'Everyone supports each other, except for Russians': how the 44-year-old Russian woman began life from scratch in the USA
'02.05.2021'
Source: gubdaily.ru
A former resident of Russian Petrozavodsk who married “over the hill”, Olga Sturmina-Welch has been living in the USA for 8 years. Moreover, she managed to do the almost impossible: to find a foreign husband at a "solid" age by Russian standards, move to a foreign country, go to university there and do many more things that she would never have decided in Russia. True, Olga admits that she still has not fit into American life and hovered somewhere in the middle between America and Russia.
I did not plan to marry “to America”: the United States as a country did not attract me, and it is very far from home, Olga tells the portal GubDaily.ru. When I decided to look for happiness abroad, I had in mind only Europe, where I traveled many times and which I knew quite well. Why I decided to marry a foreigner, I won’t tell, I’ll only notice that I tried to arrange my personal life for too long.
By the age of forty, I still decided to "enter the international market." I did not set myself the goal of finding a millionaire. My task was more difficult: to find “my” man, right person, as the Americans say, with whom it will be easy, reliable and joyful for me to love me, and I would love him. And I found him - less than four years later: he lived in Indiana and, as it turned out, was also looking for "me".
Searching not just for a husband, but for the right person on international dating sites is a difficult business, requiring a lot of time, emotional, intellectual, even, if you like, physical effort. It would seem that there are many men, but the dropout is very large. Some of the stronger sex are looking for a girlfriend on vacation, others, and most often married, just want to correspond; mentally ill people come across. Plus, then, ten years ago, there were ten times more women registered with such resources than men.
I can assume that now the number of women in relation to the number of gentlemen has only increased. For four years (intermittently) I had tons of correspondence, many meetings, several trips to different countries and one very serious relationship that almost reached the registry office. Curiously, all my “candidates” were decent and interesting people, I can’t say anything bad about them. There was simply something wrong. Love did not happen.
Randy, my current husband, at first didn't hook me at all. He wrote long letters that seemed boring and mediocre to me, an American, moreover (before that I had already “sent off” a few because I was not going to go to the USA), and I supported correspondence only out of politeness. It was evident that the man was good and intelligent - I did not want to offend him. Sluggishly wrote something, hoping that he himself would lag behind in the end.
But he was stubborn. We met for the first time in Greece, that is, on neutral territory, so that in case of failure we should not be obliged to each other. Flowers for the first date, roses, Randy brought from America - he was afraid that he would not have time to buy something decent on the spot. Later I found out that these roses were saved by the whole plane! Stewardesses over the speakerphone asked passengers who knew how to handle the roses, somehow tied them up and kept them in the refrigerator all the way from Chicago to Athens.
When I saw in the lobby of my hotel a pretty brunette hurrying toward me with a huge bouquet of roses and a literally shining face, my heart trembled: was he the same person whom I had been looking for so long? Something was special about him, incredibly attractive. He was “real,” as I call it. Later I realized that this person surprisingly combines incredible stamina, perseverance, inner strength (and physically he is not weak) on the one hand, and the ability to strong feelings, tenderness and true nobility - on the other. Even now I do not cease to admire how he holds the blow in difficult, even critical situations, how he manages to make incredible surprises for me. And he still gives me roses - both on occasion and just like that. And at the airport my Randy is always with flowers.
Although I had already agreed to an offer of a marriage, nevertheless, before leaving Russia forever, it was important for me to understand if I could live in the USA. Therefore, at first I went there on a cultural exchange visa - in order to at least a little get to know the country, people, see where and how Randy lives, what he is like at home, in his usual atmosphere. I liked everything, they accepted me everywhere well, and I decided. There are probably not many right decisions in my life, but agreeing to marry Randy is one of the most faithful and important. Eight years of a happy life together is a confirmation of this.
We are wealthy an average American family: a beautiful house, two nice cars; we can go on vacation, but we have no special savings. Randy isn’t bored: in eight years we traveled half the country, opened and closed a business, changed two houses and, in the end, our place of residence. Prior to that, we lived in Michigan City (Indiana), near Chicago, and this year moved to Atlanta. Atlanta, the capital of the state of Georgia, is probably better known to the Russian public as the hometown of the author of the novel “Gone with the Wind” by M. Mitchell, where there is her museum. In Michigan City, I had friends, work, and here I have to start all over again - make new friends, look for work, integrate into local life. How long we will stay here, I do not know; perhaps in five years we’ll move to Italy - we both love this country.
On the subject: To marry an American - to become a powerless slave: a bad experience
I can’t say that I easily fit into American life, American culture. Quite the contrary, I'm still in the process: trying to find my place and somehow realize myself professionally. The first years I had the feeling that although I left Russia, I never came to America. Stuck somewhere in the middle. One reason is the language barrier. I spoke English poorly and understood almost nothing from what was said to me in response. So I just tried to avoid communicating in English.
