'Yours must help': emigration traps worth knowing before moving
'09.06.2021'
Source: Psychology of an effective life
Are you afraid to emigrate because you think that nobody will be needed abroad?
Do not worry. Nobody needs you here either.
(from the Internet)
My emigration story has become a practical implementation of the “don't give up” advice. I managed to leave and stay only on the third attempt, says Anna Borets for the site Psychology of an effective life.
I was born in the Donetsk region, received a law degree, lived and worked in Donetsk. A baby is born. But, as far as I remember, I always wanted to leave. I did not understand how life is arranged here. What you need to do to make good money. Why do people invest in armored doors and expensive cars, but can not chip in to repair the entrance and pinch their nose in the elevator.
And I made a decision. The Czech Republic was randomly selected, just jabbed a finger on the map. In 2008, I issued a visa, packed my suitcase and drove off. By train. With a minimum of money and necessary things. My husband and four year old child stayed at home awaiting my arrangement.
This first trip was adventurous, I had no idea what I would do there. Oddly enough, everything began to take shape. I rented an apartment, furnished it with cheap things. Something was bought at a Chinese store, something was found near a garbage container. I got a job at a newsstand and learned a language in a couple of months. My husband arrived, and I found him a good job. We planned to sell a house in Ukraine and pick up a child.
I went to my homeland to draw up documents. And ... stayed. It was a status trap, which I will discuss below. My husband and I had a business at home. Unprofitable, problematic. What is a weekend and vacation, I learned only in the Czech kiosk. This work brought me more money and moral peace than Ukrainian business. But, having arrived in Donetsk, I felt like a “business woman”. It all happened, everyone needs me. I put off leaving. The husband came to see what was the matter, and also stayed. We divorced. Divorce, division of the company and property occurred not in my favor. I was left without money, a company, work and home.
And I packed my suitcase a second time. Now I was traveling with a suitcase, a minimum of money and a child. And again I was able to. She rented an apartment in Prague, the child was taken to kindergarten. I got a job at some Russian company. I found a student girl who took the child from the kindergarten and brought home. Once she forgot to pick him up, the teachers called me. I ran after the child, having left earlier from work, and at home I found that I had forgotten the keys to the apartment in the office. Friday November I called my friends - they let me spend the night.
It was a difficult period, there were many problems, and I tried to solve them. The main and objective problem was the kindergarten: in the Czech Republic, kindergartens work hours until 16, and in the summer go on vacation. In the end, I gave up. I explained my surrender as “romantic love” - my ex-husband persistently called me back, and I chose, as it seemed to me, love. When I returned, I realized that he needed my presence in order to complete the renewal of the house for himself.
I left for another city, found a job and tried to forget about the Czech Republic.
On the subject: The story of the runaway bride: why I returned from exile
After about a year, I began to conduct Czech language courses for Ukrainians. One of the clients opened a business in the Czech Republic and offered me the job of a project manager. For more than a year I lived in the mode of business trips and flights. At this time, the Czech Republic tightened requirements for permanent residence. I got a visa to Slovakia. She graduated from accounting courses, got a job at a local company and made a third attempt to leave. Again with a suitcase and a child, but already having work.
Five years have passed since then. I have an accounting firm, an apartment in Slovakia, and I received permanent residence.
In total, the process of emigration took me 10 years. Do I think it was worth it? Definitely yes. It was a valuable and successful experience. It was an interesting period in my life, and I learned a lot about myself.
Based on this experience, let me give you some tips about the traps that you can fall into in connection with emigration.
1. Lack of correct information
As a rule, we decide to leave for the country after “we went, looked, liked it”. I liked the cleanliness of the streets, high salaries, good roads. But, gathering information, you need to pay attention to the main thing - whether you fit into the standards of life of this country, whether they are acceptable to you, whether they correspond exactly to your life values.
Austria and Germany amaze with the cleanliness of the streets, but are you ready to sort the garbage, put the stool in a bag for the dog and the fact that the neighbors will closely monitor you, are you doing all this? Are you ready for your Bulgarian or Italian subordinates to start their working day with breakfast? In the USA, a child cannot be left alone until 14 years old - this means that you will need to have funds for the nanny and endure the presence of a stranger in the house. Some countries have specific clothing and behavior requirements. Therefore, it is important to understand whether you are ready to accept these rules, to follow them.
2. You will always take yourself with you
Not everything can be changed by moving to another country. All your complexes and problems will go with you to the ends of the world. And if you were sad, depressed and bored at home, you didn’t get along with any partner and did not stay at any job, then be prepared to find yourself in the same state, but in another country. Therefore, it is important to understand your expectations from the move.
