'Finally people will understand how I feel': the story of a girl who has been sitting at home for the fifth year because of a phobia
'31.03.2020'
Source: Woman.ru
The world is in the grip of the coronavirus pandemic, we are ordered not to leave home, and from day to day it can be done in Moscow, for example, only by passes. Many, however, are unhappy and believe that they are deprived of elementary freedoms - without thinking that the lives of a huge number of people depend on it. Did you know that some of us have locked themselves in four walls much earlier than the announcement of quarantine and do not leave it of our own free will? Their disease is called agoraphobia - a fear of open space. Specially for Woman.ru Inga, an agoraphobe with four years of experience, shared her story. What is important: this story is not about acceptance, but about the struggle and the desire to live a full life.
My name is Inga, I am 29 years old. Of these, four years I suffer from agoraphobia. Each person has his own story: his own fears, complexes, losses, resentments, disappointments. Agoraphobia never appears out of the blue, it is always preceded by one or a series of negative events that seriously affect the psyche.
In 2015, I started living with a young man. Soon, I began to notice that when we went out together, I was overwhelmed with anxiety.
My inner voice seemed to suggest that this person was not my way, but I did not listen.
Soon, anxiety spread to my independent walks and hikes around the city: my head ached sharply, my heartbeat increased, there was an incomprehensible fear, it became terribly uncomfortable - typical manifestations of a panic attack. Of course, then I did not know such terminology and knew about agoraphobia only by hearsay. Meanwhile, it intensified, but so far succumbed to self-control - by persuading I forced myself to go out.
Fracture
In the same year we got married, I became pregnant. Pregnancy was difficult, with pathologies. Apparently, due to the fact that all my strength and attention were focused on preserving the child, agoraphobia receded for a while.
Postpartum depression returned all neuroses in a double volume.
I did not find understanding with my husband and his relatives and, being with them in the same apartment, I marinated my neurosis. I had nowhere to get to, I even could not really exhale, since the child was constantly on me. Of course, the relatives were engaged in the baby, but they did not give me a full rest from maternal responsibility. Morally, I burned out. Against this background, all psychological ailments worsened. Agoraphobia including. It got to the point that I stopped going out. My fear of open space no longer succumbed to control, complacency and persuasion like "pull yourself together!".
Relatives of the husband walked with the child, for which many thanks to them. However, the realization that I was not fully engaged in my son, caused me a terrible guilt. I found myself in a dead end, from which I did not see a way out. I did not understand the nature of my fear, despair, feelings of hopelessness. I fell into a wild depression: I could not just get out of bed.
My husband’s relatives, to whom my mother soon joined, accused me that my condition was a way to get away from maternal responsibility, a kind of manipulation method. I tried to convince them, I said that it was something that could not be controlled, but they did not believe me.
My mental state continued to be shaken, although I struggled to hold on, to sort through some attacks.
It felt to me that I was prohibitively small, and everything around, including objects, was prohibitively large.
I began to search the Internet for an answer to the question of what was happening to me, and it was then that I began to suspect agoraphobia. In 2017, I turned to a local psychiatrist, and he confirmed that I had this ailment. As well as neurosis developed by that time. I did not receive much help. I was prescribed tranquilizers, which slightly reduced the severity of the neurosis, but did not solve the root of the problem, and said: "If you want to normalize your condition, leave this house where you are not comfortable." But I did not have such an opportunity: no one was waiting for me outside the walls of my husband’s apartment. I always had a strained relationship with my mother, she turned away from me this time too. There was nowhere to go.
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Beats, then earned?
Further worse. My husband began to raise a hand at me. He beat so professionally that there was no blood, and there were no traces left either. Twice I called the police, but in response I heard only one thing: “There are no signs of beatings. How do you prove that there was a beating? ” And then they left.
My mother, for some reason, took the side of her husband in this situation. She said that I still do not get much, saying that if she hits, then she deserves it. My aunt, with whom we grew up and who for a long time remained simply indifferent, at some point also turned her back on me - so her husband ordered, and she obeyed. I was left without the support of relatives.
Absolute hopelessness. A total feeling of insecurity ... I realized that there was no place to wait for helping hands. The psyche just broke.
An anxiety disorder began to develop from agoraphobia, which turned into a generalized anxiety disorder, as well as post-traumatic syndrome.
It got to the point that I could not even go out onto the porch of my porch - it scared me so much. On the street, I just fainted. It’s like with a computer processor: when it gets very hot, a command to shut down is issued. The same signal to the brain came from my nervous system, and I just turned off. Despite the fact that I am currently undergoing cognitive-behavioral therapy, taking antidepressants, I am still afraid to go out because I am afraid of these attacks. Such a fear of fear.
In no case do I make myself a victim of domestic violence. Yes, I lived with an abuser who beat me, and once it almost ended in disastrous life.
