Mom in jealousy: the child loves her grandmother more!
'05.05.2017'
Today, not every woman can afford not to work, devoting her time to home and her child. The rest are forced to either engage in business or attend work. And here, very often, it’s not a nanny who comes to help, but a grandmother who is ready to help, shifting the care of her grandchildren to herself. And here there is such an interesting phenomenon as "Mother's jealousy."
It starts to seem to you that your own child loves his grandmother much more than you? And the influence that a grandmother has on a child is much more that you, parents, have? From somewhere an absolute certainty emerged that your mother became for the child the authority that you did not become. Perhaps you are right, and your jealousy has a reason. However, it is also possible that the causes of this situation lie in you, in your words and actions. And consequently, only you are able to go on the path to correct the situation. Consider the most obvious reasons that you lose contact with the child, while he finds it with his grandmother.
The most common reason lies on the surface - communication
As we wrote above, the specifics of modern life is such that not only dads, but also mothers, in one way or another, distance themselves from their children, devoting almost all their time to work or rest from her. In general, the quite commendable desire and desire to provide for your family as materially as possible has another side - a moral one. And here things are not very good. Probably, the child communicates with the grandmother much more than you, and your baby simply began to wean from you, accepting the current situation as normal. Therefore, even if you think that you communicate with your child a lot, you need to reconsider your confidence and be with your child much more often!
Different approaches to education
You are a progressive mother who tries to follow both old, tried-and-true parenting methods and innovative methods. All this you try to bring to life, as far as possible, carving out free time for this. The grandmother, on the other hand, has her own vision of the situation, both on your methods of upbringing, and on how it should really be. Probably, your child prefers his grandmother even for one reason only - she “pities” him and pampers him. For example, it indulges the child in his passion for sweets or for "soda", allowing them to use them in huge quantities. Or lets you lie in bed until one o'clock. And there are a lot of such indulgences. Therefore, the child perceives the pastime with his grandmother as a kind of holiday. By the way, it is not at all necessary that the grandmother pampers the child consciously, because, as they say: the mother's heart is maternal, and the grandmother's is maternal and grandmother's. And do not forget that when she raised you, she also cut the time and was in tension. Now for her, despite the troubles, it is relaxation and pleasure. And therefore, more natural warmth and care comes from her, albeit excessive. Therefore, it is worth thanking your mother for her help, but working out common approaches in raising a child. The main thing here is to convey one truth that this is your child, and only you and dad are allowed to determine what he can and cannot.
Your jealousy for mother
Try to look inside yourself: perhaps you still experience a childhood resentment that your own mother, at one time, did not pay enough attention to you, not to mention the “warmth” with which she permeates your child? Perhaps the reason for your jealousy lies in the fact that she was strict with you in your childhood and did not indulge your whims and desires as she allows herself with her grandchildren? Here it will be appropriate to recall one old proverb: "The first child is the last doll, and the first grandson is the first child." Think carefully about these words and try to understand why grandmother treats her grandchildren more reverently than she does to you. This will help you forget old grudges and accept the fact that your child, besides his parents, also has other people who love him. And then harmony is just a stone's throw away!
Who is to blame and what to do with it?
- You have to understand the truth: no matter how wonderful the grandmother is, and also no matter how much time she spends with your child, she can never take your place! Whatever one may say, namely parents are the most important people in a child’s life, and this, except for pathological cases, nothing can change.
- Your jealousy pushes you to rash acts. For example, hearing the phrase “My grandmother allowed me!”, You immediately oppose “And I do not allow!”. It remains to add "I said so!". So you just can not raise your credibility in the eyes of a child, and create a new tension.
- Do not forget that the grandmother is not a professional nanny who works off her money, so there is no point in making excessive demands on her. And if the benefits of her communication with the child are obvious, then you can close your eyes to some errors in her manner of education. If from such constant communication there is more harm than benefit, then communication can and should be temporarily limited. After all, there is always a chance that the grandmother herself will understand that she was wrong.
If you had to deal with a similar feeling of jealousy, when grandmothers are very much in the child’s life, it is important, first of all, to calm yourself and remember that you, as a mother, are out of competition! The main thing is that you should have a trusting and warm relationship with your child. In this case, no, even very close communication with the grandmother, you are not threatened.
