'Fear, pain and shame': how the humiliating wedding traditions of the Caucasus haunt modern women
'21.10.2019'
Source: Air force
Weddings - one of the happiest experiences in life for many - are often a nightmare for women in countries with strong patriarchal traditions. In Azerbaijan, where marriage by parental decision is still common, ancient customs turn this day into mental and physical torture of the bride, the consequences of which can be felt for years.
“When, after the wedding, he began to undress in front of me, I got scared,” Elmira recalls her wedding night (the name was changed at the request of the heroine, writes Air force). “And no matter how much I thought about the fact that I was already married and this should happen, it didn’t calm me at all - I only knew that I had to undress right now too.”
At that time Elmira was 27 years old, she graduated from the university and worked as a translator. Her parents took her husband. She agreed to marry him in order to “please her mother”.
“He was just our neighbor, we had different views, he was without education, we had nothing in common,” she recalls. - My brothers introduced me to him and said that he was a good guy. My mother was happy that, having married a neighbor, I would be in her sight all the time ”.
Several times Elmira told her mother that she did not want to start a family now. Mother told relatives about this, and they began to put pressure on her.
“And I was already 27, and they began to suspect that suddenly I was not a virgin, since I did not want to get married,” she says.
But sex on their wedding night was the first for Elmira. Knowing this, her husband was not at all interested in her well-being, she says. He simply leaned on her, and when her head began to beat against the closet, a knock and a woman's shout was heard from the next room: "Hey, be quiet there, what a lack of culture!"
At that moment, Elmira's mother, two aunts, her mother-in-law and another distant relative (the one who knocked and shouted) were sitting outside the door - people traditionally needed to assure the “act of love” and virginity of the bride.
“Any sound was heard,” Elmira recalls. “I was shaking all over with pain and shame and wondered if this really was a marriage.”
That very distant relative played the role of "yengi" - a married woman who immediately after the wedding goes home to the newlyweds to sit all night in the next room. One of her duties is consultations, since it is believed that the bride is a priori ignorant of sex, and therefore has the right to run out of the bedroom to ask an older and experienced woman for advice.
Yengi's other duty is to retrieve the sheet from the bride and groom's bed.
"The wedding night is shrouded in mysticism"
Demonstration of bed linen in the morning after the wedding is a tradition typical for many peoples of the Caucasus. Traces of blood on it serve as confirmation of sexual intercourse for relatives. Seeing such "evidence", the relatives congratulate the newlyweds, and only after that the marriage is considered to be really valid.
“Thus, the wedding night is often shrouded in mysticism, they say, what the sheet will show in the morning,” said Shahla Ismail, a researcher in the field of women's rights in Azerbaijan. "And when the next morning the sheet is shown to relatives, everyone considers it their duty to comment on what they saw."
If there is no blood on the sheet, the girl can be kicked out and returned to her parents as “defective”. After that, she is considered a “divorcee” - it is often difficult for her to remarry, and in her parents' house she can be bullied.
On the subject: In Tajikistan, a husband beat and left his wife on the second day of marriage, having doubted her virginity
Azerbaijani human rights activists say that the tradition of witnessing the first wedding night and presenting the sheet is widespread mainly outside large cities.
Sometimes before the wedding a girl is checked for virginity by “specialists” - using a gynecological procedure, the effectiveness of which is questioned by leading international organizations. Last fall, the UN and WHO called for an end to this practice, which persists in at least 20 countries around the world, calling it traumatic and humiliating for women. As noted in the statement, the concept of virginity is absent in medicine and is only a social, cultural and religious concept.
"Horror covered any shame"
For Elmira, the feelings associated with the first wedding night are fear, pain and shame. She heard the lights on and off outside the door, the pouring of tea; she knew that she and her husband in the other room were also heard.
“I was not myself and was just afraid to say something,” she recalls. “I didn’t sleep all night, and he didn’t care, so he fell asleep calmly.”
In the morning the “witnesses” went into the bedroom to pick up the sheet.
“By that time, I didn't care, I understood intellectually how disgusting it was, but what happened at night, this horror, it covered any shame,” says Elmira. - When a woman gives birth, she doesn't care whether the gynecologist is a man or a woman. So here - I knew that everyone would consider this sheet, but I was so shocked that I don't even remember how it was taken away. "
The tradition of witnesses and sheets has become more traumatic for women over the years, says psychologist Hellas Gorina. In the modern world, where more and more people get married later and by the time of marriage, as a rule, they already have an idea about sex, relatives sitting in the next room no longer need to consult the newlyweds, and their role is reduced to verifying the virginity of the bride.
“Until now, for many women, yengya is the norm. In their picture of the world, this is neither good nor bad, in the world where they were born and raised, there was no other way, - says Gorina. “Traumatization, conflict and distress occur when new generations of people develop in conditions of greater enlightenment [than their parents].”
Nigar, who used to live in the north of Azerbaijan, recalls that during her wedding night there were not one or two “consultants” in the next room, but “the whole village”. “I’ve never felt so ashamed, but I thought that since it’s accepted, the elders are probably better at understanding,” she says.
