Destructive habits in relationships that seem good to many
'06.12.2020'
Source: Life hacker
The key to a harmonious union is to talk to each other, and not follow advice from films and social networks, reminds Lifehacker.
1. Dissolve in each other
Angler fish literally grow together in the process of breeding. For many, this is exactly what an ideal relationship looks like: partners should spend all the time together, have only common interests, be everything for each other.
The fact that people are together does not mean that they have one life for two and they must give up everything that exists besides the relationship. Each of the couple previously had their own goals, dreams and hobbies that shaped their personality. Harmonious relationships only add new colors to life, and do not force you to sacrifice what was dear.
2. Make up in bed
Sex after a fight is considered very bright, and there is a scientific basis for this. Conflict can be perceived as a threat to the relationship. And this feeling includes a kind of defense mechanism that motivates to restore a sense of intimacy and security through intimacy. That is, the partners are especially excited, and even transform the strong emotions provoked by the conflict into sexual desire. It is no coincidence that sex after a quarrel is mentioned in one way or another in many films and TV series.
But in the long term, such intimacy may not have very good consequences. It is not for nothing that in English it is sometimes called make-up sex - make-up sex. There is nothing wrong with intercourse, problems begin when it is used not in addition, but instead of verbal reconciliation. After all, the problem due to which the quarrel took place does not disappear anywhere, and it still needs to be discussed.
In addition, there is a risk that one of the partners will deliberately provoke fights for the sake of sex after them.
On the subject: What surprises Americans about our family relationships: the experience of an immigrant
3. Tolerate so as not to offend
It seems that every second toast at weddings ends with the words "and most importantly - patience." Many take this as a guarantee of a good relationship and endure the inconvenience. But it cannot go on like this for a long time, sooner or later the dam of patience will break through and discontent will rush to the partner. But he may not even be aware that the other is playing a hero.
Let's say a girl brings breakfast in bed to a guy on a weekend, but he doesn't want to eat in bed. He wants to empty his bladder, brush his teeth and so that after waking up for 10 minutes no one touches him. But he appreciates the care and does not want to offend his beloved, and therefore every weekend, in a state of complete discomfort, he chews what she brought, gets angry, and then breaks down because of some trifle. It seems that both want to please each other, but in the end no one is pleased.
Understanding your emotions and being able to identify them, talking to each other is much more important than tolerating, and also much more productive.
4. To patronize each other
Any romantic public on social networks is bursting with vanilla quotes about how a guy made a girl wear a hat. And "forced" here is a key word, implying sanctions up to and including assault. And in the comments, hundreds of people write: "What love!"
The example, of course, is exaggerated, but people sometimes go too far in their attempts to "do good" to their loved ones. When partners take care of each other, that's great. But do not forget that adult equal people live together. No one adopted or adopted anyone, and therefore everyone is able to figure out what he is eating, what time to go to bed and whether to wear a hat.
5. Compensate for the consequences of a quarrel with gifts
And again we will plunge into the world of social networks and romantic comedies, which make it clear that whatever you do, you can always compensate for it with expensive gifts or beautiful gestures. There was a conflict, but a bouquet of 100 roses or borscht was used - and there is no conflict.
All this looks impressive from the outside, but has nothing to do with solving problems because of which the partners quarrel, because the contradictions do not disappear anywhere. But this can develop an unhealthy pattern of behavior, when one partner behaves as he wants and then simply "bribes", and the second provokes conflicts for the sake of wide gestures and attention.
6. Use lack of intimacy as punishment
In sitcoms and anecdotes, the subject of jokes is often the situation when a man has done something wrong and the woman refuses to be intimate. Moreover, he announces a term that depends on the scale of the offense. It would seem that this plot moved into the humorous genre, because it stopped meeting in life. But no, the forums are actively discussing how effective this method is. Moreover, both men and women practice it.
But sex is a process that involves two people. They both want it and both have fun. And when it is used as a means of "training", it turns out that only one person is interested in it. With this feeling, it is unpleasant to go to bed even in conflict-free times.
On the subject: Personal boundaries in a relationship: what your partner should never ask for
7. Keep score
It is assumed that people should invest approximately equally in relationships. But sometimes partners are too careful to ensure that the "contributions" are the same. One makes a gift, which means that the other should too. If someone has forgotten about the partner's request, they will receive a response - their desire will also be ignored. Everything seems to be fair. But we are still talking about romantic relationships, not market ones.
In a harmonious union, everyone wants to do better for himself and his partner. It is not necessary to settle scores here.
8. Consider jealousy a manifestation of love
Popular wisdom says: "Jealous means love." If a person does not follow each SMS with a proprietary gaze, does not prohibit communicating with people of the opposite sex, then he is not very keen on his partner. In such a case, it is sometimes advised even to specially adjust the situation so that he or she is worried: let him understand that he can lose forever! On the other hand, popular wisdom also says that hitting means loving, so you shouldn't really trust her in relationship matters.
Jealousy is a painful feeling that makes a person doubt himself and his partner, feel vulnerable, and suffer. Everyone faces it from time to time. And worrying about the fact that your partner is not suffering enough is clearly not worth it. It has little to do with the power of love.
9. "Helping" your partner to become better
Some build relationships according to the method of Pope Carlo: they find an unsuitable person for themselves and try to shake Buratino out of him. Someone hopes to change a partner with love, someone - pressure, which is even worse. Naturally, all this is done supposedly with the best intentions. A little effort - and the beloved will become more beautiful and cheerful, and even smarter and more promising.
And here is the time to remember that partners in a relationship are equal. And in general, one has no right to insist that the other change. You can talk to him about what does not suit him, ask him to behave differently. But no one is obliged, for example, to change worn-out sneakers for dress shoes, because the other half likes it that way. And if you start to threaten, manipulate and throw out unwanted shoes secretly, then this is not help, but violence.
10. Change so that your partner loves you more
The phenomenon described in the previous paragraph has a downside. Sometimes people want to match their partner's desires so much that they try to transform themselves by breaking them on the knee. Of course, nothing good comes of it. Because you need to change for yourself, and not for your partner. Otherwise, it can lead to a decrease in self-esteem, internal conflicts and even depression.
