Toxic positive: why wearing an optimist mask is bad for you and those around you
'09.12.2020'
Source: Columnist
We often condemn duty smiles, talk about insincerity and tension, but we ourselves automatically put on the mask of a cheerful person, wanting to make a proper impression. What is the risk - says psychologist Yulia Medvedeva for Columnist.
The culture of positive thinking is so deeply rooted that its criticism can be compared to attacks on something sacred: like motherhood, New Year's tangerines, or a woman's right to build a career.
I, too, do not intend to encroach on the sacred, but at the same time I propose to erase the positive from the face as a means and make it a goal.
I will explain by example.
The statement that best illustrates positive thinking is, "When life slips you a lemon, make lemonade out of it." We are used to seeing it as an outlet and motivation. After all, with this approach, you can emerge victorious from any crisis, right?
But it doesn't take much digging to find the flaws in this reasoning. The story of one of my clients immediately pops up before my eyes. In the eyes of people, she is successful in all respects: she runs a training business with her husband, brings up her daughter and tries not to lose heart. But I saw her completely shattered. She says that a recent conversation with her daughter dumbfounded her and does not allow her to recover.
On the subject: Doing good: how savior syndrome interferes with friendship and love
She said that her daughter openly admitted that all of her mother's “positive thoughts” and instructions hurt her - she felt that she was not allowed to feel anything but happiness.
“Imagine my shock. It was not at all what I was going to tell my daughter, ”said a guest in my office.
The problem is that today children and adults are struggling with low self-esteem (hello social networks and the Internet), anxiety and depression. And all because one day we began to misinterpret the movement for positive psychology. People often assume that positive psychology is always being positive and smiling at all 32.
Much of the information about positive psychology really centers around happiness and joy and judging stress and negative emotions. But this picture is incomplete. The positive psychology movement is really about embracing all human emotions and practicing emotional, cognitive and responsive flexibility.
It is important to learn to be aware of your emotions, to voice them and not try to put pressure on others.
Examples of toxic positives that make your life worse:
- Ignoring, hiding, diminishing or suppressing your emotions or real feelings
- Feelings of guilt or shame for your emotions
- The social mask is a "play face" when you show false emotions to people, although you feel differently inside
- Devaluation of other people's emotions
- Devaluation of someone else's experience by not acknowledging the real problem / pain / frustration
- Attempts to minimize someone's pain through quotes and pseudo-motivational attitudes
Positive emotions are not a panacea
Whatever happens to us in life, we tend to think of it as “good” or “bad”. And most of us are labeled “bad” 3 to 10 times more often than the label “good”.
Now remember the situations from your life. Can you think of examples of things that you initially thought were bad, but in the end turned out to be not so bad, or perhaps even impressively good? For example, you lost your job, but are finally ripe to start your own business.
Or they broke up with a partner, went to choose a cozy blanket to cry in it on the windowsill, and met the love of your life in the IKEA checkout line. I'm sure there are thousands of similar stories.
But I suggest you do one exercise.
On the subject: Pessimists live longer: what is wrong with positive thinking and why suffering is good
Conduct a mental or real experiment. Imagine a situation that, according to traditional parameters, you would rate as negative: divorce, loss of property. Imagine that you have become a deceived investor and even a victim of abuse. Now remove the negative assessment from the situation. Generally.
At first glance, this is impossible. Of course, these are terrible tragedies and terrible things. Or not?
Is it possible that you have been trained to think of these events as unspeakable tragedies and therefore to perceive them as such?
Viktor Frankl, in his book A Man in Search of Meaning, tells the story of a beautiful, privileged girl who was grateful for being in a concentration camp because she was able to connect with a spiritual side of her personality that she did not even know existed. Such observations led Frankl to his life's work of identifying why, when faced with extreme adversity, some people prosper and others become discouraged.
Cultivate Emotional Intelligence, Not Positive Thinking
Flexibility - cognitive, emotional and responsive - means the ability to easily change your thinking, emotions, and behavior. This means that a person is able to adapt thinking and feelings, in accordance with the context of the situation, but without getting stuck in them. Here's what can really benefit you. And blindly stretching smiles and laughing through tears is a sure path to neuroses and mental disorders. Positive emotions are supported by positive moments. It's organic, logical and correct. Otherwise, being positive about the public is toxic.
On the subject: 3 reasons to abandon 'positive thinking' and stop visualizing dreams
You are able to be aware of where you are and understand the changing nature of your own thoughts, feelings and actions. And this, in turn, means the ability to correctly and adequately respond to any situation.
To be a healthy person, you need to be aware of yourself and how we manifest ourselves in the world. If you consider yourself a transmitter of toxic positives, it's time to get rid of them. You are hurting yourself and the people you care about by insisting on this monochrome mindset.
Instead of practicing toxic positivity, strive for balance and acceptance of both good and bad emotions, not all-or-nothing thinking.
If you are being influenced by a toxic positivity, we recommend that you set healthy boundaries with anyone who condemns your true experience. We have one chance to find this beautiful, painful, imperfect life. Accept it and yourself in it completely, and cultivate the garden according to your own nature, and not oppose it.
The original column was published in Yulia Medvedeva's blog on the website Columnist
ForumDaily Woman is not responsible for the content of blogs and may not share the views of the author. If you want to become the author of the column, write to us - [email protected].
