The article has been automatically translated into English by Google Translate from Russian and has not been edited.

“Why is your baby without a hat?”: How can mom respond to unsolicited advice and comments

'28.10.2019'

Psychologist Anastasia Rubtsova wrote for the project Children Mail.ru instructions on how to respond to tactless questions and unsolicited advice from others (which so often give mothers little children!) and told why they sometimes hurt us like that.

Young mothers attract counselors like sweet nasturtium flowers. Oh, this is an amazing phenomenon. Before the birth of a child, a woman can live a large chunk of personal and professional life, never having received as much advice as she will receive by becoming a mother. From the most unexpected people, to the most unexpected topics.

Tips begin to pour in the first trimester of pregnancy - from friends and strangers. And do not end there. As a rule, without any request.

“You need to focus less on yourself and do more on the baby.” “It’s not a shame why your child is so screaming!” “What does your girl have with legs? She needs a massage with body wraps. ” "How can you drive a boy without a hat, in such weather without a hat in no case." And so on.

The tips are annoying. Often they are so furious that a young mother begins to suspect herself of "inadequacy."

And in vain, as we will see later.

Sometimes there is a temptation to plunge into the analysis of reasons, to start dividing advisers into “wishing well” and “accusing”, “educated” and “ill-educated”, competent and illiterate. But studying all kinds of tigers will not help us escape from the tiger. The ability to run fast will help.

In the case of unsolicited advice, the recipe, strangely enough, is the same.

First run away and hide if possible. This item is usually frivolously missed, or even angrily answered: “Why should I run away ?! Let them run away! ” Oh you shouldn't. You can even try to "besiege", "pull" and "defend personal boundaries." But often, any attempts to put the adviser in place and stop its outpourings lead to the opposite effect - the conflict unwinds, it passes from the plane of the implicit into the explicit.

We did not argue the adviser - moreover, he sincerely does not understand what is wrong with his advice. But the young mother lost her temper, although this was not planned at all. And he receives an additional portion of the insulted “Yes, I wish you well”, “why are you reacting so inadequately”.

At a very deep level of the psyche, where we are all more pack animals than civilized people, uninvited advice feels like an aggressive intrusion. Like an attempt to seize power from us over our life and the life of a child.

But nature provided the young mother with a special cocktail of hormones - it includes an aggressive reaction to everything that we recognize as a “threat” to the baby. And already the fact that we do not clutch our teeth to unsolicited advisers and do not hiss at them is our great achievement. Because we are still civilized people!

On the subject: 'But he looks normal': what can and cannot be said to the mother of a special child

As soon as the adviser opened his mouth, we already lost because we were unbalanced. And at each next step, the loss will increase. Therefore, we are running.

Not necessarily literally.

With strangers - a grandmother on the playground, a neighbor in the queue in the clinic - you can physically move away. Usually 3-5 steps is a gap sufficient for another person to shut up. The brain already reads this as a distance inconvenient for conversation. If the adviser follows - gently, without jerking, we are removed yet.

With acquaintances - a mother, girlfriend or neighbor in the country - the escape may look different. Suddenly turn away the whole body. A couple of times absent-mindedly answer out of place. Leave the room for some important business. If it is impossible to get out, a convenient method is to look at the person you are talking to, but not in the eye, but at the point between the eyebrows. Under such a defocused gaze, a person very quickly becomes uncomfortable, and he either shuts up embarrassedly or starts to behave aggressively.

We can set off both for victory! Now it’s our turn to say: “Oh, why are you reacting so inadequately, just look at yourself!” Now we are forwards, and our interlocutor is forced to defend the gates. But it was just the opposite.

When we escaped, the next step is to restore something like peace of mind.
Relax your muscles, especially your shoulders and neck. Introduce yourself in a house in a safe place.
Check if the scratches from the board are deep, if they haven’t hit any really painful place.
Blow on this place.

Some conflict analysts believe that unsolicited advice is always a manifestation of the struggle for hierarchy. Echoes of our "flocking" behavior inherited from distant ancestors.

A woman with a small child is vulnerable, she often doubts herself and everything. She only gets used to the maternal role - which means she is in crisis. She, after all, suffers from lack of sleep and physical fatigue. And therefore, it may seem an easy sacrifice to those who themselves do not feel well done in society. And I would not refuse to step up a notch in the hierarchy.

Of course, all this is played out besides consciousness, and the adviser is terribly offended when he heard such things about himself! But this theory confirms a lot of things.

For example, they almost do not crawl with advice to women who are accompanied by a man (therefore, it is so convenient to take a husband or dad with you to a children's clinic, or send them to a playground). And much less advice is given to experienced mothers of two or three children. After all, they no longer look so confused and insecure. Jump on them!

So, remember - a person climbing with unsolicited comments wants to look great. At least in my own eyes, and it would be better in ours.