'I never found the difference in mentality': how do women who have tied fate with foreigners live
'13.11.2019'
Source: lady.mail.ru
These women, in their own experience, checked whether the difference in mentality really hinders building relationships, and told what stereotypes about foreigners turned out to be true.
Ksenia Virtanen (41), married to a Finn
My husband and I met during my exchange training in Turku, Ksenia told the portal lady.mail.ru. The student village then had an atmospheric Three Beers bar. It was a haven for all students, especially from abroad. It was possible to play board games there, and in the course of one such game I met a whole group of Finnish students, among whom was my future husband.
Friendship has always been at the heart of our relations, and even after the wedding it helps us solve many problems, including those related to the difference in mentality. And the same sense of humor. In general, differences fade into the background when people have common values, interests, priorities and they are ready to support each other. Last year I opened a space organization business - the Organized Finn project - and my husband actively helps me develop it.
Along with the difference in mentalities, people are usually also interested in the difference in languages. We have no problems with this either. In the family we communicate mainly in Finnish, but our daughter is bilingual and knows both languages: Finnish and Russian.
The prerequisites for a happy marriage — whether it is international or not — are the ability to compromise and competently share responsibilities. Everyone should do what he does best.
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For example, my husband loves to cook; everything that appears on our table for breakfast, lunch and dinner is the work of his hands. I, in my opinion, have completely forgotten how to do this and do what I like best - I monitor the cleanliness and order. As a result, everyone is happy.
What still surprises me a bit is the Nordic nature of the Finns. At first I noticed that in my husband’s family they say “good”, “acceptable” or “not bad” about food that I just admire, and then it turned out that this is the very peculiarity of the mentality: Finns do not like to demonstrate their admiration. But I don’t give up: when I come across something incredibly tasty at home or in a restaurant, I gladly shower with compliments from my husband or chef.
Special mention deserves Finnish humor. I am very impressed with the expression fifty-sixty, coined by the four-time Olympic ski jumping champion Matti Nyukyanen. It means that everything seems to be honest and equal - 50 on 50 - but still (according to insider information) someone will be in a better position or get more.
Antonina Stankevich (28), married to a Spaniard
I had a dream to go on a surf trip in Latin America: catch waves, dance bachata and talk a lot. But in the end, instead of Latin America, I ended up on the island of eternal spring - Tenerife. And this was the best spontaneous decision in my life.
Waves and bachata were attached, but with communication everything was difficult. For four months I studied Spanish with a teacher, but I decided to talk only with my dog. In any situation, English saves, but not in the north of Tenerife: here even the instructors who constantly communicate with tourists know it in three directions, and the owner of the house from whom I rented a room knew how to say hello in English ....
For the sake of language practice, I began to get acquainted with local guys in the hope of finding interlocutors who were ready to wade through mistakes and a Russian accent for the sake of my charming smile. I told the contents of one film to my new acquaintance like this: three young girls treated a wounded soldier, so that later they could ride on it (para montarle). In fact, they treated him to kill (para matarle). I like to think that this reservation intrigued him, because he took up the capital of my language practice. Together we have been improving my Spanish for two years. Now I speak fluently, but I can make a mistake in conjugation - I have not sat down for textbooks.
My goal then really was only in communication. I surfed every day and there was no more strength left for anything. But when my new friend found out that I was not even on Teide (a volcano on the island, the highest point in Spain and one of the most visited attractions in the world), he took me there by deception. We enjoyed the sunset at the very top and starfall on the way home.
I was skeptical of resort romance, so we were just friends. But a month after my return to Odessa, he came to Ukraine and for two weeks we walked around Kiev. And a month later I again went to Tenerife. And then again. After some time, the two of us went on a trip to Asia. Five countries traveled in a month: they climbed the Great Wall of China, had an accident on the island of Lombok, almost missed the plane at the tiny airport of Malaysia, 3 km walked along the humid heat of Vietnam - and never quarreled.
