accepted myself, everything is happier. I am a happy person, even if I have a difficult or cloudy day.
- Leah (name has been changed)
My story began already in the hospital. The doctors told my mother that I have a pathology - underdeveloped genitals. My ureter also did not look like a female or a male.
"Mom, how do you feel who was born to you: a girl or a boy?" They asked her.
Mom decided to enroll me as a girl. This was the first mistake doctors made. It was impossible to shift all the responsibility to my mother. It was necessary to understand. And they were just worried about how to discharge us. Further, they say, do what you want.
So until the age of seven I grew up as a girl. The father really wanted the girl. But he did not go beyond this desire: he left us. Probably could not stand the difficulties. There were women in our family: grandmother, mother, elder sister and me.
At the age of five, I was in a coma. Angina gave complications to the brain. After that I didn't remember anything. Mom assured me that by that time I was growing up like an ordinary child.
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Before school we went for a medical examination. The doctor at the children's clinic said to my mother: “Are you conscious? You have a boy! "
We were sent to the Institute of Urology in Kiev. I was very happy! This is such an adventure! You could see another city. But I was disappointed: that institute was located not far from the station. We got off the train, got on the tram - and now I’m at the doctors.
They admitted: I am a boy, not a girl. My documents and name were changed. I went to first grade as a boy. And there were children from the kindergarten, where everyone knew me as a girl. And my mother had to transfer me to another school.
By that time, I was not worried that this was happening to me. But when I noticed how adults are worried, I also began to worry and strain.
I refused to cut my long hair. But I didn't like girls' dresses anyway. I liked trousers and wide clothes like hoodies. I understand today that they allowed me to get away from responsibility for the choice of gender: in them it was possible to hide from this choice. It calmed me down.
This image has survived to this day.
In childhood, another problem arose - severe hormonal deficiency, due to which osteoporosis developed. That is, my bones were incredibly fragile. I have had about 40 fractures in my entire life. Usually this disease occurs in women after 50 years.
At the age of 11, I went to equestrian sports. I really liked it. But at the age of 13, a misfortune happened: a horse threw me. I woke up in the hospital with a compression fracture of the spine. They put a catheter in and, therefore, they saw my genitals and ureter. The nurses laughed at me, it is not clear who I am: a girl or a boy.
“Oh, we thought you were a girl,” they said in my eyes. They called me “our angel”.
Imagine, I am lying with a broken spine, and they still say this to me.
After I was discharged from the hospital, I lay alone at home for another year in a room where I had a bed, a chair and two bowls - for food and to go to the toilet. Mom, grandmother and sister worked all day, so there was no one to sit with me.
They ran to me because everyone had work close to home. But still, most of the time I was alone with myself, with my drawings and books. She was engaged in drawing and achieved very good results.
Once I was in such pain that I took the scissors and cut myself. So auto-aggression entered my life. Mom didn't notice anything.
The teachers didn't come to my house. The school promised that they would give normal grades. They thought about grades, not about teaching me something. Here is another mistake in our system: the teachers “wrote off” me, perceived me as a “cripple” instead of helping me to continue my studies.
The doctors did not believe that I would get on my feet. Warned that my muscles would atrophy. Mom was advised to buy a stroller and move to an apartment on the ground floor. I asked my mother to tie a twisted sheet over the bed so that she could grab it and pull herself up. So I started to train and once got to my feet. I did it without any special equipment.
School was the first place I wanted to go. It was important for me to look into the eyes of the teachers who decided that there was no point in studying with me. It took 20 minutes to go to school. After my illness, I walked for two hours.
Because of my experience, I was very sensitive to injustice. Chopped the truth off the shoulder. For this they did not like me at school. The children bullied me, they could, for example, throw my portfolio in the toilet. They knew that I could not run after them. It was also difficult to walk.
They looked at me as if I were some kind of “eccentric boy” in a hoodie with long hair.
I turned 16. And then one morning I wake up, and my bed is covered in blood. Then, ultrasound machines appeared in hospitals. I ended up in the emergency room. The ultrasound doctor suddenly, during the examination, without holding back his emotions, shouted: "Yes, there is a uterus here !!!".
He was completely oblivious to the fact that I was hearing all this. Here is an example of another ethical error of the medical profession. They always discussed all this in front of me, not paying attention, in fact, to me. And I, as a child, let it pass through myself and worried even more.
Here I am lying, which means that I am on this ultrasound and I hear that I have female genital organs. I think: “Cool, what will it be now? I like girls! ” That is, at that time I was a guy who started menstruating.
Then I wanted everything to remain as it was. For me to remove what was inside the body, which I did not see.
However, the doctors tried to convince us that it is better to leave the internal organs, because they are reproductive, fully working. And this could be used in the future! So, over the course of several years, I underwent four operations. I became a girl.
Doctor's comment. Julia Sidorova, pediatric endocrinologist, pediatrician
“Doctors rarely encounter intersex variations. For example, there are girls with such a karyotype in which the cells do not feel the testosterone released in the body. The external genital organs develop in the female pattern. However, they have male chromosomes. They constantly hear: “What do you want? You are genetically male. You won't have children! ”
Imagine how a child feels when they discover they have an intersex variation at the age of 14. And this is reported to him so rudely.
