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Point of view: why we make friends and should we trust them

Sergey Evelev

writer, TV and radio host

'28.07.2020'

... Friends, friends, you can't live without them
Both crying and laughter are the same for everyone ... (from a famous song)

Photo: Shutterstock

The topic is seemingly hackneyed. Well, what else can we be unclear about friends? Yes, everything is unclear, if you think about it. It is unclear why some have and others do not. Why do some people leave and others come? Why does someone have a ton of them, and another has one or two? What is a friend? What happens to friendships over the years? Does it pass in the same way as love, and is it reborn into something else that does not even have a name? How do you know if it's a friend or foe? That you are still a friend or no longer? And if not yet an enemy, but no longer a friend? And a hundred more questions. Confused? Let's unravel.

For many of us, the best time to make friends is childhood and adolescence. Then, only now that went out to the people, we really need like-minded people, since dissidents are all around. And we, of course, need protection, a buffer between the world from which we came (where all grandparents, fathers, mothers, sisters and brothers loved and protected) and a new world, quite hostile, unfamiliar, and therefore frightening. Everyone and everything is scary there: teachers, children, lessons, football after school, and fights in the same schoolyard. And getting used to it is not easy. It is quite natural during this period to be attracted to friendship. If you are lucky and you have found, then there are already two or even three of you against the whole world. That's not much, but still better than one.
I think that in friendship, unlike love, two are still actively involved. In love - every man for himself. In the sense that everyone must still learn to love themselves (for many, this is a very strange postulate, I know), before loving anyone else. I think that if you don't really love yourself, then love for another will be clumsy, greedy, sick, devastating, with pretensions ... but not light, free, filling, even uplifting ...

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I don't know how a friend is chosen. This is probably an instinct. Sniffing, looking closely, trying on yourself ... I can't explain it better. But some sniff better, while others worse. Perhaps their scent is not so well developed. Maybe these were dogs in a past life, and others were birds or, there, grasshoppers. In general, by scent, or somehow else, there are friends. And friendship begins. We spend time together, come up with all sorts of projects, share secrets. This is not yet dangerous, since we do not yet know of betrayal. Only when faced with him at least once, you reconsider your point of view on the topic of trust, thinking about who you can trust at all.

My point of view may not be to everyone's liking. I believe that the section “my secret information” should be divided into several categories.

  • The first one is “not particularly secret” - the story of how you overheard or spied on, or stole a roll, or did something shameful that you are not proud of ...
  • The second is “someone else's secrets”.
  • The third is "what can be used against me."
  • The fourth is “something that no one but me can understand”.
  • Fifth - "information that can put the one who owns it in an uncomfortable, ambiguous, and even dangerous position."

In addition to the content of the first - everything else, I believe, should never be told to anyone. We are all people subject to moods and changes, age, psychological and others. Today's friend can be anyone tomorrow. And it seems to me that this is a disregard for good relationships, if you are ready to hang on someone not only what can (in an unfortunate coincidence of circumstances) harm you, but this person too. And you do it for your own relief, to strengthen friendship and in order to gain “reciprocal trust”. All three points are wrong.

Relief is not real. The feeling that it has become easier is very fleeting. Friendship is not necessarily strengthened by this, and the reciprocal "revelation" may never follow. And it happens that they have entrusted you with a secret, and you sit and think: well, why did she tell me this? Now I see her in a completely different light, and I must keep this secret, and not spill it by accident, otherwise you won't end up with a hassle. I didn’t ask for this “trust”.

The Romans spoke well on this topic: “What two know, the pig knows” ...

I am familiar with the stories where the relationship "does not spill water" changed to the opposite, and classified information became the property of those for whom it was not intended, which led to dire consequences. But this is so, a lyrical digression.

Back to friendship.

It can be bilateral. But, just like love, it may not be. One can love, and the other “allow” himself to love. This is not necessarily advertised and is presented to others in this form. By the way, the one who loves may not notice this for a while. And sometimes, even having figured it out, agree with this state of affairs. It is important for one that they love. For others it is enough to be loved. With friendship, oddly enough, the same thing. True, here it is also not immediately obvious, but it is a fact, nevertheless. It so happens that one is frantically friendly, and the other is half-hearted. And real friendship, which is for a long time or even forever, can be, of course, but if only in childhood and adolescence. There, one replaces the other an older brother, or even sometimes a father. But seriously making friends with someone in an adult state is quite difficult. Although sometimes there are people, of any gender, by the way, with whom you feel calm, relaxed, even safe. Is this a reason - to dump the entire suitcase of accumulated "junk" over the years and decades? I don't know, it's up to you.

In order for friendship to survive years and even decades, it must be insisted on something serious. We fought together - yes. They served together in the army - perhaps. Together they were stuck on an island for five years and ... survived - also an option. Those who just studied in the same class or in the same year became friends and after thirty years - still friends - there are not many. I personally know two, which is more than nothing, but against the background of hundreds of millions of friends, it is not enough.

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That is, friendship, of course, is a valuable and important thing. But if you have already been for many years, and somehow did not work with friends, then do not rush to get upset. Friends come at any age. I think that they come into our life when we really need them, well, they are simply necessary. And if they are not, then perhaps you are not bad without them.

Don't get me wrong, I'm not against friendship, I'm for. I am against the exploitation of this concept. I am not in favor of a situation when friendship is speculated and the devil knows what it is, even into modern slavery, completely subjugating a friend ... This sounds inappropriate, and looks pitiful and unworthy.

But - if you have friends, take care of this relationship. Today they are quite rare and worth fostering, grooming and cherishing ... And do not confuse friends with friends and drinking companions. I will not define both those and others, since you yourself know the difference very well.

A toast is for loyal friends, no matter how few of them in our life.

If you want to talk with me about it - go to my page in facebook.

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