'The child is not in the plans': why women choose the ideology of childfree and how society puts pressure on them
'13.11.2020'
Source: Burning hut
The main ideology of childfree is a conscious unwillingness to have children in the name of personal freedom and not only. According to the latest data from VTsIOM, over ten years the share of adherents of this ideology has grown from almost zero to 6%. We talked with three women about why they do not see themselves in the role of a mother, and asked a psychologist what explains the emergence of the childfree subculture, writes Nastya Komova in her column on Burning hut.
Mirro, thrift store owner and blogger, 36
“I realized that I didn't want to have children at the age of 20. Then, foolishly, she flew from a guy with whom she was not in a serious relationship. When she found out that she was pregnant, he had already left to live in another city. At that time I was in my second year at university. To support myself, I worked as a waitress and housekeeper. The child did not fit into my plans for the future. Then I made the decision to have an abortion, ”says Mirro.
I did not experience any depression, remorse, or physical pain either before, during or after the procedure. Everything went very quickly. The next day, I already celebrated my twentieth birthday. Over the past 16 years, I have never regretted what I did.
Physiologically, the process of pregnancy and childbirth disgusts me. I was only eight weeks pregnant, but I managed to experience toxicosis and the most severe emotional swing, and I gained weight noticeably. My beautiful girlish breasts of the second size greatly increased in volume and then immediately sagged sharply.
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Doctors warned that after an abortion I will most likely not be able to get pregnant anymore, and that suits me. Motherhood doesn't appeal to me.
I have been in a relationship for twelve years, of which two years have been married. My husband supports my position and has never tried to challenge it.
Friends and acquaintances already know my harsh and uncompromising character, so they don't go where they are not asked. When attempts to pressure from the side of society begin, I sharply suppress them. Although ten years ago she entered into a heated debate on the topic of childbirth. At that time, in my environment, everyone just began to take turns getting married and actively giving birth to children. Many said: "When you grow up, the maternal instinct will wake up!" Okay, I'm 36, I really don't want to be an adult, but I still don't want to breed.
True, even now there are people who persistently insist that an excellent mother will come out of me. Lack of desire, they do not consider a sufficiently strong argument, in terms of idiotic sayings about glasses, bunnies and the appetite that comes with eating. I think that at my age, giving birth to a child is a risky and completely irresponsible occupation. My body is no longer in proper shape. I risk ruining my own physical and mental health and condemning my new life to congenital pathologies.
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My financial situation is unstable. I don't want anyone to have the same poor childhood as mine. I don't want someone like me to be forced to live in this completely uncomfortable and hostile environment that surrounds us. And I think that the planet is already overpopulated to the limit, which is why it is trying to get rid of humanity, as from parasites, sending more and more diseases. But some people completely brush aside all logical arguments. It used to annoy me a lot, but now I just stop talking if I see blinkeredness and stubbornness in front of me.
Rita, cameraman, photographer, artist, vocalist, 33 years old
“I know that being a mother would be quite aloof and irritable. My work sometimes involves children. And most often intelligent, developed people come to me. But there are also just unintelligent harmful monkeys - I try to stay away from them at work and in life. They do not cause affection. I am annoyed by children's crying, whims and scenes. I don't think I know how to deal with children as, perhaps, it should be - with whispers and pressure from authority. I remember myself at a young age, and even then I did not like this behavior of adults, ”says Rita.
At the age of three, I realized that I was strained by hints of future motherhood and gender role. At the same time, I saw that some of the mothers were not satisfied with their lives. It seemed to me that these were driven women who abandoned their dreams for the sake of motherhood. Always in fear of being left without support, nervous, embittered, crippled by childbirth.
My first conscious memory was one incident: I was just three years old, and I dropped pushpins on the carpet. Where did they come from in the hands of a child - I don't know. I only know what happened after. I was playing with the construction set when my mother came in. Barefoot, she walked across that carpet and started screaming. I didn't understand what was happening. When my mother sat down in a chair and pulled her legs under her, I saw bloody feet. Pulling out the buttons, she angrily poured everything that had accumulated on me; called it "offspring", "creature"; she promised to kill me someday, because I have only problems and no life. She said that she did not build a career because of the pregnancy. That she sacrificed everything and gave birth to a misunderstanding. And the idea of selling me for organs, if I continue to grieve her, is an excellent decision and at least some benefit. And no, my mother is not an alcoholic, not a drug addict, but a woman from a prosperous family. It just seems that she did not understand when she wanted to have a child that children are not just cute toys.
It surprises me that before getting an animal, people weigh their forces for a long time, study the issue. And a child, according to my impressions, is sometimes given up just like that, without thinking in advance what kind of responsibility and bondage it is.
