The article has been automatically translated into English by Google Translate from Russian and has not been edited.

Why do people post photos of their dead children and why they should not be blamed for it

'08.10.2020'

Source: Woman.ru

Sometimes celebrities share with followers not only joyful, but also tragic moments of life, which many seem to simply be unacceptable for public discussion. For example, in recent years, pictures of stellar parents with dead children in their arms have been discussed especially sharply on the Web. What does the psychologist think about it - says Woman.ru.

Photo: Shutterstock

At the end of September, top model Chrissy Teigen announced that she and husband John Legend lost a child... During quarantine, the 34-year-old star became pregnant. The spouses considered it a gift from above - after all, they used to undergo many reproductive procedures for years in order to give birth to a son and daughter.

Chrissy actively shared the details of her situation and did not hide that her health was far from ideal. The fact is that because of the thin placenta, Teigen regularly had bleeding, increasing the risk of miscarriage.

The model spent about a month in bed to exclude the development of complications. However, this did not help and she required medical procedures and blood transfusions. Alas, all these measures under the supervision of professionals in one of the best hospitals in Los Angeles did not help save the child.

At about the second trimester of her pregnancy, Chrissy had to induce an artificial birth. Next to the star was her husband, as well as her mother. All of them were holding an inanimate baby in their arms - after all, so many plans had already been built with his participation.

“We never chose names for children in advance, right up to discharge from the hospital. This time, we immediately started calling this little man in my belly Jack. He will remain Jack for us. Jack tried so hard to be part of our family. And he will stay with us forever, ”the inconsolable Teigen wrote in her social networks, accompanying the post with pictures of her dead son.

Photo: chrissyteigen / Instagram

It seems that the audience would definitely support the inconsolable mother if it were not for these photos. To many on the Web, they seemed shocking, frightening, unnecessary.

Internet users have decided that true suffering doesn't involve creating social media content for a multi-million dollar audience. Probably, if not for the support of numerous stellar friends and fans, Teigen's blog drowned in negative comments ...

From Ukraine with love and pain

In 2018, the Ukrainian model Yana Yanovskaya was literally anathematized for such an act on the Web. The expectant mother was in the last weeks of pregnancy and was vacationing with her husband and daughter in the Maldives when she found out that the heart of her second child was no longer beating. Local doctors immediately recommended calling an artificial birth, but Yana was afraid to trust unfamiliar surgeons in a foreign country.

Until the end of the vacation, Yanovskaya and her husband tried to remain calm so as not to frighten their daughter and hundreds of thousands of their subscribers. And upon returning to Kiev, the model immediately went to the hospital to induce an artificial birth - and soon showed a photo with her dead son.

“I became the mother of our heavenly boy, the hero Sashka. It is rainy and gray in Kiev, drizzling rain. Like in the Maldives that day. I see a lot of families, I smile. This is happiness. I thank the kid for making us happy, and I believe that the bunny protects us, ”Yana wrote in social networks.

Photo: youryani / Instagram

Yanovskaya tried not to pay attention to the hate. Instead, over the course of several weeks, she detailed the incident from all angles, seeing it as a special mission.

“Every day I read comments with tears, pain and a smile. I understand that my Sasha Jr. helped a huge number of people. See how many girls and women pulled out of themselves the pain that they kept inside for a long time. How many of them have changed their attitude to such situations, ”the young woman wrote.

British history

Young spouses from England Charlotte and Atilla Shakax explained their actions in a similar way. At the end of 2016, they had a daughter, Evelyn.

Alas, due to a rare genetic mutation, the girl could not breathe on her own. Despite the doctors' attempts to save her, the girl died a few weeks later.

To alleviate the condition of young parents, doctors allowed them to leave the dead child for a while in a special hospital box with a cooling function. So the couple had the opportunity not to immediately bury their daughter, but also to come to terms with what had happened in a mode acceptable to them.

