The article has been automatically translated into English by Google Translate from Russian and has not been edited.

Male view: why do we get mistresses, and does marriage need a second chance

Sergey Evelev

writer, TV and radio host


... so many songs about love ...

Lover, mistress ... Who is it, where do they come from, why do they come into our lives and bring confusion? Is it by chance, or is there some kind of regularity in the process as old as the world? Further - from the first person.

Photo: Shutterstock

I suddenly remembered how one of the participants in my radio show asked: “Are there men who do not cheat on their wives?” and I answered: “No!” Then, after a pause, he added: "Except for those who are in one of the three categories: lazy, cowardly, squeamish." I will not talk about the reaction of the participant and other radio listeners. It was thunder and lightning, which is great, as it gave many people the opportunity to consider their position and strengthen in it, or, perhaps, change their point of view to a close or even directly opposite one.

It would probably be fair to add here another category of men who are so obsessed with their wives that they simply do not see other women, as if they do not exist. Does it happen? For sure. Maybe not very often, but it happens. But today we are talking about something else.

In the words “lover” and “mistress”, unexpectedly for us, we find the word “love”, which for the same strange reasons cannot be found in the words “husband”, “wife”, “betrothed”, “spouses”, “newlyweds”, “wedding” ”,“ Groom ”,“ bride ”,“ wedding ”and so on. It would seem that they belong here, but no. Love did not fit into any of these concepts, which are a thousand years old. And she fit into what is considered by the people to be sin, madness, disgrace, crime, deception, meanness, betrayal. Perhaps everything is so, but how love found itself in these words - that's my question. Not a concubine, not a slave, not a slave, but a mistress? Why? Who invented? What guided you? Arguments? Facts?

Maybe it happened because it is human nature to seek love, even if unconsciously. He knows or assumes that in it he will find happiness, joy, excitement, will reveal himself as a person, will grow in the eyes of his own (and the public too). And if he did not find it in the family or found it and lost it, then the locator of the search for love turns on wherever it can be.

On the subject: Why nobody marries you: man’s gaze

Women, I assume, have the same locator, although the background or reason may be different. Perhaps she wants to take revenge in this way or remember herself in the distant past, when she had different partners and everything was sharp, fresh, unpredictable. Maybe she just wants to make sure that, regardless of age, children and other circumstances that aggravate her self-awareness, she is quite in order and men can like her. And a dozen other reasons or reasons. Although the main reason is probably the same: she - like him - is looking for love, but she is not yet in the family, is no longer there or (which is the saddest thing) has never been.

On this path, the spouses are in danger in the form of a picture that depicts him or her in a negligee in bed with another / another - and here, as in a joke, the wife or husband enters. But it is possible that the “adventurers” are subconsciously hoping for this. Being caught in the hot, it is easier to break the bonds that choke, crush, do not let you live, spread your wings and soar ... And then - you got caught and you need to decide something.

But this is not always the case. Often we just “get” on the side what we are missing. This could be an opportunity to talk to someone who listens and hears you. This is what balm falls on the soul: praise, recognition, the ability to see in you a giant, a genius, to find something else extraordinary, the existence of which you did not know before. This is a way out of the routine, habit, boredom, monotony in which the vast majority lives, judging by the expressions of faces in the crowd.

"Treason!" everyone screams. “Treason! she screams. “He cheated on me, and I won’t forgive that!”

After a silent or, conversely, a very loud scene, you should think for a second and try to put everything in order. Change - what does it mean? Something has changed? Right. His attitude towards her has changed or vice versa. And this happened long before the other one appeared, the romance on the side and the scene in bed that the wife saw. When they were caught hot, the betrayal had already happened a long time ago. It was the changed attitude (why this happened is a separate and complex topic) within the cell of society that led to a search on the side.

Therefore, it seems to me that the word “treason” has nothing to do with the physiological act, for which they were caught or not yet. By the way, to be completely honest, he/she has long known about the relationship that has changed for the worse, but they chose to endure it, not notice it, or hope that it “will resolve itself” over time. An no. Most likely it won't dissipate. What is broken one day will never grow together (now all the psychotherapists in the world will hate me: they regularly try to glue relationships “working” on them). You can bandage it, put a splint on it, learn to pretend, wave your hand, endure for the sake of children, parents, relatives, buzzing in your ear non-stop. But it is impossible to grow together, heal, do as it was before, no matter how much we “treated”. I don't know any couple who could. But I do not know everything and not everyone, so I can be categorically wrong. Perhaps my environment skillfully hides its lost and then returned as a result of “treatment by specialists” happiness.

On the subject: Why I choose married: revelations of serial mistress

Nature shows us an example. Break a branch and it will never be the same again. And if it is “treated”, it may grow, but it will remain ugly, it will not become new, whole and unharmed. Can not. I think so are we - after all, we are part of nature. If what the relationship was based on has changed, it cannot be brought back, how not to turn the river back. But each probably has its own story, maybe much nicer.

In conclusion, questions for all readers to fill in: can it happen that neither she nor he will ever need a person on the side? And if so, under what conditions? Do you know such people, but not in the first week or year after the wedding, but after many years of relationship? Are they cunning, do they really love each other, and it shows? How did they do it? Are there secrets? Let them share.

I'm sure those interested are the sea, and a small ocean to it.
I'm waiting. We are waiting. Everyone is waiting.

If you want to talk with me about it - go to my page in facebook.

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