Immigrant opinion: why marriages are stronger in the US than in Belarus
'18.05.2019'
Source: Onliner.by
Karina Komissarchik emigrated from Belarus to the United States a year ago. She tries to learn as much as possible about the country where she will live in the future, so she has already visited the state 23. Today, Karina talks about marriages in America, comparing them with family unions in her homeland.
When I had 20, many relatives, my mother's friends, winking, asked when I was going to get married, Karina writes for Onliner.by. And in 19 no one asked anything, but in 20 they became sharply interested. In 21, the situation escalated, and there were no more questions, there were specific recommendations. I thought to myself: “What, is it really time? But what about career, travel and showdown in yourself? ”. Wise women explained that I would never marry myself with a career and the right inner world of a peasant, so I have to hurry.
The matter was further complicated by the fact that many of my peers began to tie the knot. Some had children. When two children start to play in a family, something rarely comes out of it. In a fit of emotion, those who are in love, without really understanding either themselves or each other, decide that they want to spend their whole life together. Their confidence in this weakens at the end of the first year of marriage. But parents are satisfied, society is lagging behind, and beautiful photos for the Internet prove how happy the young couple is. Tell it to 20-old Americans, and they twist a finger at your temple.
There are few young brides here.
In the US, the situation is completely opposite. People here get married much later. And it's not so much the need to graduate from the university and find a good job, but rather that young people just don't think about it. They want to enjoy a free, independent life, gain experience and understand exactly what they want from themselves and from their future partner. I already wrote that I worked in the workshop for the repair of wedding dresses. There was also a salon ready-made outfits. I saw a lot of brides, and very rarely I met very young people.
But this does not mean that young people in the United States do not start a relationship. Of course, they meet, they spend the weekend, many try to live together, but they don’t hurry to make the relationship legitimate. And not in a hurry as guys and girls. It seems to me that they decide to marry when they want children. That is, relations can last for five, seven years, but not to be institutionalized, and this does not bother anyone. At first, I complained, they say, how so! We met a little bit - and let's get married, why should the cat be pulled in the same place! Then I began to ask myself: why should they marry now? They are young, everything can still change 300, but there are enough unfortunate victims of a divorce.
Strong relationships are partnerships.
In Belarus, you can often hear that a woman earns on “shampoos and manicures”, and a man - on a family. With such attitudes, many of our girls are getting married, being sure that the husband should support them. Should not. If a young lady is doing well with her health, her arms and legs are in place, her brain is working and she is not on maternity leave, she shouldn't be 1000 times! The expectations of the woman do not coincide with the reality of life, and the song begins: "I chose the wrong one, I am unhappy with it." In the US, girls also slip such views on marriage, but less often. Here the philosophy of marriage is partnership, the division of responsibilities equally, teamwork, if you want. Country for gender equality. Many women in the United States have given their lives for this equality. A real American would be ashamed not to do something on a par with a man, if she can do it.
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However, there is another side to the issue. In Belarus, the problem of unequal wages among men and women flourishes, all other things being equal. In the US, by the way, this problem also exists, but it is not as bright as in Belarus. I can even say that women in the United States earn more than good money if they want it. That is, they can calmly support themselves. They do not need to get married.
By the way, the Belarusian man is also brought up by the installation that he is a man and his duty is to earn money and develop, and his wife needs him to darn socks and run after him with a spoon. This, of course, is an exaggeration, but you understood the essence. And he marries a girl who has a favorite job, 100 hobbies and friends. She prefers to order socks online, there is also food for dinner, and she saw your “female” duties in the coffin. Again, a mismatch, again a mismatch of expectations and reality - and, as a result, a divorce.
Money for life together
But the most important reason for divorce in Belarus, in my opinion, is the lack of financial freedom. The housing question is the first and most acute stumbling block among young Belarusian couples. There is no opportunity to take a loan. If the salary allows, the couple, of course, rents housing, and if not, the newly-born husband and wife have to live with their parents, and this is a so-so idea. And well, if the area of the apartment allows the newlyweds to stay at least in a separate room, and if not? And if there were children? I do not even want to imagine what problems and questions this entails for all participants of this event.
In America, if we are not talking about California and New York, deciding the issue with a credit rating, you can buy a small but nice house on the mortgage with a sufficient number of bedrooms, bathrooms, and also a garage and lawn in the backyard. Of course, there is a problem here - mortgage bills. But for us, for example, a bill for a loan per month is the same as the rent for an apartment. Naturally, the newlyweds in the US take the opportunity to purchase their home on credit, but at quite reasonable interest rates, and begin a full-fledged family life.
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Further, every self-respecting American has a credit card. Yes, this is a very slippery track, I know. People are overgrown with debts very simply, and give them very hard. But having such a “lifeline” is important for the family. Anything can happen in life. The main thing is to repay the bank in time. Credit cards are not so common in Belarus and they are far from being accessible to all people. Sometimes, due to minor financial problems (like salary tomorrow, but products need to be bought today) a very large quarrel begins with a young couple, which entails sad consequences.
Family values come first
Again, everywhere in the US, except for the largest and most fashionable cities, family values are in the first place for everyone. The most important thing you have is a family, your husband or wife. Americans have good comrades, people with whom they communicate closely, but your best friend is your life partner. I would even say that there is a whole family propaganda here: portions at restaurants are family-friendly, products are sold in large packages, rest is also for at least four, cars are huge, so that all your five children can fit together. Willy-nilly, you absorb it and start treating your family like something indestructible and unchanging. I think in Belarus the attitude towards the family is somewhat different, which is why there are so many divorces.
In addition, to my great surprise, the United States is a very religious country. The number of religions that you can find out about here just rolls over. Whatever they differ among themselves, some of the basics unite them. One of them: marriage is once and for all. For so many people in the US, marriage is not only a legal union before society, but also before God, which is much more important to them.
Divorce is expensive
My cynicism and atheistic views do not allow me not to mention that a divorce in the USA is very expensive. I know one couple who could not divide the house during a divorce. Even a little house, nothing special at all. So, when at last the house was divided, it had to be sold so that the ex-husband and wife could settle accounts with the lawyers. Divorce means all divided in half. The unwillingness to do this very much holds back from parting.
Plus, if the wife in marriage did not work, for example, because she was with the children, the husband after the divorce is obliged to support her until she gets married again. Such situations are rare here, but I heard about a couple where the ex-wife had already found a new man for herself, but did not marry him in order to receive money from her ex-husband - $ 7 thousand per month, by the way.
Go ahead. The court may oblige you to go to a family psychologist for several months if you believe that the union can still be saved. Especially if there are children. Receptions at the therapist are very expensive, so if you want a divorce, get ready to spend money. In general, it is unprofitable to divorce in the USA and even expensive.
The marriage contract, by the way, often allows you to solve many important issues "on the coast", so that later you do not turn this into a reason for quarrels. For example, someone in a pair earns a lot more. He or she, of course, wants to secure his income, because you never know how life will be. On the one hand, it is not at all romantic, on the other - everything is decided initially and there is no reason to clarify the relationship. Choose.
Marriage in any country is a difficult and nervous affair. It requires round-the-clock attention and endless investments. The spiritual first. Just working on how to have quiet sex, so that parents do not hear, is somewhat different from solving issues of unity, the search for common interests, peace of mind. It is also slightly problematic to build a qualitative relationship, if everyone in a pair believes that they should be forever. Two egoist children in marriage initially condemn the union to break. So you need to grow up first, start to represent at least something, start earning normally, eventually, and only then dress, and one for two eternity, and a relaxed attitude to scattered socks.
