The article has been automatically translated into English by Google Translate from Russian and has not been edited.

The right to die: the last 26 days of the life of a girl who decided to euthanize

'05.12.2020'

Source: Bird in flight

German woman Sandra Hoyn works with topics that are taboo for society. Her new project is about the 29-year-old girl Aurelia: she decided to die by euthanasia. Sandra Hoyne spent the last 26 days of her life with Aurelia and filmed them, says Bird in flight.

Photo: Shutterstock

Euthanasia is the voluntary withdrawal of a person from life with medical assistance. It is resorted to by patients with unbearable physical or mental suffering and without the slightest chance of recovery. Today euthanasia is legalized in several European countries, including the Netherlands, Belgium, Luxembourg, Switzerland, Germany, as well as Canada, Israel, one state of Australia, eight states of the United States and Colombia.

It is important to say that euthanasia is passive (refusal of a sick patient or his loved ones from artificial support of life) and active (the patient receives a lethal injection). One type of active euthanasia is assisted suicide (PAS). The difference is that in assisted suicide, the lethal injection is not given by the doctor, but by the patient himself.

Euthanasia is allowed only for terminally ill people who are conscious and have repeatedly voluntarily expressed a desire to die in this way. The word "suicide" is often opposed by advocates of euthanasia - in their opinion, it is not suicide, but the right to die with dignity.

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The Netherlands were the first to legalize euthanasia in the world. In 1984, the Dutch Supreme Court declared it admissible, and since 2002, the country has had a law on euthanasia. In October 2020, the Netherlands also legalized euthanasia for seriously ill children between the ages of one and twelve. Previously, it was only allowed for children over the age of twelve or younger. At the same time, foreigners can undergo euthanasia only in one country - Switzerland, which is already called the center of "suicide tourism".

Supporters of euthanasia consider it a legitimate human right to a dignified death when his suffering is unbearable, and there is no chance of recovery.

German photographer Sandra Heun explains how she decided to embark on this daring project. Next - from the first person.

I started this project in July 2017. In a group on Facebook, I met both terminally ill people and those who are fighting for the legalization of euthanasia. By the way, both of these categories are equally important to me, I do not even separate them. I decided to reveal the topic of euthanasia through the personal history of Aurelia.

Screenshot: Adrian Cervantes / YouTube

Euthanasia is the deliberate termination of life in order to alleviate the suffering of a sick person. Special drugs allow you to calmly and peacefully end your life. Otherwise, a person may face death full of humiliation, pain and suffering. Each country has its own laws on euthanasia. I know this is a delicate topic, but it needs to be discussed. With the help of the 26 Days project, I want to focus attention on it and involve the audience in the discussion.

To begin with, I conducted research to learn more and get closer to terminally ill people who will allow me to photograph themselves at the decision-making stage and until they are euthanized. Before I met Aurelia, I didn’t even know that euthanasia is possible for mentally ill patients.

Aurelia had several chronic conditions, as well as borderline personality disorder, depression, anxiety disorder, and eating disorder. When she had seizures, she could insert broken glass into her body, extinguish cigarettes with her hands, and spray deodorant in her eyes. Since the age of 21, she tried several times to commit suicide and more than once said that a monster lives in her head, which drives hundreds of blades into her. For many years, Aurelia struggled with her illnesses and underwent the necessary therapy. But the treatment did not bring any results.

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Nevertheless, Aurelia was very active on social media, advocated euthanasia for mentally ill people and wanted to tell her story, hoping for a greater understanding of the importance of euthanasia for such patients from the community. And although in the Netherlands, mentally ill people can count on legal euthanasia, in practice it is still very difficult to achieve it.

I immediately told Aurelia that I would like to visit her and document the last weeks of her life. Of course, I was surprised at how quickly she agreed. At first I was a little worried that such a quick agreement could be due to her illness and the fact that she was not fully aware that I really wanted to spend the last weeks of her life with her. We immediately agreed that if we didn’t like each other, we would cancel all agreements at any time.

Screenshot: Adrian Cervantes / YouTube

Aurelia often thought of her mother, who died exactly one year before the girl was to undergo euthanasia. She said that her mother's death had no effect on her desire to die. Aurelia's parents had known for a long time about their daughter's intention to end her life and did not want her to feel guilty about it. The desire to undergo euthanasia was perhaps the strongest in her life, and, of course, they did not like it. But Aurelia said that they allowed her to end her life with dignity. She felt calmer because her father would no longer be afraid to see policemen on the threshold of his house with the news of her daughter's suicide.