But I am working to take this part of my life as an experience and move on. I try to turn over this page and not open it again. This is his act, his problem and his grief - not mine. Now I work exclusively on the perception of the past, and I am sharing with you, because, again, this is part of my story.
Love will save the world. And me
By 2019, I reached the peak. Suicidal thoughts began to visit me, and once I even tried to get my hands on myself. I have not seen another way out for myself. But here from above a gift of fate was sent to me ...
In the same 2019, through acquaintances of my acquaintances, I found a pen pal. His name is Maxim.
We talked a lot on Facebook, and once, with absolutely no back thought, I shared with him that I was in a very difficult life situation, from which I do not see a way out. It was nothing more than a confession: I had not expected anything from anyone for a long time.
My husband and son lived in Transnistria, the city of Tiraspol. And my new pen pal lived in Chisinau, the capital of Moldova. What surprised me: Maxim not only was not afraid of my story, but also wanted to give me a helping hand. One day he came to me, we talked a lot. It was love at first sight.
Maxim volunteered to help me with agoraphobia. At that moment I was afraid to walk even a couple of blocks from home, instantly fainted from fear. But clutching Maxim’s hand, closing my eyes, that day I was able to go the distance - much greater than usual. Subsequently, he came to me several times: he drove further and further, then drove around the city. Such walks, accompanied by me, helped a little.
I realized that Maxim does more for me than her husband, that he needs me and he seeks to rid me of neurosis, agoraphobia and suicidal tendencies.
There were many fears, but in the end, I divorced my husband. The only thing I had to leave the child with his father. According to the laws of Transnistria, I cannot take my son out of the country to a place where neither my child nor I have a residence permit and citizenship. While I solve all these bureaucratic issues, my son stayed with the ex-husband. Fortunately, his father is really beautiful.
I feel guilty that my child is not with me. Yes, I communicate with him every day, I often go to him, but this does not replace constant contact and does not reduce my pain.
I want to pick up my child, but our laws may not allow me to.
I spoke with lawyers: while my ex-spouse has a high chance of winning the case. In addition, he made sure that I did not have the right to take the child out of Transnistria, even for the weekend ... All this brings me suffering. The unresolved problem shakes my nervous system, irritates both neurosis and agoraphobia, but I try to look for a way out.
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On the warpath
Having left with Maxim in Chisinau, I immediately began to undergo rehabilitation - with the help of antidepressants and cognitive-behavioral therapy. My girlfriend, a psychiatrist from Lithuania, works with me. Recovery is very slow, but I know that you need to be patient. And be sure to go over yourself: go out and step by step to increase the distance from the house. I admit, I often did not attach importance to the schedule of exits from the house, and the longer I stayed in the apartment, the stronger agoraphobia became.
Sometimes, I didn’t leave my house for 2-3 weeks, but I realized with my head that this was wrong.
Kicked herself, forced to go out, because she knew that from now on it would only get worse. From agoraphobia often develops sociophobia. To prevent this from happening, you have to go over yourself. Many agoraphobes are also afraid of public transport: there are a lot of people around, you feel that you are suffocating, you are terrified at the mere thought that this transport takes you away from home, from your comfort zone. During periods of aggravation of agoraphobia, I also experience a similar fear, but I try to work with it. I drove two stops, got out, caught my breath, calmed down, accepted the situation. I went further. Not today, so tomorrow.
So, for example, last year I had a small victory: I was able to drive myself to the other end of the city (about 20 kilometers) - to Maxim to work. It was incredibly scary and hard. Both the street and the transport scared, but with respite I was able to get to the right place. Herself.
Willpower is very important - without it, nothing will help. To this day, much has not been possible for me; much has been given with great difficulty.
Thanks to my man and girlfriend, a psychiatrist, who are always ready to turn his shoulder.
By the way, the presence of a close person helps often in the fight against agoraphobia. You are not so afraid to take another step, drive another stop.
The victory described above does not at all mean that tomorrow I will overcome the same route with ease. For example, this year I have not yet been selected anywhere. As I said, the fight against agoraphobia is a very long process. Often I fall into a state of depersonalization (a disorder of self-perception of the personality and alienation of its mental properties, approx. Woman.ru) and derealization (a violation in which the surrounding world is perceived as unreal or distant, approx. Woman.ru). Therefore, Maxim is afraid to let me go alone and often walks everywhere with me. Including shopping.
Of course, with regard to daily needs, I try to do it on my own.
For example, I force myself to go to the nearest supermarket (literally a few steps from home). Hard, but I try. It is worse when you need to go to the city (we live outside the city), but accompanied by my man I try to adapt to the situation as much as possible.
I still thank the Universe for Maxim. If he had not existed, there would have been no me. I want to emphasize once again how important support is - a relative, friend, loved one.
