The article has been automatically translated into English by Google Translate from Russian and has not been edited.

Why do you have to stop making excuses

Sergey Evelev

writer, TV and radio host


We think about it. The original word is true, right? That is, I wanted to do what I thought was right, fair and reasonable. Did you plan to harm anyone on purpose? So? Well, if so, what does the justification have to do with it?

Фото: Depositphotos

And here's what. Perhaps it didn't work out well, not as planned. Someone has been harmed. Unintentionally. Or no harm, but it seemed to her / him / them that what I had done was wrong, unreasonable, wrong, stupid, stupid, idiotic, and in general, in vain. Someone thought that they could have done better, differently, or not at all. So what? And nothing. They - have every right to their opinion and no one takes this right away from them.

This is their truth. They think so. They see it that way. They want it so much. Wonderful. I am for. But what does it have to do with me, how they see the world, themselves in it, me in it? This is not my truth, not my vision of the world.

And here there is no logic, established norms, unshakable rules and dogmas. These dogmas are destroyed every day. What seemed reasonable fifty years ago is unacceptable today (mini-skirts in Iran, for example). Who is right? Everything. Why? Because everyone acts in accordance with his, the most correct truth, since everyone has it. Therefore, wear your health norm or skirt if you are not stoned for it and put in jail.

So it means that we have an excuse? If you are accidentally abused, apologize. Say: he did what seemed right, he didn’t want any problems, so it happened. This is not an excuse, this is an apology.

Justification (an attempt to prove the truth) begins where you accepted the blame and try to explain your actions as the only correct one at that moment. The task is difficult and, for the most part, pointless. As one wise guy said: if you need to explain, then you don't need to explain ...

And who can make you take the blame on yourself? Nobody can. You do it yourself. And this is bad. This is poison. You admit guilt where it is usually not. You really wanted the best? No matter for whom, for yourself or for her. Wanted as better, but failed. Who is guilty? Not you. After all, if you knew that it would turn out badly, you would not do it, right? Well, that's right. It means an error. So don't take the blame for yourself. She is not yours. This habit is pernicious and will not bring you to good.

So. Where have we come to? We have come to the conclusion that everyone decides for himself where he is, with whom and what? And every time (in large and small), when we try to defend ourselves and explain our actions to clarify the situation, we only worsen everything, as we run into the arguments of the opposite side. And they are tough, categorical, biting. They have already decided that we were wrong, that the fault is ours, and it will not be easy to convince an opponent. Because they like the position of strength and they like our position of weakness even more. And we - it is in it and dwell if we justify ourselves.

But let's not convince anyone of anything. Let's just say: “Sorry, it happened by chance, there were no plans. I hope it will be better next time! ”.

And that's all.

And everything?

And that's all ...

And what else?

Watch out for yourself. As soon as you begin to explain, immediately protect yourself from attack. By this you train your opponent to attack you, like Pavlov’s dog is trained. Unconditioned reflex work out. He attacks, you defend.

By the way, in some families this is the most common form of communication. And, in the absence of another, take advantage of it. You look, some no, but at least the conversation turned out. And remember, no one but you, your guilt, imaginary or real, can recognize and must not. I am not saying that we are all angels. I mean that justification has become an integral part of our everyday life. It happens almost automatically. It is by excuses that we, although not consciously, take the blame upon ourselves.

Let's not take it. And let the attacker, the one who wanted to make us make excuses, fall into a "black hole". There is anything there except us trying to whitewash our actions, to explain them in order to feel better. In reality, all we seek is to admit our own guilt (often when there is none at all) and give joy to those who care about our excuses. Their task is as simple as a felt boot, to make us talk, suffer, humiliate ourselves, prove something, even if they do not give themselves an account of this. They are vampires, and we feed them. And if not with your blood, then with your energy, for sure. And yet no one has proven that the loss of energy for the sake of those who eat it is good or at least harmless.

Good luck to everyone and no excuses. Sorry - sorry. Or have I already said that? ...

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