Under the celery constellation: what a torment to live with a vegetarian
'11.04.2018'
Source: Kolya Sulima, knife.media
The American fashion for green drinks, vegetarianism and veganism penetrates the minds of newcomers almost faster than English. It seems that with the receipt of the green card (or in anticipation of it), some at the moment become “green” themselves. But what if your family is not ready to put up with it? A blogger told about how a man suffers before bringing a piece of meat into the house. Kolya Sulima.
I tried to cheat for the first and last time. Svetlana was on the second floor, and on the first floor I decided - I would fry myself a couple of eggs. Only the hood will turn on more feasibly, perhaps, nothing will smell. Thirty seconds after the oil heated up and I smashed the eggs in the pan, Svetlana came running down. Smiling with one mouth, she said: “I asked for no meat in my house!”. After this episode, my credibility was undermined forever. From now on, I could only cook myself outside, on the grill, each time igniting a brazier. Everything cooked had to be eaten immediately, because it was impossible to keep meat in the fridge - the smell of dead animals brought Svetlana out of harmony with the world.
Svetlana, my wife's sister, generally smiled with difficulty. Much better she managed frowned eyebrows and eyes scattering green lightning. "He stank! - she told me about her Canadian husband named Stephen, - She will come home after her conferences, steak houses and whiskey, get into bed and stink of it all. And I just after detoxification, I can smell everything for ten meters. How nauseous I was! Stephen listened, nodding like a gelding at a wedding. He also had to go through detoxification once and forever erase the word "steak" from memory.
The house always smelled of homemade chips made from seeds, greens and seedlings, which Svetlana produced in industrial quantities and dried in a dehydrator - a box that looked like a microwave oven, which drove hot air through its gut. At the same time, Svetlana added some healing ingredient to the chips, which made them inedible for everyone except her. She was very upset by the growing stocks of chips, but since no one dared to take the liberty to confess, they all chewed stoically, smiling like a prisoner on a scaffold.
The juicer cost 500 dollars and could, if desired, produce juice from granite gravestones. Every morning began with the fact that the hellish car in the kitchen began to howl like a wounded hippo.
I watched this hyperboloid destroy celery, bananas, oranges and mangoes. Then lemons, parsley, agave syrup and a couple of tablespoons of chlorella fell in, which instantly made the mixture look like a swamp color. Chlorella also beautifully stained teeth. Since Svetlana was deprived of prejudices, she loved to go out to guests with a glass of smoothie, flaunting a smile from the film “Zombieland”.
I do not know at what point in life and why Svetlana crossed this watershed.
Before the move, they lived in their own apartment in Manhattan, thoughtfully studied the dry red wines and the nightlife of New York. This went on for about two years, and then Stephen was invited to work in Northern California, and there the celestial and parsley constellations suddenly appeared over Svetlana's head.
I first met both of them when they arrived in Minsk for tourist purposes. Svetlana brought with her a roomy bag, similar to Wasserman's vest, full of jars and bags. There were vitamins, dietary supplements, probiotics for digestion, powdered chlorella, natural antibiotics, immunomodulators, seeds, nuts and sugar-free chocolate. All that was missing was a revolver with silver bullets and an aspen stake.
The bag weighed five pounds. First of all, Svetlana went to the Komarovsky market for vegetables and returned from there in thoughtful times, carrying three cabbages and parsley. “There is no food,” she said. - One poison. And she began to chew on the problem of raw food chips from a treasured bag. In a couple of days I could already predict the development of any conversation with her - organic food, the horrors of slaughterhouses, the victory over cancer with the methods of raw food. Devilishly laughing, Svetlana ran out into the yard in a bathing suit and took snow baths, scaring the frozen sparrows.
I personally got into circulation because of my hypochondria. When I suddenly had one chronic sore, I unmistakably realized that I was dying. I did not have medical insurance, and I became easy prey for demons. The typical mistake of all neurasthenics is to look for a diagnosis on the Internet. Worse than this can only be a reception at the Zulu shaman. The more I read, the more I felt a graveyard cold on my forehead. Svetlana's sermons suddenly shone with a saving light.
Raw food cooking is no worse than alchemy. Ordinary inhabitants, we live surrounded by poisons, not realizing that we are rapidly moving towards the grave. Vegan religion says that any of the dangerous animal ingredients in our diet can be replaced with nutritious, plant-based ingredients. The trouble is, replacing one meat requires a combination of five products, each of which can cost more than the meat itself in an organic food store. Milk is made from almonds, and its cost is close to single malt whiskey. Food has to be coddled like with a rickety baby: you can't overheat, important nutrients will decay, and this cold… nude is impossible to eat. Everything has to be calculated per unit of your weight.
The calculator becomes the same element of kitchen utensils, just like the skimmer - you constantly calculate, did you consume enough proteins and carbohydrates today? Well, how will scurvy begin?
The vegetarian food industry is huge. The tofu bean curd is masked as meat, yielding weird things like fake fried bacon and chicken breasts. It looks like meat, it tastes paper. Every real vegan in his spare time cooking can read lectures, this is the sum of his knowledge in the field of digestion and metabolism. The consumption of pasta from the point of view of metabolism is similar to the consumption of pure sugar. Kinwa is richer in protein than beef, there is more sugar in a yellow potato than in red, and in bread there are fourteen opiates and it is impossible to peel from it. When in the States they start to open rehabilitation clinics for bread victims, I will not even lead an eyebrow.
Some kind of bloodbath in the house of death, by golly, not life. You listen to it, you nod, and then you see grilled beef in the menu and you realize that you throw it in your mouth ..., and the music Coldplay so sad, because Chris Martin has been eating tofu for ten years.
Detoxification of the body is the only analogue of the time machine today. For the first week, I was hopelessly covered in acne and I returned to the days of my long-forgotten puberty. The stool in the toilet did not have time to cool down, since I sat on it five times a day. Toilet paper dispersed at a rate of half a roll per day. Food flew through the body for half an hour and was ready - I am hungry again! It was possible to begin manipulations with salads again. An empty stomach made me carry around on myself a stock of dried fruits and nuts, like f ... fresh protein from the Ice Age.
But the worst thing is the constant thirst for meat. I could smell meat for miles, not worse than a bear-rod, trying to convince myself that this is only a natural reaction of the body, and that this will pass once. In three months I lost five kilograms, and my pants began to fall from my skinny asshole, like leaves from trees in November. From an excess of energy threw it in the heat, then in the cold. Periods of high spirits alternated with deep sentimentality.
I survived half a year. Once I burst into tears in a movie theater watching a movie “The King’s Speech” and I understood - well, that's enough.
I regained chicken eggs and fish. I learned how to prepare five kinds of omelet and tried all possible seafood from my favorite deli. So another year passed until I finally realized that the enlightened path of pesketarianism was not for me either.
Hours spent in the gym, did not bring a single gram of extra muscle mass, no matter how many eggs and chlorella I wore out. Advertising burgers in the windows of cheap cafes continued to cause unrestrained salivation.
So one clear September day I went to the store and came back from there with a bottle of Pinot, an onion and a ten-dollar steak. I grilled steak with onions, drank a bottle of red and smoked a cigarette, looking at the Californian stars. They shone like the eyes of a cow I just ate. It seems, I thought, the prospect of living for five years more in a comfortable wheelchair does not appeal to me too much.
Over the past few years, green juices have become a fashionable attribute for all who adhere to a healthy lifestyle, as well as for fitness enthusiasts. But are these juices useful? Chimelt "How we are deceived by selling green juices, and how to find really healthy juices in the USA ”
