Is it possible to save the marriage if the husband became an alcoholic, a drug addict, or fell into a sect: personal experience
'04.03.2019'
Source: lady.mail.ru
Many still believe that people from dysfunctional families become alcoholics, sectarians and drug addicts. The experience of these women proves the opposite - their successful and educated husbands became addicted, writes Lady.mail.ru. How to help your loved one, and whether it makes sense to fight for a relationship to the end?
Natalia, 44 years
At the time of our acquaintance, my husband was a successful man. With three friends, they organized a company and worked in the field of IT-technologies. Business was conducted rationally: they did not make money, profits were invested in the purchase of real estate and land.
At the wedding, we got an apartment, on the plot planned to build a cottage. Living in your own home has always been a dream of mine! There were no preconditions of trouble. The husband always read a lot, had a wide range of interests, including religion, philosophy, esoteric. We had a son. At about the same time, the senior founder dragged him into the sect of the Scientologists.
The recruitment of friends was active — Hubbard’s books, invitations to meet, discuss, and condemn those who are not in the community. People lost everything - themselves, family, property left in favor of the “church”.
Only one managed to escape. Using his example, I realized that the only working way is to physically protect the sectarian from exposure: take him to another region, change all the numbers, turn off the Internet and even then brainwash. Unfortunately, I had no such opportunity. And other methods did not help.
My husband was convinced that his relatives should be “cognized” - bring me to them, my daughter from his first marriage, his young son, whom they promised to help (he is a special child).
It was a very difficult period: both physically and morally. I survived a microstroke, barely regained mobility of the arms and legs, the suture after a cesarean (the son was born very large, in the first days he was in intensive care) healed the 4 month. Husband donated all property to the “church”. Things in the company went downhill, and I took on any job.
I fought for my marriage for several years. And when I realized that everything was in vain, I took the most expensive thing - children, and left. We have already divorced remotely. The exact place of residence of the former is unknown. He settled in some closed camp of sectarians, they are very interested in IT specialists. He does not support communication with us and with his parents.
For myself, I learned a lesson: it’s not worth holding on to a marriage with a sectarian. These people are weak. They leave, as if into a pool with their heads, and are convinced that only in the “church” they will be happy. They don't care about those outside the community. The second time I will not step on such a rake. Very carefully I look at the men, cautious. And if there is something like palmistry among his interests, it is easier for me to pass by. Such a life experience makes men wary.
Catherine, 32 of the year
As a teenager, my ex-husband became a drug addict. After an overdose with hard drugs, I was able to “get off”. But, like most of those who got off the needle, began to jam the breaking of alcohol. Replaced one buzz on another.
When we met, he did not look like a dependent: 24 of the year, very wise, kind, harmless, but weak-willed and phlegmatic. Addiction to alcohol, he long denied. In a state of intoxication, I did not harm others (which is rare), but his binges exhausted me emotionally, and a year later I was about to leave.
The prospect of losing a family encouraged her husband to “sew up”, but my joy was in vain. 2,5, without alcohol, he was looking for himself, because he did not know what it was like to live sober. It turned out to be hard, replaced by a state where the sea was knee-deep, misunderstanding of its place in the world, depression, spiritual emptiness, and health problems came. The husband planted his pancreas and lost weight from 94 kg to 74 kg, with an increase in 185. A sad sight.
I do not agree with the doctors that alcoholism is a disease. This habit is like a beautiful but rotten apple inside. Sweet dope invented by people as a means of avoiding reality. And I understand that only the desire to live and find yourself in this life will be able to help a person get out of this pit.
Many women get used to the role of mom, trying to stretch, protect, direct on the true path, forgetting that before them is not a child, but an adult man. And they are not ready to part with their socially-dependent position! While you make an alcoholic of his eyes, you will be used: harshly, consumerly masking it for illness, problems and other tales that drunks so sweetly tell.
My opinion: to lend a helping hand is possible and necessary, but if this hand is “bitten”, no matter how much you love, you need to turn around and leave. I did it.
Daria, 22 of the year
A few years before our meeting, my husband was a drug addict, and I knew about it. At the time of our acquaintance, he was in remission, did not use drugs, drink alcohol, or smoke. We began to communicate, for some time we were just friends, and after a few years we got married. We were happy. Rare conflicts arose only because of my requests to spend more time with my family (and my husband worked very much).
About a year later, at one of those moments, I noticed a glassy look at my husband. He began to behave in an unusual way, began to deceive, did not want to eat, drank a lot of water. Not paying attention to anxiety, I attributed this condition to fatigue or illness.
After about three months, the situation repeated. I realized that the addiction was back. In the morning we quietly talked. But to the direct question of whether the husband took drugs, he replied in the negative. I was in a daze, looking for the reasons of what happened in myself. After some time my husband confessed, asked for forgiveness, I saw how ashamed he was.
I could not work normally, I did not go anywhere with my friends and colleagues. The center of life has become a husband. All thoughts were aimed at controlling his life: I checked the phone when he left for work, called to hear that his voice was “normal” and wrote every 30 — 40 minutes, wondered where he was.
Seeing that he himself was not able to cope with drug addiction, I turned to a specialist. After talking with her husband, he went to the recommended rehabilitation center. I attended a course for co-addicts, it is an integral part of the addict's recovery program, which teaches loved ones to build healthy relationships.
I got a lesson in how I don't want to live my life. Husband was rehabilitated and remains sober. We are family, and we respect each other. There is a wonderful job, friends and hobbies.
My conclusion: if a person is ready to undergo treatment and decide to remain sober, addiction can be overcome. But for this to be a lot of work on himself - as the most dependent, and his loved ones.
Specialist commentary
Olga Pavlenko, clinical psychologist, specialist in work with addictions:
“Alas, any woman can enter into a relationship with a dependent man. At the start it is impossible to “scan” what will happen to a person in a few years.
It is important to understand: dependence is not a manifestation of weakness, and it is beyond the power of a non-specialist to deal with this problem. It is necessary to take into account how the psyche of ordinary and dependent people works, to develop measures. The problem of relatives is that they do not know these specifics.
Relief from dependence is possible: about a third of patients are successfully cured. Another third is seeking sustained remission, but these people need constant monitoring so that they do not return to dependence. Another third does not want to undergo therapy and weakly gives in to it.
On the dependence of a close man react differently: some leave, others run to fortune-tellers. And you need to contact the competent specialists as soon as possible. ”
