Why are we so annoyed by our own parents?
'13.04.2019'
Source: Tut.by
Columnist tut.by Alexander Zantovich argues about why our own parents sometimes frustrate us so much - and how quickly and accurately life takes revenge for us.
I remember when in my youth they drank somewhere with friends, I was annoyed and baffled a toast “for parents”. As a practical person, I didn’t understand why to speak a toast to people who are not there? What is the benefit?
On the other hand, what kind of a toast? We have just grown up, fledged, thought themselves independent and strong. And here are the parents!
It seemed that the speaker was a mama's son, who had been infused with unconditional love for his ancestors. Do you know these children: they are always well-combed, neat, quiet, they go to a music school “to play the violin” and, of course, endure the mockery of their peers ...
When you are young and hot, you somehow think about your parents more in the way that they prevent you from developing. They are not allowed anywhere, they do not approve of your decisions, your personal life, or the way you dress. Also do not give money.
And the farther into the forest, the more they enrage. Because you are getting on your feet, and they are getting older.
It is said that with time a person’s facial features begin to reflect the emotions that he most often experienced. It was sad - there will be a sad face. Smiled - fun.
Similarly with the brain. Over time, thoughts get used to walking along the same paths - and over time, the parents begin to repeat. They tell you the same thing, they teach you the same way, they tell the same anecdotes and family stories. And well, if this is the story of their own youth. Very often these are stories about you, and not the most biased. It seems that in three years you plowed asphalt with your nose or roared under a New Year tree in kindergarten (and everyone had fun and laughed), or went to school in the morning and forgot your briefcase.
You are going to a family holiday and you already know in advance who will say what. Just endure and smile in the right places.
And it would be okay if only the stories concerned. The older a person becomes, the worse his character. That is, the features that were somehow disguised in youth are highlighted more and more clearly. The old men become sullen, capricious, they complain about the youth and the current order, in every way they chud. And if parents simply did not get along with each other, then aging parents can swear for days on end or not talk to each other at all.
And parents retire. Then they have a lot of free time to be spent on you. Whether you like it or not. They are bored, there is little in their life, communication is not enough. Therefore, they are keenly interested in what is happening to you. They ask what they live by, how they feel, whether they eat well. For girls - a separate section of incorrect questions: when you marry / give birth to a child / second / third ...
God forbid you tell your parents about a problem! A terrible thing will happen: they will think about this problem. And then call, ask how it is progressing, offer solutions that are reasonable from the point of view of their life experience, which may be irrelevant. And they will continue to do this, even if the incident has been settled long ago.
You can not pick up the phone. You can not get away from the conversation. Many conversations generally begin with the words: "Why do not you call me?". And how can you call if you call me five times a day! But it is impossible to dismiss these conversations or not to take them seriously, because we have the strongest connection with our parents.
How many men in the world who have been fighting an authoritarian mother all their life! Time after time they insult and offend women, proving to themselves that they are men. They and themselves usually do not realize that their current women are not to blame for anything. And the whole thing in some half-forgotten children's grievances and episodes. In the fact that I wanted to feel my masculinity, but I received: “Where did you go?”, “Mom knows better!”, “Don't dare to be rude to your mother!” And “Put on your hat!”.
On the other hand, there are lots of girls who have been searching for guys all their lives, who are not as close as possible to their dominant fathers. What gives us a quiet and docile henpecked, excellent chances.
There is an opinion that we all build our relationships either in the way our parents did, or exactly the opposite, by no means wanting to repeat their model. Anyway, everything is from there, all from the family, all from childhood.
Why do these skeletons from our children's lockers hold us, fully grown up and independent? Why are our own parents, our flesh and blood, annoying and freaking us out?
Psychologists say the best thing is that we are out of balance with what we have in ourselves. And parents are the closest people to us! Again, whether we like it or not, does not matter. You are half mom, half dad. Including with all their flaws!
Therefore, it all touches us so touches. When parents are depressed, they are offended, they are not doing their best, we are mad. Because we ourselves are. Approximately half of the disgusting - from the father, and almost half - from the mother. And parents, like leadership, do not choose.
And then comes the turn. The turn, after which the perception makes a sharp turn (as the network experts say, “for all 180 degrees”), and suddenly everything falls into place. As if someone in the head clicked the switch!
How can you not remember the anecdote about the amazing speed of sound. When your parents say something to you, it comes to you in thirty years.
Everything becomes clear at the moment when you yourself become a parent. As your child grows, it is increasingly turning from a cute, smiling pupsik into a prickly teenager. He lives in your apartment, begges you for money, and then, without batting an eye, tells you that you are wrong and do not understand anything in this life.
And you follow him and tambourine the same advice: study, gain knowledge, make acquaintances ... You tell the same stories: how funny he was learning to talk, how scared a camel was at the zoo, how he tried to insert needles into a socket. And a tambourine, like a wound: brush your teeth, cut your nails, tidy up the room, fasten your jacket ... And without noticing it, say the sacral and ancient, like life itself, the parental mantra: "Put on your hat."
Yes, people are funny. Do not believe those who claim that we are able to learn from the mistakes of others. Their mistakes are always more familiar and more useful.
Just by becoming a parent, you understand what your old men meant. What are they telling you all the time.
That you are dear. That you are needed. That you are loved. No matter how this love is expressed.
All of these calls, conversations, tips and moralizing; all these family stories, humiliating episodes from your childhood, all these uncomfortable questions about your life - all this is a concern. All this is love.
And when you look at your parents through the prism of your experience, peace comes in your soul. I am half a father, half a mother. But why the hell was it annoying and frustrating for me earlier?
You sit on a family holiday, observe how they communicate with each other, people who have spent more time together than separately. You listen to the same family stories, including those where you are small, awkward, silly. You nod and smile in the right places. But in a different way, sincerely.
And what are they good! Very nice! So cool! Such relatives!
