How to overcome the difference in mentalities in a relationship? How can you, without knowing the ideal language of your partner, establish a deep connection and find “your” person in his person? The financial component of the relationship: maintaining the family budget and talking about money with a foreigner. And how not to lose yourself, dissolving in a foreign culture? On this topic, we talked with the motivational speaker and creator of the international women's project - Ada Konde.
As a person who is in close contact with a large number of women, and also being married to a foreigner, Ada Condé often hears the question: how to build a happy family with a person of a different culture and overcome all difficulties?
“The answer will be unexpected: there is no need to overcome the difference in mentalities,” Ada replies. - You need to get rid of the illusion that a man should be understandable and comfortable. This is a big delusion and even a "straitjacket" for revealing our femininity. Why? Because it is the ability to accept the beloved for who he is, to love your differences, to be inspired by them, to be impressed and cherished, that will help a woman gain incredible potential and discover the source of unthinkable happiness. "
But when choosing a life partner, make sure that your core values do coincide. What can be attributed to the core values? Of course, everyone has it individually. For example: the desire to have children, live with parents or separately, views on whether a woman should work and what place she occupies in the family. And although we are talking about marriages between women from the countries of the former USSR and Americans, we should not forget that America is not America. Pay attention - which person of the family is from and look at its device - this is an important point.
“If a man and a woman are absolutely clear to each other: they have the same tastes, priorities and values, in many ways they have similar views, then this is a rather boring couple,” says Konde.
The language barrier
But how can you, without knowing the ideal language of your partner, establish a deep connection and find “your” person in his face?
Let's assume a situation. For example, you move to the USA and meet a person who has moved from Spain. You both speak broken English. Accordingly, there can be a mitigating circumstance, because both of you understand how difficult it is to explain in an unfamiliar language. But in such a pair, people will “transmit” mistakes to each other, and correct English will have to be taught on the side: at the university, at work, with friends, at the courses.
If a man speaks English in a pair, and for him it is his native language, but for you a foreign one and, perhaps, you have not completely mastered it, then many women may have a feeling of some kind of inferiority, because your companion beautifully expresses his thoughts, and you are trying at the level of 5-year-old child to convey to him their emotions and thoughts. But we are talking only about the ability to use the language. However, even with an extremely small vocabulary of words, you can always convey what you need.
“The main thing is that you yourself do not interfere with yourself with your constraint and feelings that you are not able to express yourself as beautifully as you could do in your native language,” explains Ada Konde. - Give yourself time. A language cannot be learned in one week. But if you are going to live together for decades, then you have enough time left. "
There is an important point: do not let laugh at your mistakes. Yes, when you are corrected from time to time, this is probably good. But if it is eternal jokes and jerks, then you should rebel and let your partner know that this way he does not exactly motivate to study you.
“And I'm sure you will agree: the most important language is the language of your actions, the language of your relationship to your partner. Actions can express support, love and understanding much more clearly than words, ”says the founder of the women's project.
Someone is experiencing that it is impossible to joke in a foreign language, but this brings together. When there is mutual understanding between you, the desire and willingness to develop, to know each other and respect, the question of understanding humor already goes to the secondary plan. And do not worry, soon you will notice that you can joke without knowing the language.
“And if you hear stories of women who cannot build a close and deep relationship with their foreign husband because they have a language barrier, do not hang your ears too much, because this is not so,” says Ada. “There would be a desire and readiness to come closer and accept a partner and oneself in these relations, but there will always be ways, and the language will not definitely become an obstacle.”
However, you will notice: despite the fact that people have one language, one culture, the reason for the breakdown of the family is the "suppression" of discontent, inability to speak. And when these are mixed marriages (different religions, nationalities ...), it seems that many times everything becomes more complicated. Or is it a myth? And you can tighten your language, watch films from your partner's childhood, read books of his youth - there would be a desire ...