According to Nigar, neither she nor her husband had any desire to have sex, because they heard outside the door “sitting, moving chairs, breathing”. The next morning they also had to show the sheet.
Then Nigar was 18, now she is a little over 30, she is divorced, lives in Baku, and calls her relatives “perverts”.
However, not everyone manages to start a new life, and because of the position of women in patriarchal societies, it is very difficult to change the established order.
“It happens that a woman and her husband talk about this [about the wedding night], sometimes she is afraid to even open her mouth and hopes that her husband will start behaving differently,” says Ellada Gorina. “Here we are already coming out on the topic of gender inequality, when women are in an oppressed state.”
"Red Apple"
The tradition associated with the sheet is in Armenia, Azerbaijan, sometimes found in Georgia and some republics of the North Caucasus.
The Armenian custom is similar to the Azeri one, except that there are no witnesses at the door. It's called the “red apple,” a delicate reference to the blood on the laundry. The tradition is also observed here mainly outside of Yerevan.
“The further from the capital, the more painful the patient is and the greater the resistance, sometimes reaching fanaticism,” says Nina Karapetyants, chair of the Helsinki Association for Human Rights in Armenia.
She recalls the cases when the next morning after the first wedding night, relatives with neighbors came to the newlyweds in the bedroom to check the sheet, and then sent baskets with red apples and gifts to the bride's house. After that, the brides' relatives could invite their relatives and neighbors and prove that their daughter is "pure and chaste."
“Thus, half of the city, and in the villages the whole village, took part in the humiliation ritual,” says Karapetyants.
On the subject: Honor, conscience and chastity: myths and truth about relationships and marriage in the USSR
In villages, girls are often given in marriage as soon as they turn 18, and many have no specialty or work. If such a girl does not pass the "apple test", the parents may refuse her.
35-year-old Ani (name changed at the request of the heroine) met her future husband at a party when they were just over 20. Despite the fact that both have higher education, they live in Yerevan and married for love, they denied themselves sex before marriage - so as not to raise questions from conservative relatives.
“I was sitting, having breakfast in the kitchen - my mother-in-law and women came from the side of my husband, aunt, grandma and a couple of close neighbors,” she recalls the morning after the wedding. “So I sat in another room while the“ delegation ”did the check.” According to Ani, that morning she rather felt relief, because now she can live her life without fear of gossip behind her back.
"Didn't remember that night"
According to the psychologist Hellas Gorina, if some people experience this experience relatively easily, then for others the injury can last for years.
“There was a case when a man came with a different problem, but it turned out that [after the first wedding night] there was no blood, and in the middle of the night her husband's whole family was taken to the doctor to check whether she was a virgin or not,” the psychologist recalls.
According to her, such an invasion of personal space makes a woman feel like a victim of violence, the consequences of which she then can not cope for a long time.
Six months after the wedding, Elmira’s husband died.
“We didn't remember that night for six months,” she says.
After the death of her husband, she no longer had men - according to her, because of a psychological barrier.
“I would even be ready to get married or have a relationship, but my past experience stops me,” she says.
Elmira has a ten-year-old son with whom she talks about sex and talks about how the female body works.
“I will tell him - behave like a human being, and if there is ever a daughter, I will tell her - don’t make my mistakes,” she promises to herself.
“Now, if I were in that situation, I would have behaved differently with him (my husband - BBC) and with my aunts,” Elmira says.
Experts from Armenia and Azerbaijan agree that these traditions, although slowly, are becoming a thing of the past.
“The new generation is ready to fight for their rights,” says Armenian human rights activist Nina Karapetyants.
“I know families who refused the ceremony,” said Azerbaijani researcher Shahla Ismayil. “I believe that these people are brave, and that changes begin with them.”
According to Georgian human rights activists, in their country, custom with a sheet is almost never encountered.
Even 30 years ago, weddings were celebrated at home, in a restaurant or in a large tent on the street. Today even poor families go to special “celebration houses” for this purpose, which grew up during the years of independence in all cities.
In one of these houses in the suburbs of Sumgait, the wedding is celebrated between Arif and Maleyka (names have been changed) - young people from poor families who were introduced by relatives. Traditionally, the bride and groom sit separately - on a dais, at a single table without alcohol. As if from a pedestal, they watch how their guests - almost 400 people - dance and have fun. Nobody shouts "bitterly", the groom does not kiss the bride - it is not accepted at all.
However, with the modest, unsmiling look she was supposed to, Maleika did not stay long - under the amazed glances of her relatives she also went out to dance. The guests whispered and gossiped, called Maleyka an insolent and shameless person.
"This is really a disco!" - one was indignant.
“How can you be so immodest, she doesn't respect traditions,” another complained.
The guests did not like the fact that the bride did not pay due attention to all of them, that she preferred to communicate with friends, rather than relatives, that she commanded her husband.
But in the finale, tradition also reached the bride and groom. When their car drove away from the house of festivities, another followed after them, in which four tipsy women sat.
