The article has been automatically translated into English by Google Translate from Russian and has not been edited.

Common mistakes when meeting you when 40

'14.06.2021'

Source: Wday.ru

Tips divorced women in search of love.

Photo: Shutterstock

Wday.ru tells you what you should not do if you want to meet and not waste time.

Think dating hasn't changed

Returning to the game after a long marriage is a problem even for the most experienced heart stealer. In your 40 years after a divorce, you want to go to a bar, have a party, or just catch the cute guy’s gaze when you sit in a diner. In fact, you work out full-time, then you sit with the child, and there is no time left for this. I needed a more efficient way to get acquainted, and then online services came to the rescue. But everything turned out only after I learned about a few clever tricks.

Use old photo for avatar

When I finally gathered my courage and felt that I was ready to go for it, I thought that naturalness was the best approach. I made a big mistake by quickly taking a picture on my phone and placing it on one popular dating site. The level of interest towards me was at zero: it was a big blow to my vanity, which at that time had become quite vulnerable. When I complained about this to a friend, she said that many women specifically ask for professionals for the avatar. Well, then it is no wonder why everyone looks so good there! You need to take this photo as a chance to make a first impression: put on your best dress and smile as attractively as possible.

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Stop your self-knowledge

When you are young and ready to build your future, it’s pretty easy to make a list of the very qualities of a handsome prince: he must be smart, attractive, romantic, with thick hair, rich ... But it’s absolutely wrong to assume that your 21 values ​​will be the same in 41 (especially thick hair). I met different guys, but once I caught myself on the question: “What am I looking for? How do I know him when I see him? What qualities in my partner I am looking for now? And how do they differ from what they used to be? ”Sibel Golden, a psychotherapist and art therapist in Seattle, said:“ Before you dive back into dating, take some time to get to know yourself again. Get your diary, learn how to meditate, show curiosity about your life, engage in introspection and understand where you are now. ”

Want to bring back the past

Divorce can deprive you of vitality. First, to spend the day in such a way that it never fails to break - this is a miracle. And this is the wrong time to find yourself a new love. After several unsuccessful attempts to prepare for the search for the very same, I realized that I was in a critical condition. I need time to fill all the emotions that I squandered: focus on work, daughter, friends and taking care of myself. Sibel Golden states: “Self-care can help you regain your self-esteem and restore values ​​that could be affected by the process of divorce, especially if it was a conflict. Think of it as a time for healing. Think of it as a chance to re-educate yourself, to learn self-analysis and the use of loneliness with benefit. ”

Follow obsolete beliefs

At that time, I had friends who also changed my profile pictures in the hope of coming together with “by doing so”. But they received only a few responses. This is because they made no effort on their own. They were guided by an outdated conviction that a man should take the first step, so they sat and waited for them to write. In those days, when I was still meeting guys, I was known for not being afraid to do this. This gave me a chance not only to expand my range of possibilities, but also did not allow me to be alone in my 20. I realized that you need to use the same approach for dating on the Internet. It turned out that popularity is growing, if you often take the initiative. And it makes no sense to be shy, because this is just the Internet. The more often you respond, the more they will become interested in you.

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Say “yes” too often

This strategy led me to an error. The first few weeks I felt awe inside when I saw that they were interested in me. I answered almost everyone who wrote to me. However, it took a lot of time, tired, and some of whom I met were, to say the least, eccentric. Over time, I began to limit my circle only to those guys who sound reasonably, calmly and know the spelling rules. The phrase “love waits” became my mantra, and the emphasis was on the word “waits”.

Tie yourself to one place

After a couple of months of searching and dating, I decided to expand the geography of the search. But instead of including the nearby big city in my search criteria, I focused my attention on common interests. For a long time I was fond of yoga and meditated. Therefore, I considered men of my age group who were interested in such practices. In the end, I met a man who was into meditation. He lived from me in 60 miles, in a city that I had never even heard of. When I replied to his message, I didn’t think about the practical aspects. I just liked his picture and his profile. Six years later, even in spite of worn tires on cars, we still meet and meditate together.

Make plans for your first date.

The boundless world of online dating awakens a fantasy: it always seems that the next man will be your dream man. At first it seemed to me amusing to make plans for the first dates. I live in the suburbs, but I go to the city to meet him in a restaurant, a bar, maybe even go to the zoo ... However, I quickly realized that this did not work. I also realized that you can correspond or talk on the phone as long as you like, but before a personal meeting it is impossible to understand whether there is any chemistry between you. With difficulty, but I learned not to make plans for my very first date.

Take it all to heart

Passed another year dating through the Internet. After each date I called my sister to tell how everything went. Sometimes it was necessary for me to cheer up, especially when the date did not go very well. For example, my companion began to sneeze at dinner and the question from him was whether I had cats at home. When I answered in the affirmative, he got up, leaving me with a bill for dinner alone. The key to healing was not to take everything personally and just try to have fun.

Sybel Golden recalls: “Despite the fact that you understand what values, what kind of lifestyle a person you are looking for, surely on dates you still don’t know what to expect. Try not to judge your companion or yourself too harshly. At this point, you do not have to decide whether you will be together or not. There is still much to be ... ".

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