This is an interesting point. After some time, most return to their former inner sensations. Anyone who is used to being a performer takes a job. Entrepreneurs organize their business on the same scale as in their homeland. If men betrayed you at home, then the same will also come across here.
This is both upsetting and encouraging. Do not worry: what you had at home, you will be able to organize in another country. But to make it better - you can’t do without internal work.
On the subject: Our emigration: what Russian people can not get used abroad
3. Status trap
At the first stage, most will lose their status. The only exceptions are professionals leaving for a new job. In the worst situation are leaders and small businessmen who, having earned some money in their homeland, want to live better and calmer.
In a stressful state at home, during a period of problems, it seems to many that everyone would give everything for the opportunity to live quietly and conduct business. People move, get a job with a salary no less than their income at home, and at first they enjoy a new way of life: a stable working day, vacation, clear work tasks, no stress and rush, the boss does not call in the evening and does not require work on the weekend .
And then it starts to lack power, influence, connections. This factor is not taken into account when thinking about moving, but it is very important. The need for status will prove itself if you do not work with it. And it can result in domestic tyranny, a sudden return to their homeland or depression.
4. The trap "with us, but with them"
For many years they have been slandering the theme “here, here, here ...”. Compare the pros and cons, discuss the topic of language differences. I met people who have been living here for several years and cannot learn the language. The name of the city in which they live is incorrectly pronounced. Trying to express their "fairy" with or without. It’s very funny to hear phrases like “There is no sushi ... Here in our Muhos * Ensk there is sushi, but not here.”
You will not feel at home until you stop comparing with how “we have” and how here. People feel your mood, locals will communicate with you as exotic, but they will not accept you in their company until you show sincere interest in them.
Learn a language, work with pronunciation, take an interest in the history of the country you came to. And also find out who is who in your city, who is in power, what problems the city has, who represents what kind of business here. This information can be very helpful.
Take an interest in the local population. Neighbors, friends of your children, colleagues.
Speaking of Europe, most European countries are small. Here everyone knows each other. Everyone studied and baptized children with someone. It will take years before you become a full member of the local community.
It is also useful to inquire and follow accepted rules of conduct. For example, in Slovakia and the Czech Republic it is customary to congratulate on name days, to ask a colleague how he spent the weekend, and to write “you” in capital letters in correspondence.
On the subject: Depression in Emigration: What Beliefs on the American Dream
5. The trap "must help"
Many new arrivals are pestering with questions “about everything and at once” who arrived earlier. And then they are offended that for the most part compatriots do not want to help for free or begin to avoid communication.
Many do not want to pay to companies that officially, according to the price list, provide such services - to call somewhere, escort them to government agencies, fill out the form. They are indignant: “Why should I pay for such nonsense?” But because no one wants to become your nanny. If you don’t want to pay, learn the language, understand the procedure and solve your problems yourself.
My clients brought a dog to my office so I could find her a veterinarian; rang when the toilet clogged; they asked me to speak with the landlord of the apartment they are renting because the apartment does not have a toilet brush and dryer for dishes. Moreover, we only had an agreement with them on accounting.
In case of real problems, they will definitely help you. If you don’t bother with all the small endless requests before.
6. Trap of two chairs
This is the worst trap. What if it doesn’t work out there? Therefore, for now, I will start to do something “there” remotely. While the children are in the kindergarten ... Until they finish school ... And now my parents are retired, as I leave them ... No, what's the point of doing repairs here - we'll leave soon ...
Some have been trying to sit on two chairs for years. It is incredibly exhausting. Pulls life juices. The worst thing you can do with yourself is to put yourself in that position. Any decision made whether to leave or to stay will be much better.
7. Rape Yourself Trap
Samoyedness, doubts, endless questions: “Is this the right decision? Am I doing enough? Maybe something can be different? ”
Perhaps you want to bring at least half of the kingdom, the dragon's head, and some other know-how to your new home. But you bring only yourself. And this is not a little. If you were able to create yourself, your home and surround yourself with those who love you at home, you can do it anywhere. Just give yourself time.
Having decided to move, you enter the transitional stage of your life. The old house has been abandoned, but a new one has not yet been created. And here everything will help you that will keep your faith in yourself. Habitual rituals, things that you love, sports. Understanding the situation, the realization of how important it is to have a feeling at home, and the belief that everything will work out.
Treat yourself with love and understanding. Take care of yourself and do not fall into these traps!