Maxim accepted me at 100%. From the very beginning, he knew that I was a psychologically broken man. He accepted my misfortune, delved into it, threw all his strength into fighting it, messing with me like a child. Moreover, this is his choice, his voluntary step - I have never manipulated my condition. He never condemns me, does not devalue my feelings. He made me a marriage proposal. I see that I can completely trust him - as I am.
Friendship is necessary
Before marriage and all these neuroses, I led an active lifestyle. I was an extrovert, I loved communication, went to concerts, exhibitions, creative events.
Grabbing agoraphobia, I became asocial. Of course, in connection with this, the number of my outings, meetings with friends has decreased.
I developed a fear of fear: I am afraid to faint, afraid of sudden tachycardia. Naturally, I would not want to come to a meeting with friends and after a couple of moments quietly slide down the wall. Nevertheless, once or twice a month I try to get out somewhere. It is important that I get a good night's sleep, because due to lack of sleep, agoraphobia worsens.
My communication with friends basically migrated to the Internet, social networks. As for personal meetings, I do not want to use my position and ask friends to come to my yard. Why should people adapt to my agoraphobia? Is not cool. It will be even better and more beneficial for myself if I come to the appointed meeting place and thus train my nervous system. And so that people come to me ... I would be ashamed to even ask them about it.
Art therapy
I always loved to draw, graduated from art school, won several competitions, but I never attached any particular importance to this.
When I gave birth and faced with agoraphobia, I thought: “Why shouldn't I spend this time to good use while sitting in four walls?” And she began to draw.
So my series of works appeared in the direction of metarealism (something between a geometrically conditional abstraction and a realistically delineated thing - approx. Woman.ru), where my agoraphobia was reflected as well. My paintings are a section of my mental state at a certain point in time.
All these four years I try to create continuously. At some point, the hobby turned into a source of income. Today I am painting to order, selling ready-made ones, and leading a page with my work. I admit, there is no special demand for artists in our country, so I often work with Europe. Unfortunately, I can’t call my income stable, which also annoys and upsets me.
Sometimes I scold myself: “Why can't I, almost a 30-year-old adult woman, establish a steady income?”
I do not consider office work for myself, although I tried. But for me it's hard. I'm still a creative person. It’s easier for me to work at home, alone, because I don’t like when many people are cooperating on one thing.
I dream of becoming a famous artist. But not for vanity. I want to tell a story through my paintings, to be an instructive example. I want to show people with a similar ailment that it is possible and necessary to fight, to look for strength within ourselves and to go forward. A sort of story of one artist. Painting is an integral part of my struggle, my way of self-expression. It’s great if it could help someone else.
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Coronavirus
The coronavirus panic did not affect me, despite my anxiety disorder. Someone may think that the agoraphobe likes to sit at home, but in reality these four walls act simply as a refuge, a salvation. Alas, suspicious.
We also do not like to stay at home, we are also locked up badly. Another thing is that we do not have the resources to go out.
In about this situation today, everyone is. I thought to myself: “Finally, people will fully experience what I feel: how bad it is to sit at home without the opportunity to go out.” The only difference is that their impossibility is determined by the decree of the authorities, and mine - by the psychological state.
Many already now, in the second week of quarantine, are ready to climb the wall. So the agoraphobe does not feel adequately within the four walls, in most cases realizing that this is not the norm.
The quarantine bans are not so strict, so I try to leave my house at least for a while, to walk a bit, to get aired. While this is permitted, I take this opportunity (avoiding a large crowd of people, of course) to keep my agoraphobia in check and prevent her from gaining the upper hand over me.
On the way to a better life
I really want to bring life back to square one, restore the normality of the system, again feel the freedom that I had before 2015. Or put up? Lock yourself in an apartment, focus your life in four walls? Let's say. But what if a situation happens that makes me leave the house? And if something very serious and important depends on me? I will run out and immediately collapse from fear. You can not do it this way.
I still can’t accept my agoraphobia. And I do not want to accept it.
She is not part of me. She is not my friend, she only infuriates and annoys me, and I want to get rid of her and stop blocking myself from the world. A comfort zone beckons, but is it so good? To depend on four walls is very scary. Therefore, I chose the path of struggle.
Alas, agoraphobia tends to come back, no matter how you resist. Any relaxation of the nervous system, an unsuccessful period in life, a stressful situation - all this can trigger a rollback. No one is safe from this, so you need to be as prosaic as possible about what is happening. If it has begun, to have techniques to get out of this state, maintain a positive attitude, enlist the support of loved ones, do not be shy, if necessary, return to medications and specialists. Of course, this is what I am broadcasting abstrusely now, and everything seems so easy, but who knows how it will cover me next time. If only I could handle it.
