'It's scary not to live up to expectations': how an excellent student's syndrome interferes with life
'11.05.2021'
Source: Burning hut
And we will focus not only on excellent grades, but all night long for textbooks. Outside of schools and universities, fear of not meeting the expectations of others can be a serious problem. Valeria Chebitko tells her story for the portal Burning hut.
Excellence Syndrome in Life
This syndrome began to significantly interfere with my life after graduation, when I needed to look for work. It seemed that I did not fit a single vacancy: there are too many requirements, but I still have no experience, so nothing will work. If I still decided to send a resume and was refused, then for several days I could not do anything - just cry.
The most painful thing was to answer friends 'questions where I got a job: I wanted to look in their eyes a successful rather than an unemployed graduate, living on my parents' money.
I finished school with a gold medal; I graduated from the university with a honors degree. I was always ashamed to get bad grades, because "well, I'm not stupid!" It was especially embarrassing when, say, in a physics lesson (I had problems with it), grades for examinations were read aloud and I got three. The whole class heard it! If I was sent to a university for a retake, and someone from those who studied worse passed the same exam, I felt worthless.
Usually, after failures, I scolded myself and began to work twice as hard to correct my grades. But, unfortunately, I tried to be an excellent student not only at school or university, but also beyond. The approval of others was what was important. And it would be nice if it was only about the approval of friends, classmates or teachers. But it was important for me to look good even in the eyes of a casual woman with an angry face on the bus, who in a nasty voice argues how impudent and ill-educated young people are today. I’m not like that, I’m very well-mannered: I will give up my place to my grandmother and apologize several times if I step on my foot.
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Once a friend said that he had the impression that I was afraid to do something wrong. In fact, I'm very afraid. So much so that I almost do not presume to do something new, even if I really want to. I reason like this: if you start now, it will take a lot of time to achieve high results and become better, and not the fact that everything will work out. And I am most afraid of failure. In an effort to please everyone and please everyone, you stop hearing yourself and miss your desires.
A student’s syndrome makes it impossible to take risks. But in life there are many situations when it is impossible to predict the outcome.
Another consequence of such exactingness for myself was procrastination: I put off until the last thing, which I’m not sure about, because I am afraid in advance that nothing will work out in the end. And before starting to do something, I ask myself several times: what will others say?
This is the most defining “symptom” of people with excellent student syndrome - it is important for them to be praised, then they feel they are needed and loved. Recognition and love are very similar concepts, therefore they are often replaced: a person does not receive enough love and through recognition of his merits by others, this deficiency is filled.
Causes
Most often, the reason is in the family: the parents scold the child a lot, they are always unhappy with him, but they praise him if he gets fives. It is logical that the child seeks to do everything well so that he is more often praised. And it often takes this need into adulthood: it seeks the approval of colleagues, a boss, and a partner.
But there are times when other factors influence the formation of the syndrome.
My parents supported me. Mom always said that a bad rating is not the worst thing that can happen in life. My circumstances were synchronized swimming classes.
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Now I understand that any sport on a more or less professional level can temper someone, and in someone like me put a bunch of complexes. I was 11, we trained six times a week, sometimes twice a day - before and after lessons. At first I even liked it, but more and more often training and competition turned into hell. All the time I was in tension and the only thought that sat in my head: "the main thing is not to mess up." Because she knew: if I show a bad result, they will punish me. Perhaps at first they will ignore, and then report to the whole team.
Once, before a very important performance, the coach came up to me and said: “The girls have played poorly before you, we have a chance to take a decent place, just try to do something wrong.” I did well then, but I still remember how I was shaking, I didn’t want to go to the start and dreamed of losing consciousness - anything, if only the performance was canceled. As a result, I quit swimming, but the fear of doing something wrong remained.
Benefit, harm, anger
Excellent student syndrome is sometimes helpful. Let's say it helps to move up the career ladder. But only in large corporations, where the work is automated, there is a clear structure and clear rules. People with excellent student syndrome tend to live by the rules, so such an environment is comfortable for them.
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Creative professions are more complicated: often you have to take risks and what you do can cause an ambiguous reaction. I have chosen the profession of a journalist and I feel how the syndrome is preventing me from developing: I am afraid to tackle complex or resonant topics, I do not respond to vacancies that require more than just writing text, and I always monitor the reaction of people on the Internet to their publications.
A familiar girl psychologist explained to me that in youth it is easier to fight the syndrome, and at a more mature age - at the age of forty - it can result in an existential crisis.
I was very angry with myself that I could not live a normal life and was once again afraid to do something. But understanding did not help solve the problem. One fine day, I got so angry with myself that I decided to go to a psychologist.
Sessions helped me. Now I am increasingly overpowering myself and leaving the comfort zone. The sensations at the same time are very unusual - I am very happy when I deal with something that I did not do before and was afraid to even start. But focusing on the opinions of others has not yet stopped. Although sometimes it seems to me that negative ratings still began to hurt me less.
Original article by Valeria Chebitko published on the portal Burning Hut.
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