“Ask your chosen one what his favorite two or three books and two or three films are,” says Ada Konde. - Find them in the language that is convenient for you to perceive and immerse yourself in the world of your man. A very important rule in relationships is not to criticize, no matter how strange the choice may seem. Never laugh or question his ability or taste. Another person is another universe, and therefore treat with awe when you manage to touch it. "
Let's consider the following situation: people get to know each other, and after a while she moves to him from Russia to America. It can be said that it is much worse than if they were of different nationalities, but both would have lived in the same country (he had lived all his life, and she had been for several years)? Is there often a relationship problem in mixed marriages that destroys relationships?
“Let's imagine that a girl has been living in the United States for several years, she already has her own social circle, her own interests, and a social environment,” the expert explains. - She meets a man and, in principle, her life is only supplemented or enriched. Now let's take another case. The woman is pretty well settled in her country: she has a good career, friends, parents, habitual occupations ... And then, falling in love, she moved to America. And if you want or not, you need to settle in a new place: look for a social circle, declare yourself ... If you do not want to complicate the relationship, immediately give up reproaches from the category “I moved only because of you”, “I left because of you career "," because I moved to your country, now it is very difficult for me. " Complaints and accusations will not lead you to a happy future. "
Change your fears and anxiety to curiosity and anticipation, and regret for leaving your life behind to thank you for meeting your loved one, for having happened such an interesting twist of fate.
And if a woman, having moved to her beloved, takes responsibility for her destiny upon herself (enrolls in courses, goes looking for friends, learns to entertain, develop and occupy herself with something), then the man will have much more respect, and passion will increase in relationships , and high-quality content.
“Sometimes a woman doesn't move,” Kondé makes an interesting observation. - That is, her body with suitcases moves, but her thoughts, emotions and even what she connects her plans with, remains in her homeland. She literally cannot take a step into a new life. Such a woman sits on the phone for hours with her mother or friend and stops living in the present and the future. And a person who is in the past is just a shadow from a person. As you can imagine, such a woman destroys relationships by her absence from them. "
The financial component of the relationship. How to keep a family budget?
Often, issues related to finances are exacerbated and not resolved for a long, long time, and sometimes even before the divorce for one very sad reason: a woman thinks that it is ugly to talk about it or raise this topic, it will seem mercantile, it’s not so well understood think about it.
“You won’t believe how often the fear of talking about what worries and upsets you is a more significant problem than the difference in mentality itself,” says Ada Conde. - Dialogue is everything. Do not hush up your indignation, talk about it in the key “in my family, in my country it was accepted this way, I noticed that in yours it is different. Let's share our views and think about how we can make both of us feel comfortable in a relationship? "
Explain to the man what it means to you when he, say, constantly divides the payment. Sincerely tell me what you feel. "
To be or not to be?
Moving to another country and marrying a person of a different nationality - do you really need to “crush” yourself under these circumstances? How to cope, because some are very difficult to maintain a balance when there is no harmony? And harmony often leaves us when fundamental changes occur in life ...
"It is by no means worth crushing yourself, just as you should not make yourself a hero," says the motivational speaker Ada Konde. - Most likely, it is your illusion that you are expected to comply with the norms of his culture and society. This is absurd! Why then did this man find himself a woman far away? If you adjust: shrink here, and then stick out your elbow in order to fit into the "stencil", which, by the way, invented for yourself, you will very soon lose your individuality, become boring and insipid, and there will still appear a lot of complaints and grievances towards your partner ... And no matter what we say to ourselves, the day is not far off when physical attraction, gratitude, and a sense of admiration for our chosen one will disappear, because resistance will grow inside ”.
We all would feel much better if we remembered that our partner also wants to see us as real. Therefore, you do not need to overcome the difference of mentalities, you do not need to fight with yourself, twist your arms, but you should change your opinion on the incredible opportunities that give you a relationship with a person from another culture.
Ada Conde - She graduated from Regents University in London with a degree in Psychotherapy and Counseling, a motivational speaker and founder of a project on the conscious management of life.