The article has been automatically translated into English by Google Translate from Russian and has not been edited.

Opinion: why you shouldn't be your daughter's best friend


Source: Rambler

If you proudly say, “My daughter and I are BFFs!” and you really are, then it’s possible that you need to rethink your approach to parenting. “Friendship” with the mother can become a source of serious psychological and life problems for the girl.

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Of course, each individual family is unique. However, there are typical maternal mistakes that have a devastating effect on the psychology of girls, in whatever families they are brought up, writes Rambler.

Why shouldn't you build your relationship with your daughter on the principle of "we are best friends"? Our permanent expert Olga Romaniv, a psychologist, matchmaker, writer, founder and head of the Classics of Relations dating club, explains.

Reason No. 1. Distortion of views on the family

Authority is possible when a hierarchy is observed between the more experienced (mother) and the less experienced (daughter). Then respect and acceptance of the mother's point of view is maintained, regardless of whether the girl herself shares it.

Acceptance and submission are not the same thing - just like authority and power. In friendly relations, hierarchy is impossible by definition. And the hierarchy in the family is necessary, and it should be based on the acceptance of authority, and not on submission to authority. Unfortunately, some mothers, faced with the fact that the daughter-girlfriend does not want to accept the mother's opinion, try to subjugate her.

The situation when a girl is friends with her mother and at the same time communicates with her father as a parent distorts the foundations of the family system as a whole. The child will never be able to understand that the family is a unity of people, headed by two: wife and husband (mother and father). The situation is even worse when a conspiratorial relationship and friendship “against” the father are formed between mother and daughter. In this case, the daughter's idea of ​​​​the relationship between a man and a woman in a family union is deformed.

Reason No. 2. Competition

Competition is inevitable in equal relations. You can see how often girls compare themselves with friends, starting with the wardrobe and ending with hobbies and even success with the opposite sex. And that's fine! This means that the process of socialization is proceeding on its own.

But the task of the mother is to accept her child as he is. It is due to this that the girl develops a positive self-esteem and an attitude towards success. In a mother-daughter relationship, it is the mother who provokes the desire to compete.

Some mothers consider themselves to be equal to their daughter, despite the difference in age and belonging to another generation. This is expressed, for example, in the teenage wardrobe, slang speech, the desire to look much younger than his years. In other cases, the mother can artificially “age” a teenage girl. My daughter will have to grow up prematurely to become a “suitable” girlfriend. This often leads to envy and jealousy, most often from the mother.

Reason No. 3. Lack of maternal care

Even Bert Hellinger, a German psychotherapist and the developer of the psychotherapeutic method of family constellations, said that the energy must go from the top down, that is, from the older family members to the younger ones. To visualize, imagine a tree and remember that ancestors are often called our roots. That roots nourish the crown, and not vice versa. Trying to catch up in the position and exchange of energy with your daughter, you are depriving her of childhood.

Especially often, mothers strive to make their daughters the best girlfriends during and after a divorce from her husband. But remember: by exchanging your experiences, problems and difficulties with her, you yourself move to the lower position of the family hierarchy and forcibly force your daughter to grow up.

Problems will affect any adult to one degree or another, so let your daughter enjoy her age. By the way, back to our tree. Its crown, hiding the roots from the scorching sun or rain, creates a kind of roof. With the right arrangement of positions in the “mother-daughter” relationship, the latter, having matured, will become for the mother that very crown, protecting and reliable. In the meantime, it is you who play the role of the crown.

Reason No. 4. Difference of mentalities

Mother and daughter share generation. Well, when mom is modern enough to perceive the trends of the present. Nevertheless, past experience will remind of itself. And this is an undeniable advantage for the mother.

Mom has access to different views and points of view (if she allows innovations in her life), which is not entirely clear to her daughter.

They will always think in different categories, the mixing of which is self-deception.

Reason No. 5. Obstacle to growing up daughter

This is inevitable: your beloved child will break out of the family nest and eventually soviet his.

A growing daughter needs to separate and gain her own experience in order to also share it with her children. And answer honestly, dear mothers: the desire to be friends with your daughter does not give out a subconscious desire to keep her? Do you want to be always on the rights of the best girlfriend and be in control?

After all, girlfriends are jealous of the secrets of each other, may be offended if some news has passed by. But to have secrets from parents is one of the signs of separation, separation of one’s inner world from the collective world of the family system. And this happens in favor of personal formation, development, and individuality. Whatever the mother’s relationship with her daughter, remember that the main task of the girl is to develop, to gain independence, to gain personal experience.

Under the guise of friendship, there is often a maternal desire to interfere in the privacy of her daughter or constantly share with her too intimate problems of her life. And in such situations, your daughter does not even have the moral right to be indignant, to defend personal boundaries and independence - you are friends!

So in order to preserve the healthy psyche of the daughter, let everyone remain in his place.

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