Only six months have passed since we met, I didn’t even have time to tell my parents about him (they live in Minsk), and he was already considering my move. I thought it was frivolous and at some point “the carriage will turn into a pumpkin”, but I went to him (with all things and a dog).
Usually the Spaniards do not get married until a child grows up in a pair; her husband was seven years old when his parents signed. But we got married quickly so that I could legally live in his country.
In relations with a foreigner, imperfect language skills are both plus and minus. It is difficult to say something on emotions: while you pick up words, emotions subside. But sometimes it turns out the opposite: I wanted to say one thing, it turned out something sharp, while I realized the mistake, he was already offended. In general, I never looked at our relationship through the prism of mentality. I had to get used to some character traits of my husband, but they are personal, not national. It is believed that in Europe, men stopped caring for women, but the husband always carries heavy packages and goes down to the parking lot so that I do not drag my own board. The only typical Spanish that it has is siesta.
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Anastasia Gorshechnikova (28), Belgian bride
We met my future husband in Italy, where both came to get a PhD degree. We were on the list of 15 people who won a grant for postgraduate studies. The most active girl from Brazil arranged a dinner for newly arrived program participants, and our places were close by.
My neighbor was very shy and I mainly had to talk. But in the process of the dialogue it turned out that both of us are big tea lovers, and the next day we went “hunting” for it. It was not easy: in Belgium and Russia they like tea, but in Italy they prefer coffee, and finding good tea is a great success. After this walk, we began to spend a cup of tea every evening. Thus began our friendships. It turned out that, in addition to the love of tea, we still have a lot in common: both love intellectual board games, travel, cook interesting dishes.
Difficulties in our relations, of course, arise, but I cannot say that different mentalities are to blame. For example, now we need to organize a wedding celebration, and we have not yet decided where to hold it: in Belgium, in Russia, or in any other third country. But, as practice has shown, we can find compromises.
My fiance appreciates the fact that I accepted the offer to work in Brussels, abandoning my original intention to move to Germany. I appreciate his desire to respect our Russian traditions and with great zeal to study the Russian language.
Honestly, I don’t feel any differences between us and I don’t think that mentality plays a role when people have the same interests and goals. Someone will say that the difference in mentality will necessarily “pop up” when the romance ends. I will answer that if there are general plans and outlooks on life, it will not be so tangible, because they make us closer day by day. And I have never felt such spiritual intimacy as with my fiancé with any Russian.
Svetlana Kulikova (30), in a civil marriage with a Spaniard
My husband is Spaniard, and we live in my country - in Ukraine. For us, this was the best option, because my husband can work from anywhere in the world, and I would have to solve too many problems to move to it.
We met in the application for language exchange. Initially, no romance was supposed - even when, after a couple of months of communication, he decided to spend his vacation in Ukraine. I was in a stable relationship and did not plan to change anything. But then, as they say, it spun. We had known each other for six months, and we saw each other live for about a week, when he offered to rent an apartment together.
To be honest, I was very afraid that there would be problems due to the difference in mentality. But no matter how I tried to find this difference, I can’t find it. If it is, then uncritical. Yes, my husband eats toast for breakfast, sprinkled with olive oil and tomato, does not clog the refrigerator with food for the future, is not used to taking off his shoes in the house and constantly in touch with his Spanish friends.
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He does not give me flowers, but every day he says as many compliments as all my former young people put together did not say. And he is not ashamed to engage in "female" household chores: cleaning, washing, cooking.
The only terry stereotype about the Spaniards that worked in his case is emotionality and openness. I am a very closed person by nature, and when a pile of his emotions fell on me, it was difficult to digest them all. It feels like pouring a tub of cold water onto yourself: first a shock, and then you begin to slowly move away and the next tub no longer seems so cold.
However, I can’t say that I became a fan of all Spanish and Spanish men - I love a specific person who, by the will of fate, turned out to be a Spaniard.