Every day I talked with my friends on Skype and hung on the Russian Internet. Of course, I did not sit idly by: I went to English courses, enrolled in the library, got a job as a volunteer in the local art center and gradually began to learn. But until now, English is a foreign, artificial language for me, I can’t communicate in it as easily and beautifully as I would like. Still, any language must be studied from childhood - people who have gone abroad in childhood or adolescence do not have problems like mine.
Unexpectedly for myself, the first thing I began to do in America was to work on the land, or rather, with the land: to grow flowers, fruits, vegetables. Until now, this lesson has been giving me great pleasure, I feel an incredible miracle, holding in my hand a fragrant ruddy peach, which I myself have grown. In Russia, I did not have the slightest interest in agronomy, and in America, probably, in an attempt to somehow cling to the land here in the figurative sense, I took up it literally and was incredibly carried away. I love roses very much and managed to move my flower collection from Michigan City to Atlanta.
In addition to gardening, I was capable of much of what I did not expect from myself: to drive a car, to fall in love with spicy foods, to pass a math exam to enter the university in the department of management and business, to successfully graduate in fifty-one years and get a degree Master’s. I was preparing for admission for a year, on my own, without attending courses. It was not easy to learn, I did not perceive everything by ear, so I had to read textbooks and deal with the material myself.
Nevertheless, in my diploma I have “fives” and only a few “fours” - what I'm terribly proud of. By the way, now it is not difficult to confirm a Russian diploma here, which gives a chance to find a job in the specialty. I don’t know how modern Russian education is, and the old Soviet is appreciated here: my four years of study at the Pedagogical Institute pulled me to a master’s degree, not a bachelor’s, as I expected. By the way, in America, when hiring, they always ask to show an insert with grades: here it is very important how you studied, and not just “crusts”.
Unfortunately, it’s too late for me to continue my education in America or make a successful corporate career. In Indiana, I managed to work as an assistant in an art center (they looked after me during my volunteering), in school - as a career guidance instructor, and as an economics teacher at a local college. I really liked working in college and I would love to continue it if it weren’t for the move. There were few hours, but there was a lot of preparation: at first I even memorized my lectures. Relations with students were good, they saw that I sincerely try to help them learn a difficult course and forgave me language flaws.
Some even wrote thanks at the end of the class. I don’t know yet what I will do in Atlanta. From my own experience I can say that in the USA it is very difficult to get a job without a recommendation. I do not mean the work of a waitress, a nurse or a cleaning lady. I got all my former places only thanks to the recommendations of those who knew me, but in Atlanta I don’t have such people. Most likely, we will try to open our own business - now I am engaged in studying markets in various fields and evaluating opportunities. Some hints are already there.
On the subject: What you need to know when marrying an American
The respect for women on the part of men in America is much greater than in Russia. American men are great husbands and fathers. Until now, a Russian woman often works like a draft horse on all fronts, while her spouse is “looking for herself” (often in a bottle of vodka), and this is perceived by society as something normal. In America, this is basically impossible. Women will not allow this, because they are otherwise brought up, and the norms in society are completely different.
In the family, household responsibilities are divided in half. In all the families that I know, fathers are busy with children (both young and old) almost as much as mothers. I can’t say that here I was observing some special attitude specifically to Russian women. American men, like all normal men, like pretty and slender women, and our ladies are mostly like that and, unlike many American women, they look after themselves and know how to dress.
If you walk along the street with clear eyes, in a beautiful dress and high-heeled shoes, you will be escorted by your eyes and given all kinds of signs of attention. At the same time, no one will pester acquaintance on the street or in a cafe. Although it is customary to make compliments, say something pleasant or encouraging to complete strangers. I constantly receive compliments or comments from other women in stores, offices, on the street, such as “How beautiful you look! “Where did you buy these wonderful shoes?” (Dress, coat, beads, whatever).
The desire to support each other in difficult situations is a characteristic feature of Americans. A friend can come to a friend and help build a garage for a week, a neighbor can lend a car to a neighbor to go to work, because he handed over his repair, and so on. An acquaintance of my husband in his free time repairs houses for neighbors of the elderly for free. While I did not drive a car and had to walk to the bus stop or train station (10-15 minutes), I do not remember the case that someone did not stop and did not offer to take where to go. It makes no difference - men, women, couples, black, white. Especially in winter. I’m even tired of explaining that I’m not a burden, that I generally like to walk, that I have warm clothes and don’t freeze at all, etc.
By the way, it’s not true that Americans do not know how to do anything with their own hands, but use the services of various services. All men I know, including my husband, can fix or do anything. Everyone has either a workshop in the garage with a lot of some tools or a separate workshop, more like a real workshop. Many are simply specialists in the restoration of old cars, furniture or weapons. I don’t know how young, but my husband’s generation is big - hard workers. Almost everyone, besides the main job, has some small business. For example, one of my acquaintances, Randy, grows buffalo on his farm, and my former colleague at the art center raises horses.
