The article has been automatically translated into English by Google Translate from Russian and has not been edited.

Wake-up Calls: 10 Unobvious Signs of Relationship Violence



“With physical violence, everything is more or less clear: hit, pushed, grabbed - so that’s it. Economic, as a rule, is also not so difficult to calculate, said Alexandra Sokolova, curator of the Stop the Violence project. - Another thing is psychological and sexual violence. It is harder to recognize, but it leaves no less trace than the physical. ” The specialist told LADY.TUT.BY about “beacons” in a relationship that should prompt you to think.

Photo: Shutterstock

- Control and manipulation are psychological violence. This is something that formally cannot be attributed to violence, but it is also abusive behavior that cannot be considered the norm, ”emphasizes Alexandra.

1. Control is not a concern

Control is easy to confuse with concern. Questions from the series “where have you been?”, “Where have you been?”, Requests “let me read your correspondence” - this is often taken for participation, but in reality it turns out that you report almost every second of your of life.

But what if you are not “sorry” to answer or show correspondence?

- Do as you feel more comfortable. Girls can behave accordingly to female socialization, that is, according to the life experience that they experience precisely because of their belonging to the female sex. We are taught from childhood to think: "A strong man, a man will protect me and take care." As a result, it’s normal for us to give our lives under the control of a male partner. And it’s hard to admit that you have suffered from violence.

“Therefore, it’s not always easy to understand where the care ends and control begins, to admit that you are being controlled, and then also to oppose it,” Alexandra explains. - But still there is the concept of personal space, and it is important to be able to build it around you. Listen to yourself: if the partner’s questions about your pastime cause discomfort, then it's time to build boundaries.

It is important to notice this as early as possible, because no one starts with the requirement of minute reports. At first you can be treated with phrases a la “I don’t like it when you chat with this girlfriend,” then go on to more aggressive expressions, and after that you will have no friends left who can notice that you need help.

“A scientific joke about a frog works here,” the source said. - If you throw her in hot water, she will immediately jump out of the pan. And if you put a frog in cold water and heat gradually, it will not even feel like it is dying. This is approximately how it works here: a person who is in a violent relationship does not immediately notice this.

2. "If you are, then I ..."

Threats, manipulations, blackmail - this is also violent behavior. However, it is often not read as something bad.

- Sometimes there are terrible situations from the series "if you leave me, I will kill myself." It may be hard for the speaker, but ultimately it is blackmail. They ask for help differently, therefore such phrases are outright manipulation. It’s better to get away from such a person, ”states Alexandra. - At a minimum, you will not feel responsible for the death of a person or his suicidal behavior.

However, manipulations are even on smaller occasions. Example: "Until we make love, I will not wash the dishes."

- Any phrases from the series "if you ... then I ..." - this is an alarming bell. Something must be decided: to talk with a partner and, perhaps, even to leave him.

Alexandra says that situations where one person expects from the second that which has not been agreed in advance also apply to manipulations. A classic example: a man paid for a dinner with a girl in a cafe and expects sex from her. But this is not implied.

- This is the same manipulative strategy of how to do something for your partner and expect "return" in return. Relationships are not account management.

3. Emotional swing

- Today I’m all caring (caring) and attentive (attentive), and tomorrow detached (detached) and don’t talk to you at all, and still blame you for my mood - this behavior makes my partner feel on an emotional swing, ”the source explains. - It demoralizes, causes emotional stress and may well be one of the manifestations of violent communication. Confused victims begin to look for a reason in themselves: what am I doing wrong, what do I cause this behavior?

At the same time, Aleksandra notes that each situation needs to be assessed in its own way: perhaps some step is really a sincere attempt to please you or make peace. Violence differs from conflict in that it is not an isolated case, but occurs on an ongoing basis. One conclusion cannot be drawn: why so, we already wrote here.

On the subject: Captured by a narcissus: how to recognize psychological abuse and end a relationship

4. Imposing your desires

Alexandra recalls an example from her practice.

“Once a girl shared a story with us, whom a young man very much frightened in terms of appearance:“ I don’t like this hair color, the dress is cool, the sneakers sucks, the heels are super, and in the headphones you look like a child, not like a woman ". The girl was constantly forced to buy high-heeled shoes because he liked it. But the guy was not very tall, so the heel had to be a certain height.

Naturally, all this caused the girl great stress and led to serious consequences for the psychological state.

5. Stalking

A moment that does not even apply to relationships in a pair: a stalker of a person can, in fact, be anyone.

- Let's just say a friend or friend. You tell him “don't meet me from the university”, “don't write to me”, and he continues to do this. If a person does not understand the word “no,” it’s better to just ban such people at once and try not to communicate with them - Alexandra is categorical in her opinion.

This is especially true in the era of social networks and, however, applies not only to stalking. Send the same "nudes" (nude photos. - Note editorial staff), when you were not asked about this, it does not look like healthy communication. Even in a relationship it’s worth discussing such points.

6. Installation “yes means yes”

Alexandra believes that the concept of “no means no” does not quite work, because it is much easier to consider consent than to understand that a person is not ready for sexual contact.

- Sexual communication is very complicated. Especially today, when discussions about how to correctly express consent are at their peak - and jokes on this topic appear. Even if a person is sandwiched or modest, you can still see his openness: the manifestation of initiative, non-verbal communication - a lively look, a smile ... It is clear that sometimes a smile is a social approval. If the girl lies with a stone face and portrays a semblance of a smile, then this, of course, is not agreement, the interlocutor draws attention.

There is much debate about intoxication, but Alexandra is confident that there is nothing to discuss here. In the case when a person is in an unconscious state, he certainly cannot express agreement, so whatever you do to him is violence.

- I adhere to the principle that with people intoxicated it is worth behaving in the same way. Even if a person pestering you, it’s better to put him on a sofa and say “take a rest”, because there may be problems the next day, the project curator warns. - Many people use this situation. They say: "Well, she herself climbed up to me." It would be great if everyone reacted to the drunken person by removal: it is better to let him make this choice in a sober state.

7. “Conjugal duty”

In our culture, it is believed that if you are in a relationship, you should want each other by default. It turns out that as if there is no moment when you can refuse.

“In this context, it is important to take into account the female experience of socialization: we have already touched on this topic,” Alexander draws attention. - It is clear that with such attitudes women may not even think about bed as a source of pleasure. So it turns out: “OK, I need to give birth to a child”, “OK, I need to please my spouse”, “OK, I need him to buy me a fur coat” - not thoughts of pleasure.

We repeat: we women are taught to be more humble, more restrained, modest. Many girls are raised with the position that “making love is embarrassing, and even less so.” Like, only men need sex, but not so much for women. An even more wild common position: bed is a way to get something from a man.

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