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I had no doubts about the project, but certainly I felt responsible for where and how it would be published. In the media, information about suicides is reported only in individual cases. For a good reason - to prevent other suicides. The context is very important here, otherwise people can easily misunderstand this situation. For example, if images and quotes of Aurelia are given without her full story.

While filming the project, I lived in Aurelia's apartment and slept on the sofa in her living room. On some days we were together 24 hours, on others she had less time as she was busy preparing her funeral. It happened that she sat at the computer a lot or met with journalists.

Aurelia did not want to die at all, she really wanted to live, but she simply did not find a way to do it. Until the last day it seemed that it was all somewhere far away. It was difficult for me to accept her desire. Depression is a subjective emotion, and of course all feelings are subjective too. This is only your life and only your pain. Nobody else can feel it.

On the eve of the day of her death, she invited her best friends to a home dinner to say goodbye. It was more like a birthday party, everyone was laughing, chatting and joking a lot. When the guests left, Aurelia took sleeping pills and fell asleep on the sofa in the living room.

Screenshot: Adrian Cervantes / YouTube

Her friend and I stayed overnight to look after her. The next morning, paramedics arrived and prepared her vein for injection - in case the patient vomits after taking the drug (sometimes the body reacts like that) and she decides to give herself an injection. This was the moment when I finally realized that Aurelia would die very soon.

“I know how to love and have fun, but I cannot live. I love music, I love spending time with my friends, I enjoy my hobbies. And then people mistakenly think that if I can still enjoy life, then I can live, I just really want to. But that's not true, ”said Aurelia.

Sometimes I found it difficult to cope with her changing mood. Especially when she hurt herself. One day Aurelia told me: “Sandra, I want to hurt myself. You can stay in the living room or go out and not see it. Just don't try to stop me. "

Screenshot: Adrian Cervantes / YouTube

I stayed in the room with her. This time she slowly put out the cigarettes on her hand. It was scary just to watch and not be able to stop her or help in any way.

Every day I was afraid that today she would not leave the bedroom, because at night she took her own life. During the second week, it was really bad, she was losing patience, and it became increasingly difficult for her to wait for the day of euthanasia. One morning she said that she was grateful to me for being there, otherwise she would have tried to commit suicide again.

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My project shows a girl who chose the path of euthanasia, but it cannot be said that it popularizes euthanasia. I have already received many letters, but they were all positive. Opponents of euthanasia still haven't written to me. And yes, my project does not romanticize euthanasia. Like Aurelia herself, she did not romanticize her. This story should not advertise death as the only right decision.

A dignified death is what Aurelia wanted. I think this is the life of another person, his pain and decision. The reasons are always individual and quite personal. We just need to respect them. It is a pity that in many countries there are no adequate laws on euthanasia, and if they do exist, it is not for mentally ill people.

I know that it can be difficult for healthy people to realize this. And including me. I think that after spending the last weeks with Aurelia, I began to understand her much more. But no one can fully feel the pain of another.

In the case of Aurelia, it was a very balanced decision, and she fought for her right to die this way for eight whole years. Aurelia described her illness as invisible cancer. And I was surprised that people with cancer have the right to euthanasia, and for those with a severe mental illness, it is much more difficult to obtain permission for euthanasia.

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In the Netherlands, people with mental illness are allowed to resort to euthanasia on very rare occasions. The difficulty is also in the fact that for mentally ill patients it is necessary to exclude the spontaneity of the decision. Doctors need to be sure that a person with a mental disorder approaches this consciously and that this is not a momentary outbreak.

In 2012, Aurelia was denied euthanasia because at that time she had not yet tried all the methods of treatment. She talked to doctors and psychologists, filled out many questionnaires and made medical records. And only on December 31, 2017, she received a call from the clinic and confirmed her right to euthanasia. The doctors were convinced that the treatment did not work.

There is a big difference between suicide and euthanasia. But the question is complex. If I talk about this difference, it will look like I advocate euthanasia. Suicide often occurs as a result of some kind of flash of consciousness, this is a very spontaneous decision. In addition, suicide is inconvenient for other people (depending on the method). Think about it - your death can always have unwitting witnesses. The corpse can be found by the train conductor or members of the volunteer fire department, who will have to collect pieces of the body from the asphalt, and people who just walk by a high-rise building can also be involuntarily involved in someone else's death.