Perhaps this is hard to believe, especially for those who are familiar with American culture only from Hollywood creations, Americans are a religious nation. They sincerely believe in God. And they do a lot of good, not only at the call of the soul, but because it should be so for a good Christian. They understand that they live in a prosperous country and want to help those who are not so lucky. This is largely due to the desire to adopt babies from poor countries or children with disabilities, to make a large number of donations in favor of the poor, victims of hurricanes and floods.
They are truly a compassionate nation, but this quality does not arise from anywhere. It is nurtured, vaccinated from birth, developed in school, propagandized by all media. In high school American schools there is such a thing as volunteering: if a teenager does not work a certain number of hours to improve his settlement or helping the elderly, poor, he will not receive a certificate.
On the subject: Married in America: ordinary actions of ordinary Americans
Charity in America, on the other hand, is business. All schools teach fundraising. Americans - both rich and ordinary citizens - donate an unthinkable amount of money to various charitable foundations and organizations thanks to well-established fundraising technologies. I was convinced by your own experience that if you once donated a small amount to some non-profit organization, then they will call you, write with requests for help indefinitely.
Your phone is transferred to others in need, and they begin to call you from the Senegal Children's Fund to the Pennsylvania Crocodile Fund. And they act very persistently, I would say, even sometimes arrogantly. One gets the impression that under the guise of charity, some entrepreneurial entities simply take money, profit from the mercy of citizens. Recently there was a big scandal, which, however, quickly came to naught, with a cancer fund that is very famous in the USA. The organizers simply appropriated most of the money to themselves.
Since America is a country of emigrants, and each nation "brought" its own cuisine, American cuisine itself does not exist. Rather, American cuisine is a peaceful coexistence of English, German and Italian dishes. Perhaps only a hamburger and a hot dog, although they came to America from overseas, can be attributed to American cuisine, since they have already transformed in the United States. In the second half of the twentieth century, Mexican and Chinese cuisines, as well as Japanese and Thai, were added. Something popular from Greek cuisine, for example, Hiros (gyros).
For a long time, Italian cuisine was in the lead: pizza, different types of pasta, cheeses, salads, meat dishes and, of course, wine. And now the Italians are overtaken by the Mexicans. Tacos, burritos, quesadia, tamales, enchilada, chili soup, nachos, fajitos, chalupas, guacamole are all incredibly delicious. My favorite is fajitos - grilled vegetables and thinly sliced beef (maybe chicken or pork, whatever you like). All this is laid out on a warm corn tortilla and five or six additional ingredients are added, guacamole, salsa, sour cream. Of course, all these dishes taste different from those that are prepared in Mexican villages. Americans love meat, and traditional Mexican cuisine is based on beans, because meat is expensive and the country is poor.
Oddly enough, my relationship with former compatriots in America does not work out. At first, when I heard my native speech on the street or in the store, I literally rushed to meet and said, they say, how great it is to meet my friends, I am also Russian, etc. In response, I met a certain restraint, I would even say, wariness: well, and Russian, so what? Let’s know what she needs, maybe she’ll start asking for money! In America, all nations support each other, their culture: the Chinese, Jews, Mexicans, Poles - all but the Russians. It’s hard to say what the reason is. I have no Russian friends here.
I communicate with friends who remain in Russia on Skype and come to Karelia at least once a year. My American friends are descendants of the second or third generation of immigrants from Europe. One with a wonderful name Spring has parents from Macedonia, the second has a grandmother from Poland, grandfather from Germany, the third mother is Italian. Americans are very interested in their roots and almost always know where their ancestors came from. I met people who, having learned that I am from Russia, said that their great-grandfathers came to America from the former Russian Empire and that they would like to visit their historic homeland.
For all eight years of life in America, I have never felt even a hint of negativity when I said that I was Russian. Most often I heard: “Oh, Russia! Cool! ” Recently asked: "How is Putin?". The attitude towards Russia, I would say, is neutral, even rather indifferent. They associate Russia mainly with the cold climate and hockey, while the more "advanced" ones are the Kremlin, the film "Doctor Zhivago", ballet. Residents of the United States are little interested in politics, and even more so international. Most ordinary Americans are convinced that they live in the best country in the world and there can be nothing more interesting than their country.
Americans are great patriots, and this is completely sincere, deep, not ostentatious patriotism. In general, Americans and Russians are very different, but at the same time they are very similar in some ways. We are two great nations that have something to learn from each other, and the world community is developing in such a way that we can’t get anywhere from each other, we still have to communicate and work together. And therefore, I am sure that no matter what is broadcast to us from TV screens, between Russians and Americans, love and friendship are possible.
