Super-moms and toxic lies: who exactly should not be jealous
'22.01.2019'
Source: Vice.com
You know who we are talking about: super Instagram moms who “remain successful”, despite the fact that life is “so hard”.
Her face is like an advertisement for a cosmetic store. Hair falls over the shoulders in a cascade of smooth, shiny, with a thoughtful mess, waves, the author writes Vice.com. She holds her newborn with her hands with glossy well-groomed nails in a slightly uncleaned room - a towel casually hangs down from the back of the sofa, a pacifier on the table, toys on the floor.
The inscription on a photo from Instagram says: “Life is not always perfect, like a picture.” I wondered where her time for styling, manicure and makeup came from, while I couldn't remember the last time I took a shower. I held my own baby in one hand, which did not allow me to fling my phone across the room at the moment of complete despair. Instead, I began to cry. Cry for a long time.
People think they know what postpartum depression and postpartum anxiety are. This is terrible headlines in the news about new mothers who do indescribable things, causing harm to themselves or their children. These are the heartbreaking episodes of the series “Law and Order” and controversial films starring Charlize Theron. But postpartum depression does not always look so obvious. Sometimes, she looks like I look now.
Postpartum depression and anxiety is not something black and white, it has a lot of gray. This is a range of emotions, and since unrealistic standards make women reluctant to open up to friends and family, more than half of women with postpartum depression remain undiagnosed.
In the role of new moms, we are experiencing a huge shift in identity and responsibility. Naturally, we are looking for support and understanding on the Internet and on social networks. But in our current society based on instaslav, mothers are so passionate about their rhetoric about “perfect imperfection” and ideal images that they inadvertently alienate those people with whom, in their opinion, they want to connect.
You know about who I am: about Instagram super-moms, about those who “remain successful”, despite the fact that life is “so hard”. Although she returned to her weight before pregnancy, but her body "is just not what it was." But it is necessary, motherhood - the most amazing miracle of her life.
These "totally imperfect" mothers do not help women when they make the transition to motherhood. In fact, they are probably even more harmful than mothers who trade in excellence. “Completely imperfect” content is a way to empathize with women on a superficial level, without revealing any deep wounds. This can lead to a greater sense of isolation and deter new moms from seeking help from a professional when they need it most.
“By seeking to justify the difficulties of motherhood under normal circumstances, social media can minimize the experience of very real pathologies such as postpartum depression and / or anxiety,” says Leslie Ackerman, a New York City psychologist. "With the barrage of information available, new moms experiencing postpartum depression or anxiety may be less likely to seek help, as social media inadvertently normalizes atypical responses to stressors or emotional states that require clinical intervention."
When my son was born a year ago, I was stunned and unable to cope with the bulk. I knew I loved him, but I was terrified. Our hospital room was tiny, but I didn’t want to leave it. There were no nurses in our apartment, and my bed did not have a button that I could press when I had a question.
We soon learned that our child had jaundice, and we were asked to stay for one more night. I was so glad.
When we were discharged and we got home, it was dark, and not only because it was 8 evenings. It was a different kind of darkness, as if someone had put a blanket on the whole world. Remembering those first weeks at home with our son, I see everything only in black, as if there was a constant night.
I was anxious. I was afraid to change his diaper because he was starting to shout. He screamed and screamed. Breastfeeding did not go smoothly, and I did not sleep. It was still aggravated by mastitis, an abscess in my chest, in addition to not one, and not even two, but three allergic reactions to various antibiotics that I took for treatment. I was so worried about sudden infant death syndrome and suffocation that I had nightmares about this topic or I just could not sleep at night because of this. The thought of going out with the baby seemed impossible and imprudent due to viruses, loud noises, temperature, the sun, strangers, insects, dogs and everything else.
During a visit to the doctor, when my baby turned 6 weeks, I explained to my doctor how I feel. In response, they gave me a primitive test for the presence of depression, according to which everyone can suffer from depression. I was looking for postpartum depression articles that matched my symptoms, and tried to find personal stories of women who experienced similar levels of anxiety. I didn’t find anything solid — some superficial blog posts with sugary tips and quick links to mental health sites.
Studies show that from 70 to 80 percent of women are depressed after childbirth (which is usually less pronounced), and 15 percent of women experience postpartum depression.
Already, we are told what is normal and what is not - most people experience depressed mood after the birth of a child, and a small percentage have postpartum depression. We associate postpartum depression with a deeply shameful feeling for not being an ideal, happy mother. Worse, postpartum depression is often confused with postpartum psychosis, a stigmatized disorder that makes women reluctant to share how they feel.
“Many people do not seek help because they do not have enough information about what postpartum depression is,” said Ariela Wasserman, a psychologist at the University of New York Medical Center. Others attribute some depressive or anxiety symptoms to the natural course of motherhood, believing it is "normal" to feel depressed after the birth of a child. Worry about being a good parent or worrying about what others will say about us, as well as shame and stigma, are barriers for women to seek help. ” In my experience, adding glamor to postpartum chaos and the subsequent feeling of inferiority only adds to the feeling of shame.
I knew something was wrong. Fortunately, before I became pregnant, I went to an excellent therapist, so I signed up for as many sessions as possible. We came up with a plan: I will try to get enough sleep (aha, exactly), to allocate more time for sports, and leave the house for 15 minutes every day, no matter what.
If there were no changes for a month or so, I would have to seek help from a psychiatrist and undergo a prescription medication.
My plan worked. Walking, training, fresh air, a chance meeting with a sympathetic new mother - all this reduced my sadness and fears. I was able to see what dark place I was in, only because now I was diving into the much-needed light. Of course, there were failures (for example, when I was stuck in traffic with my crying son and gave a guttural cry of irritation, which scared my baby to a squeal), but I was given the tools defining my triggers and the ability to deal with them. After several months of my therapy, I finally understood what all the moms were talking about - I could be with my child and really enjoy this process.
I always frankly talked about my experiences, even in the darkest times for me, but I found that many women do not want to talk about motherhood in the context of mental health. Instead of maintaining a flat and superficial conversation with conflicting photos on Instagram, we need to remove this shameful curtain, being open, honest and kind with each other.
We need to be more sincere about our feelings in order to normalize them. So many of us suffer in silence, because we are not honest with ourselves.
Recognize the fact that you really do not want to deal with a diaper filled with shit and a screaming baby while your vagina is still swollen and bleeding? This is true.
Moms, let's honestly say that sometimes we wear child-stained jeans, which have actually remained since pregnancy, because only you can fit into these jeans. Post a photo of your child standing in a puddle of his own urine, because you ran out of regular diapers and you thought that a bathing diaper would save you (answer: bathing diapers do not absorb moisture). “Perfect imperfection” means a state of perfection. The key to breaking down surface barriers and impossible expectations for us is to establish lines of communication and create safe places for women where they can turn for help if they need it.
