Is it possible to actually 'fix' your partner: the opinion of a psychologist
'08.07.2022'
Source: Clever
One of the most classic misconceptions that girls have in relationships is that a partner can and should change - if he values the relationship, of course. This idea is often so ingrained that if the partner does not change, then the woman who is not trying enough is to blame. This also occurs in toxic relationships, where the victim believes that her love will be able to "fix" anything - including traumatic behavior, writes Clever.
Andrew Christensen, a professor of psychology at the University of Los Angeles, who has published Reconcilable Differences on conflict in marriage, says partners cannot change fundamentally - even if relationships require it.
“People cannot change their essence, even if they try, and it is useless to demand that they do it,” says Christensen, who has been working with pair therapy for over twenty years. - To love and marry someone, you must accept the essence of another person, you must accept who he or she is. You can insist on small changes, but do not ask to change completely. ”
We want our partner to acknowledge our innocence and the need for the changes we are asking for. We often believe that a transformation will occur in the behavior and attitude of our partner - and perhaps he will even be grateful that we helped him become better. But this does not happen - and we either begin to blame ourselves and try even more, or blame the partner for this.
Simple idea - all people are different. We all grow up in different conditions, with different environments, and this affects the formation of personality. What annoys you may be a long-standing habit that has served as a defense against negative influences. Things that hurt you may feel completely normal to your partner, such as domestic violence or alcohol abuse. This does not justify his behavior, but it does help to understand that the roots of the problem lie much deeper than your attempts to help change can reach.
On the subject: How not to get a divorce and not to hate each other: psychologist's advice to quarantined couples
What to do in such a situation? Andrew Christensen advises being more understanding and accepting. Talk with your partner about what's bothering you - and listen while you talk about what's bothering him.
Nobody is perfect - and if there is something that annoys you, then there is something that annoys him. Consider how valuable this relationship is, and whether it is outweighed by the fact that you don't like the taste in films or the other person's eating habits.
This recommendation is valid as long as the behavior of the partner does not harm you. If his habit is to humiliate you or violence, then you should not put up with this. Even if a partner promises to change every time after an outbreak of anger, he is unlikely to keep that promise - because this is a standard cycle of violence in which remorse follows the outbreak. But to break this cycle requires a long and deep work of a specialist - you are not required to do it yourself and experience a traumatic experience again and again.