There is a lot of pressure on the parents of such children. They are asked if they are close relatives? Or maybe the mother smoked or drank during pregnancy?
But no one is safe from having an intersex child! This does not depend on family ties or on whether the mother led a healthy lifestyle during pregnancy. Moreover, there is a high probability that there are intersex people among your acquaintances. ”
At 18 I became pregnant - I had a miscarriage. There was a feeling that I was deceived. After all, they promised me that they would leave the female reproductive system so that I could become a mother. Subsequently, I became pregnant again and gave birth to a son at the age of 20. His father was younger than me. Maternal feelings did not wake up in me then. With my son, we developed rather friendly relations. I have two children: a son and a daughter.
My daughter does not live with me. I took her to kindergarten, and from there the father took the child and took her to another city. He kidnapped my child.
Throughout my life, I met a lot of different men and women. Men interested me only as a role model. I looked for myself and observed what and how they do, how they behave in bed. After all, I will have to do this too.
I didn't have emotional contact with men. I was drawn to women.
I have had four marriages. Now I'm getting ready to get married for the fifth time. We will get married. My favorite person is a transgender man, that is, he was born in a female body, but his gender identity is a man.
As a child, I was taken to church, but then it provoked resistance in me. I went my own way and now, as an adult, I independently turned to faith. I have a desire to serve in the temple.
Who knows, maybe my life would have turned out very differently if the doctors had not convinced us to do what was really not worth doing. Wouldn't there be this long search for yourself, four marriages, problems with children?
On the other hand, children, the marriage I am preparing for, coming to church - this is all my gratitude to my mother. All these years she lived with a sense of guilt, whether she did everything in order, whether she chose the right gender. It's time for her to let go of this guilt.
- Olga Onipko, 35 years old, masseuse, activist of the Alliance Ukraine Gay Alliance
My history of intersex variation is not nearly as impressive as some of the others. Outwardly, I always looked like an ordinary girl. And internally, I have just the female gender.
It all started when I started gaining weight as a teenager. In grade 10-11, they even started bullying me because of this. I started to run day and night, I ate so as to lose weight. However, I gained weight over and over again. Nobody thought about nutritionists in Zaporozhye, where we lived.
My mother was the only breadwinner in the family, she worked day and night. My father did not work at all. I also have a brother 10 years younger. Mom then had no time for me. I tried to lose weight further. All these ordeals of mine lasted until about 24 years old. I passed the tests for hormones, which found that I had a complete rogue of hormonal levels.
The endocrinologist prescribed hormones to balance the balance. After a while, from them, antennae and black hair on my neck began to grow. Imagine what it is for a 25-year-old girl who seeks to socialize, connect with others. My doctor was shocked and said that this could not be, in principle. I quit drinking those hormones. But from time to time, when money and energy appeared, I turned to more and more endocrinologists in Kharkov, Dnipro, Kiev.
They checked everything for me. Until one doctor offered to take an analysis for the karyotype, that is, for my chromosome set. And thanks to this, only four years ago I learned that I have male chromosomes, that is, I am an intersex person.
Much earlier, at the age of 24, I realized that I was a lesbian. And now imagine my condition. All my youth I was worried that I was not slim enough. Then I realized that I was homosexual. And now I still wondered, am I a woman enough? Who am I?
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My brother took my peculiarities with interest. Like, how cool! My older sisters took it with restraint. My parents accept me, love me, but they cannot talk about it. As well as the fact that my loved one is non-binary. She was born a girl, but does not perceive herself as one of two genders.
I haven't tried getting pregnant yet. I still don't know how my body will behave when this question arises.
For me, the problems of intersex people are the crown of the rejection of diversity in society. Doctors, parents are trying to squeeze a child with mixed sex characteristics into the binary box “male or female”. It is very important for everyone to make these people “understandable”.
Such people are laughed at by those who have a strong fear of uncertainty and atypicality.
Serhiy Kirilyuk, Associate Professor of the Department of Psychiatry and Psychotherapy, Lviv Medical University, medical chaplain of the OCU, where a program of spiritual support for intersex people is being developed.
“As a psychotherapist, I have such patients. When intersex people find out about childhood surgeries, they can feel intense anger. The main thing is not to let this anger settle in the depths of the soul. It must be lived.
If this is not done, then psychosomatic diseases develop. A person starts to get sick: he gets migraines, heart pains, dizziness, pains all over the body, and the like.
When intersex people accept themselves, realize their uniqueness, they become very beautiful. Their faces shine. "
Intersex people need to be heard. Especially their opinion on the consequences of the operations that they had in childhood. They say that these operations have crippled them, that they have scars all over their bodies, that they feel different than what the doctors ascribed to them.
When last year in the Lviv Okhmatdet an operation was performed to shape the sex of the child, I went to Lviv. I tried to arrange a meeting with surgeons. They refused to communicate.
The question of gender in a person with intersex variation arises at different levels: physiology, psyche, socialization, documents. Religiousness is superimposed on this.
If desired, adults can find compromises both on the choice of name, and on documents and other things. This will allow the child to grow up as he was born, and at a more conscious age to determine who he really is.
