The article has been automatically translated into English by Google Translate from Russian and has not been edited.

“It’s not money that matters, but efforts”: the psychologist told how to choose gifts and what kind of present can offend

'25.11.2021'

Source: Lady.tut.by

Only a few weeks are left before the winter holidays. A logical question arises: what to present to your relatives, friends, colleagues? Finding an answer is not so simple, and at first a pleasant New Year's bustle gives way to panic.

Photo: Shutterstock

How to choose a present and is the price important to the recipient? Lady.tut.by they asked psychologist Pavel Zygmantovich whether the present is really as important as attention.

“The better people have relationships, the less they count gifts”

- All of us, one way or another, love gifts: someone to give, someone to receive. Is there such a thing as gift psychology?

“Not really.” A gift is part of a larger concept called the psychology of exchange. There is such a thing as the principle of reciprocity. According to this principle, if they give me something, I immediately become obligated - until I give something back.

- That is, people give gifts in order to receive something in return?

- People give gifts to establish relationships or to maintain them. This is a demonstration: I give a gift, which means that you are important to me. A large present is very important, a small one is important, but not significantly. But, regardless of size, this is a signal: I’m in a relationship with you (or I want to establish them) and it is important for me that these relations be good.

So, let's say, two colleagues met in the office. One of them goes to the coffee machine and asks the second: do you get coffee? Thus he rendered a service (this is also a kind of gift) and begins to wait: what will be the answer. If in the foreseeable future the second colleague brings apples to the office and treats the first one, that’s all, the balance is reduced. Each will have an emotional account, where the volume of mutual services (i.e. gifts) will gradually accumulate.

On the subject: The guy lost his bride because of a cheap gift to her parents

By the way, the better people have relationships, the less they count gifts. If your spouse says: “You will never give me anything, and I will give you this and that,” you know - there’s a crisis in marriage.

- They gave me a present, I want to give something in return. Is it important that this something coincides in price with what I got?

- Of course, because it is an indicator of attitude. Making a major gift, your friend put conditional 300 points into your relationship. And he wants to get as much. If he returns a point at 3 with a return gift, he will conclude: you don’t care about our relationship. An incomparable gift is a signal that they treat me not as well as I do. And it's a shame.

- So it all comes down to money?

- Rather, it comes down to effort. Just money is an obvious and understandable indicator of how much a person is confused with a gift. But they do not always decide everything.

I will give a simple example. Let's say your friend is very rich, expensive gifts for him - not a problem. And he gave you the latest smartphone. How do you feel about such a present? Well, yes, it's cool that this is a smartphone, but the friend obviously didn’t make any efforts. Another question is if this very smartphone is presented to you by a student who, for the sake of this year, saved on breakfast. The man became confused, and you can immediately see how important your friendship is to him.

“I don’t know what to give, take with money”

- The eternal question - how to choose a gift for someone who has everything?

- There is one life hack: you need to buy what a person wants, can afford, but hesitates to buy one. I will give an example from life. Once I went into the bookstore and looked: a book from my childhood, only a new, colorful edition. It’s not that expensive, I can afford it, but somehow it’s a pity to give so much money just for nostalgia. This gift is a class. And this is a good answer to the question: what to give to a person who has everything. You just need to listen to him: what he says, what he complains about, what interests him.

“But it takes time.” And if he is not?

- If there is no time, say so: I don’t know what to give you, take it with money. Here, by the way, gift certificates can help out - if you understand what a person is interested in. Only there is a nuance: the amount should be more than the gift could cost, because you are not putting any effort into it.

- Suppose I guessed with a gift. Is it possible to spoil everything by exactly how I present it?

- Of course! For example, you present it with the words: “I wanted to buy something expensive, but I took this.” That is, they took and devalued the recipient: you do not deserve more. You can still discount the gift itself: they say it's great that you like this tablet, but some of it is non-functional. And such a situation may arise: a person received a gift, wants to thank you, hug you, and you wave it off. It turns out that you did not give the opportunity to express your happiness and thereby spoiled his holiday. There are probably a dozen more ways to spoil a good present, but such happenings happen most often.

- It turns out that you need to be able to not only choose gifts, but also give them?

- Just show that you want to please with your gift. You could even say that: I thought for a long time, searched and found what you like.

“You can give a suitcase to mother-in-law to leave”

- You said that the value of a gift is about a person’s attitude towards me. Is it possible to determine his attitude by the type of gift?

- Everyone would like that, but alas, the idea is useless. The same gift can be chosen for various reasons. For example, you can give a mother-in-law a suitcase so that she leaves. And you can support a suitcase given to her on an anniversary trip to Egypt.

- That is, if the husband gives his wife a pan instead of the desired smartphone, do not think that he perceives her as a housekeeper?

- There may be several reasons. He can truly be considered her housekeeper. Or I’m sure that it will be easier for her to cook with a new kitchen device. Or he does not have money for a smartphone. Or maybe he just grabbed the pan for a discount. (Smiles.) There can be a lot of explanations for the gift, it is unlikely that it will work out which one is right.

- Is there a difference in how men and women pick gifts?

- As a rule, women are more attentive to relationships, because they are socialized in this direction. And we can say that they choose a gift a little more carefully. But to a greater extent, the choice of a presentation is not related to gender, but to the way we relate to a person: we want to please him or just keep formalities.

On the subject: The first true list of New Year's gifts that nobody wants

- Are there any gifts that are highly likely to offend the recipient?

- The worst gifts are those that give indiscriminately to everyone. The same shaving foam or socks. And, as a rule, presentations that are related to what a person does not like can offend. Suppose a man hates housework - repair a crane, hammer a nail, and give him a set of tools. Same with the pan. If a woman is indulging in cooking, giving her kitchen utensils is ideal. And when the kitchen is “second shift” for her, such a gift will offend her. Even if the pan is steep and makes her life easier.

“Then what is the best way to hint a person to what gift you want to receive?”

- It’s better to say bluntly: for example, I want a new chair. If it’s not straightforward, you can try to talk about the problem and how to solve it: “My back hurts because of the chair, I can’t find the time to replace it.” It might work. But there is such a nuance: a person doesn’t sit and wait when you tell him about your problems. He has his own busy life. Therefore, to say “forehead” is best. Better yet, I “want” everything to write down and give the list to the donors.

- That is, making a wish list isn’t it a shame?

- Yes, provided that you measure your “want” with the society in which you live. It is important that people really can give you this.

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