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With young people we find out on the shore who and what they want from life. They are usually childfree too. Otherwise, I see no reason to start a relationship - we have different paths. My relatives at one time did not understand my position, they said that it would pass, I had not yet grown to awareness. But I was already 33, and it became obvious to them that nothing had passed, no clock was ticking, no instincts were turned on. Now the pressure about my position is most often experienced by outside men who themselves do not want a family.
Julia, copywriter, 27 years old
“Since childhood, I was kind of“ different ”: I was not fond of dolls, I preferred dinosaurs and all kinds of encyclopedias about antiquity, I wanted to be a paleontologist. Later I was drawn to history and law, so I went to law school. There, too, she was immersed in the educational process, somehow it never even entered my head to dream of a wedding and children. Even then, a friend called me a "cynical bitch" for my skepticism about marriage and love. Probably, then I realized that family life and children are not mine, ”explains Yulia.
The decisive moment was the standard of living and the understanding that there is no point in having children when there is no decent medicine, study, respect for rights, and well-paid work.
I see a gloomy and hopeless picture of life with a child: lack of funds, constant stress and powerlessness in front of the system.
It is enough to turn on the TV, where the propaganda of increasing the birth rate contrasts with the pleas for help to sick children. To give birth in such conditions is to create additional difficulty for yourself and doom the child to a terrible life.
My parents adhere to the same views and believe that giving birth to children is necessary only if there is a desire and an opportunity. They reject the principle "there will be a bunny, there will be a lawn".
Oddly enough, the greatest obsession with the idea of procreation is observed on the part of the male sex. For example, a year ago I met a guy, we started talking. And literally immediately he started talking about the family, about children, began to make some grandiose plans. As it turned out, he saw his happiness exclusively with children. We parted.
Another problem is strangers. It is from their side that the real reproductive violence is felt. For example, negative comments on social media, when you may be called “not a woman” for refusing to have children.
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Before, I worked in an office and there I regularly faced questions from colleagues: “When will you give birth? Why won't you give birth? How do you not want? Fall in love - you want! " The relations in the team were good, but it was these questions that put me in an unpleasant position when I wanted to answer people harshly, and not make excuses. The same thing happens with my mother: colleagues regularly ask her about grandchildren and make surprised faces when she replies that I am not planning children. They begin ridiculous interrogations, questioning, consolations, advice.
One of the most important nuances in the life of a childfree in the post-Soviet countries is mentality. Many people scold modern girls for their posts allegedly destroying traditional values. But in fact, we so often write about the voluntary abandonment of children, not because we oppose the institution of the family or, at the request of the State Department, are promoting something immoral. No. We just want society to finally realize that a woman is not an incubator, and she does not owe anything to anyone. And to impose on her a certain role, to coerce or persuade, is contrary to common sense. The most important thing is to convey simple truths to people. Children are not the main goal in life for everyone, and there is no need to blame them for this.
The most popular questions about childfree were answered by a psychologist Maria Babaeva.
Why do people who do not want to have children face judgments so often?
Childfree as an identity and position calls into question many long-standing stereotypes. Opponents of this movement are people who, most likely, habitually follow these stereotypes all their lives and do not understand themselves what they really want. And when a person appears who speaks and demonstrates that it is possible to live differently, people become scared and uncomfortable. This calls into question their worldview and creates space for freedom for which they are not ready.
It is believed that women become childfree because of a cruel childhood. It's true?
Childfree is a woman's choice. It is incorrect to believe that such a position is formed due to a problem childhood and bad relationships with parents. Almost every person has some kind of psychological trauma. There are no people who grew up in some kind of closed space where everything was perfect. But traumas do not always determine our future life. Our psyche processes most of the trauma. If a person has gone through some difficult situation, this does not mean that it will then completely influence him. Childfree subculture is not a negative consequence.
Is it normal not to want children?
Children are not always happiness and the meaning of life. Many do not understand what motherhood actually entails. Like any phenomenon, it is multifaceted. This is not only joy, happiness and rapture, but also a colossal burden, financial spending, emotional exhaustion, responsibility, anxiety. When you come to a decision on the meaning of life, you need to understand that it depends on you. You determine what is important to you. In my opinion, motherhood, a career, and a hobby are absolutely equal in meaning. Choosing a career is okay and no less valuable than kids.
There is no scientific evidence or valid research that maternal and paternal instincts exist.
When a woman gives birth to a child, she releases hormones that cause a strong feeling of love for the child. Nature has laid down such a mechanism so that the mother in the earliest periods does not leave the child. It is a chemical and short-lived process. When the hormones disappear, the story of the relationship between mother and child begins. Motherhood is a social practice that we observe from birth, interacting with parents and reading literature. But we are not obliged to borrow it and repeat it in our lives. Therefore, if a woman does not feel warm feelings for children and does not want to have them, this is normal.
The original publication is in the column Nastya Komova on “Burning hut"
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