In the house of a teenager! How to make friends with him?
Just yesterday, your sweet and affectionate child was so comfortable and kind, and today he has become a 12-year-old aggressive alien whose mood changes several times a day. Any parent is interested in how to survive this difficult period and remain a friend for your child.
Do not be alarmed or surprised that your child has changed by the age of 12. This is all within the normal range. His physiology, social status is changing - and this cannot but affect his emotional state. It is during this period that many parents go to a psychologist for help. They ask for advice on how to build a relationship with the child, how to regain trust. Only not to return, but to build again from scratch - it will be more correct. Teenagers are gentle and anxious. They are no longer children, but not adults either. They seem to need affection, but they immediately push away my mother's hand - I don't need it! Adolescents show a willingness to perform adult actions, but, unfortunately, they are not yet able to bear responsibility for them.
What remains for parents? Be patient, because this period will sometime pass. In the meantime, seek a compromise between a rebel and mother's child in the child itself, as well as in themselves.
1. Create a whitelist
Adolescence is a time for experimentation. Give him the opportunity to do even what you don't like. Be sure to explain why. If you simply forbid, like a 5-year-old, a rebel will wake up in him, and he will do it "because" and "out of spite". Don't take it to such extremes. What to Whitelist? Jeans with holes, piercings, tattoos, purple hair - it's up to you what you can live with and what you can't. It is not necessary that your child will do all this, but the very knowledge of what he can - will keep him from stupid things. What will go to the "black list" - explain to your child why it should not be done. For example, you should not go to a tattoo parlor unknown to anyone secretly from your parents, do yourself a tattoo in complete unsanitary conditions, as this threatens to become infected with hepatitis or AIDS.
2. Personal space
Teenagers are keenly aware of the need for personal space. Respect their right to it. Almost all teenagers sometimes want to be alone. And if your child has closed the door to his room and does not want to talk - this does not mean that the trouble has happened. It is likely that he studies himself as a part of the vast world. Respect the territory of a teenager. His room is his castle. Let him hang posters or colored lights. Allowing to arrange a fire, of course, is not worth it, but it is necessary to knock on the door before entering. And to teach him to knock on your door is also a must. Perhaps one day he will come to you to talk in confidence.
3. Feelings of a teenager
Understand once and for all if a teenager fell in love without reciprocity in the 5 class - it hurts him just as you did in 25. Only he does not know how to describe these experiences. Never question what it feels. Do not humiliate him with the words: “What is the love there in 12 years?” Or “What can you know about love there?”. Believe me, he already knows. And if you laugh in response to embarrassed confessions - the trust between you is the end.
4. Teen has the right to change mood
When the child was small, he was always ready for hugs and kisses. Most kids do not wait for them to hug, they do it themselves. In a teenager, the reaction is completely different. Your lanky little son is not always ready for gentle mother's arms. Try to catch when your child really needs it. When he is upset and looking for comfort. Perhaps when he openly told you about his love. Tenderness he needs as much as in childhood, he just perceives it differently now. If you stepped back, then now is not the moment. Try to feel the moment. Sometimes one hug is more important than many important words.
Your teenager is a bare nerve. One unsuccessfully spoken word can unsettle him for several months. Use discussion instead of criticism. The sooner you learn to do it yourself and teach your child this, the better. If adults, instead of criticizing each other, were discussing problems, there would be significantly fewer divorces.
Do not criticize the child, even if you do not like the fact that he plays computer games, he spends all evenings with his guitar or friends. When you demand from a child “Drop this nonsense, learn better”, he hears only “you don’t need me like this, give me back an 5-year-old baby”.
Moreover, always consider the child’s age and level of responsibility. Accustom accountability gradually. In 10 for years, he was responsible for the cactus on the window, in 12 his studies, cactus and labrador are in his area of responsibility. In 14, everything is the same plus household chores. And if he doesn’t cope with anything, he shouldn’t say to him “you should have been able to cope, because I’m in your years already ...”. No criticism, only discussion.
And most importantly - love him for who he is, feel him, listen to him, talk to him.