In total, Charlotte and Attila spent 12 days next to the girl's body. In addition, they took a lot of photos as a souvenir - and also arranged walks with the baby, dressing her up and putting her in a brand new stroller ...

On the subject: 'One family - one child': what the famous Chinese experiment led to

The Shakaxes did not hesitate to talk about their farewell to their daughter in social networks. They said that by doing so they want to urge other parents not to try to quickly erase the dramatic experience from memory.

“So many parents have never heard that they can spend time with their children like this, and for many it really helps to cope with grief. During the first month of her life, Evelyn was constantly in the life support apparatus, and I really could not hold her in my arms. At least after death, I was able to do this and feel like a mother, ”explained Charlotte.

Expert look

Of course, such situations are difficult to consider commonplace. Especially in our country, where the culture of frank expression of feelings is still not sufficiently developed. But no matter how we relate to this, we should not condemn parents who are already unbearably difficult, says perinatal psychologist Alina Nikiforova.

“The fact that the sad stories of these couples are made public is neither good nor bad. Rather, it is an emotional response to the pain, resentment, and extreme frustration that parents experience when they lose a pregnancy or a baby shortly after birth. The topic of perinatal loss is gradually moving from the category of taboo to the category of important situations in which women need professional help and safer living conditions for the loss. Still, usually this is an event that no one expects: even if there are problems during pregnancy, then everyone hopes for a successful outcome, ”the expert explains.

According to Alina, the United States and the European Union have long had special protocols for helping parents of stillborn children, so these countries are more tolerant of such situations in public space. In Russia, unfortunately, this problem is not yet given so much attention.

“Additional support is very important for such couples. If desired, parents are allowed to just look, support the baby in their arms and say goodbye to him. Of course, one can hear very contradictory opinions on this score. But numerous studies show that seeing and seeing a stillborn baby is safe for parents' mental well-being. On the contrary: it confirms the fact of loss and promotes the launch of the necessary mental work for living the tragedy. Sometimes mothers do not look and after that they draw more terrifying plots and images in fantasy. And sometimes, with the passage of time, women simply begin to regret that they once did not look at their children, ”the specialist explains.

What does it give?

In fact, the farewell ceremony for the dead child helps to close not only this loss, but also to alleviate the condition in the future, when the couple again thinks about having offspring.

“It is customary for us to say even to those close to us:“ Try to forget it as soon as possible, ”without trying to talk about the problem. But if the so-called `` inner work of grief '' is not done, it will not be possible to start something new. Most likely, the future pregnancy will be weighed down by past traumatic experiences. In this case, a vicious circle turns out, from which it is very difficult to get out - even with the help of specialists ”, - Alina Nikiforova is sure.

Anyway, it is impossible to simply forget about what happened, the expert is convinced. According to experts, emotional recovery after unsuccessful childbirth will take at least a year - and then in a situation of professional help.

“We are complex: our body and psyche are closely linked. Evolutionarily, nature is so conceived that in order to preserve and successfully develop, a woman invests in her unborn child not only her body (home for the child) but also emotions, expectations, plans, dreams. It is impossible to say goodbye to this in an instant. The deceased baby becomes a part of us, although we may not even be aware of it, ”explains the psychologist.

Criticism = fear

Alina Nikiforova urges not to feel indignation and anger when faced with photographs of celebrities with dead children in their arms - this is also a way to live out your tragedy.

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Unlike all of us, bloggers and celebs are accustomed to showing their every step, and for them this is a certain version of the norm that saves in the hardest moment.

“In general, the negative reaction to such content means only our fear of it. We are afraid to think about such things - and even more so to remember our own negative experiences. In general, there is no culture of compassion on the Internet, no matter which country we are talking about. People resist stories that require them to show attention, support and waste mental resources, ”says the psychologist.

Probably the most competent decision in such a situation would be to either support the inconsolable parents, or just silently pass by their manifestation of their grief. Negativity will not help anyone - and even less so, it will not fence off those who show negativity from thoughts about this tragedy.

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