Aurelia said that the last thing she wanted was for people to kill themselves. She truly wished that those who truly intend to commit suicide due to intense suffering would have a chance to die with dignity and the support of a doctor. Not alone, not due to an overdose, not jumping under a train, not jumping from a high-rise building. And at home, in your bed, surrounded by loved ones and, most importantly, with dignity.

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By filming this project, I wanted to understand Aurelia's pain, her suffering. In general, I think that photographers need to take care of those they shoot, feel people and empathize with them. At the same time, you must not forget that this is a job and therefore it is important to find the right emotional distance. It was a very stressful few weeks during which we laughed and cried so much with the heroine together.

After the project ended, I felt very exhausted. I suddenly realized that I needed to take more care of myself when I cover stories like this. Aurelia's voice is often heard in the film, shot as part of the 26 Days project, which is still hard for me to hear. I miss her. After the death of Aurelia, I could not start editing the footage for a month.

I believe that photographers need to take care of the people they are shooting, to feel people and empathize with them. But don't forget that this is work.

Aurelia was angry with people who oppose euthanasia because of their religious beliefs. She considered herself an evangelist and was sure that God loved her. Here are her words: “Everyone understands the Bible in their own way. Is the ban on euthanasia about the love of God? These people say that I will go to hell if I go to euthanize. I don't believe in hell after death, it just doesn't exist. I believe that God will take me into His arms. Hell for me is life on earth. "

When she announced on Facebook that she would soon go to her deceased mother, some wrote to her that she was not going to her mother, but to the devil. And Aurelia sincerely did not understand why these people were so angry if they considered themselves religious. I think it is high time for the church to reconsider many of its views.

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Aurelia gave me permission to photograph her during the euthanasia. But I decided not to do this, not to film the moment of her death. I was just by her side as her friend. I cannot accurately describe what I thought and experienced at that moment. Of course, I was sad, I felt exhausted, but at the same time I was calm because everything went well, that after taking the medicine she did not vomit, that she left quietly and peacefully.

During filming, I worked to my limit. For the first time I accompanied someone until my death. And it was definitely a strong emotional experience.

“There is a monster in my head that sticks a hundred knives into me. I struggle 24 hours a day to keep from getting hurt. In order not to hurt yourself. I only think about when it will end! ”- said the girl.

While legal euthanasia for mentally ill patients is possible in the Netherlands, it is difficult to obtain permission for it. Through social media and her own blog, Aurelia fought for euthanasia for mentally ill patients whose suffering is unbearable. She considered it the main business of her life in her last weeks.

Aurelia lay on the kitchen floor after spraying deodorant in her eyes.

“After I hurt myself, I feel less physical pain. So I'm hurting myself more and more. What you see is no longer Aurelia. It's not me. It's just my illness! ”, The girl explained her act.

“I want to die for 8 years now. January 26th will be my day! #Finallypeace, ”she wrote on her blog a few days before her death.

Aurelia wasn't always sad.

“Sometimes I know how to love and have fun, but I cannot live without pain. I still love music, spending time with friends, enjoying my hobbies. People think that if I can still enjoy, then I can also live if I just want to. But this is not true. I do not live, I survive! I don't want to hurt people with my story. But I want to break the taboo on this and I want people to try to understand. Mentally healthy people have no idea about my mental pain. My illness is no different from any physical illness. I am overrated, there is no more hope. I want to end my suffering, I just want to die with dignity, ”Aurelia said frankly.

She wore a Do Not Reanimate pendant chain. But medical rescuers don't care about such a pendant.

“Do you know what they tell me first when I regain consciousness? “You are a happy girl, you survived,” she shared.

Aurelia went out at night.

“I go somewhere to clear my mind, but I can easily get lost. When I am in a dissociative state, I am confused and do not know how to get home. Then I go to bed somewhere until people call the police to take me home, ”she said.

She had trouble sleeping. Sometimes she did not sleep for two days or more. And when she slept, she had nightmares. She usually hurt herself at night.

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You can see photographs of Aurelia in Sandra Hoyne's project at Photographer's Instagram account.

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