Love Pentagon: How I Lived with American Polyamors
'30.01.2019'
Source: Furfur
“If you come to us, I promise that my wife will not flirt with you too compulsively. She hung on your 15 photographs for minutes, and then said, “God, I will get red in the face when I see her!”
Such messages Ryan invited me to visit, when in the summer I traveled around America, writes Anya Sakharova for Furfur.me. A week and a half before my arrival, he wrote to me daily on Facebook and tried to tell about his polyamore life as attractively as possible: “We are moving to a new home with a bunch of queer-cuties. In the meantime, three together on the bed, but for you we have a separate sofa ”; “I am a queer too. Are you a queer? ”; “Fell in love with some American? If you want a romance, we can introduce you to someone, everyone is very nice here ”; “Well, I can't guarantee that our ladies won't fall in love with you”; “Vermont is so beautiful and green now. There are many mountains and lakes here ... Come on! ”.
Damn, that was strange, because I personally didn't know him. Madness added the fact that, in addition to selfies, photos of cats and Rebecca's naked wife, Ryan posts on various women Instagram. He ties their legs, arms and breasts with coarse ropes in the shape of pentagrams - this is his hobby. In the profile description, he lists his characteristics: poly, honesty, MMA, veganism, comics, motorcycles, sobriety, wife Rebecca, love for beautiful women and positive. Well, this is clear from the pictures. At the same time, he was afraid that he was crazy, who was going to bind and mock me in the basement until the police and central television appeared, there were no reasons. Ryan used to sing in the popular hardcore band Unrestrained. They went on a tour of the cities of Russia, and we had many mutual friends who know him as a reliable guy. North Vermont was not on the way, but they were waiting for me there. The persistent hospitality of unfamiliar people slightly frightened, but at the same time attracted. So I bought a bus ticket to Burlington, the city in which Ryan lives with her friends. The case did without tying up and ropes, but I still slept in the basement.
The wilds of the subconscious teased me: “Since everything is so simple there, maybe you are not at all zasyssh and muddied with the girl?”. I even wrote a boyfriend:
- Listen, would you be fine if I had a girlfriend here?
“Do what you want there, but I think it's crap.”
Ryan met me at the bus at the campus stop. He spoke so openly and smiled that it seemed as if I had met a school friend with whom we in the eighth grade drank vodka under a desk. I immediately told him the story of why I was in America: I decided to use the old visa, after my boss dismissed me for having exchanged photos with a guy without clothes at the workplace. I knew that this would not be a cause for unpleasant jokes or rude jokes to Ryan. He replied: “Ha-ha, the boss also caught me on this. But she did not dismiss, but laughed and noted that my wife is a beauty ”.
In fact, my friend is also handsome, sorry that the boss did not appreciate it. Idiot
Ryan said that their lives are changing: tomorrow, he and his wife Rebecca come together with two regular partners, Gina and Jesse. For all this is new and frightening, no one knows what the life together will be.
On Ryan's mini-Cooper, we drove up to their old house, on the porch of which two girls were chatting. I recognized Rebecca, an American Instagram beauty with colored hair, cat eyes and thick arrows. She was all dressed in black — jeans, a t-shirt, and rough shoes — and ate an American Doshirak. Next to her - a neighbor on the street Ruby, dressed in high shorts, with bright lipstick on her lips. Ruby is another regular partner of Ryan and Rebecca. He greeted them both: first he kissed Rebecca on the lips, and then Ruby. It was so unusual that my excitement to stir up with the girl fell silent, skukozhilsya and huddled in the little finger of his left leg. It's like when you go to a party and plan to fall into the pool, then because of this, fight with the guards, but in the end you sit in the corner of the club and dream of hugging a teddy bear at home and read War and Peace.
It seemed to me that the girls were not at all ashamed of my presence, but they were too shy to talk to me. I was treading along on the steps and did not know where to look and what to do. When Ruby left, she kissed Rebecca goodbye on the lips, and then five times in the shoulders with the words “I love you. You're beautiful".
In order not to get confused: Ryan with Rebecca - husband and wife. Together they meet with three girls: Jesse, Gina and Ruby. Then the most difficult begins - not all of them are found among themselves: Gina does not meet with either Ruby or Jesse. With Jesse, they are friends who can sometimes sleep with each other. The only difference is that they are not in love with each other. Jesse and Ruby meet, but this is not a love quad with Rebecca and Ryan, but a separate independent couple.
“We do not choose partners, I think we are lucky and they find us themselves. We are not looking for women or men purposefully. Because to meet a person and immediately project such expectations on him is too much pressure. ”
“We do not choose partners, I think we are lucky and they find us themselves. We are not looking for women or men purposefully with the thought “we want a romantic or intimate relationship with this man.” Because to meet a person and immediately project such expectations on him is too much pressure. This means that you see him as an intimate or romantic object, and not as a person. When we meet someone interesting, first of all we want to make a friend and communicate. Communication can be romantic, and can remain friendly. Rebecca and I are constantly discussing these processes. Sometimes we both sympathize with the person, sometimes Rebecca is uncomfortable with him or she has no feelings. Then we stop talking or remain friends. We choose carefully and do not become partners with anyone until we find out well enough to decide that a person can be trusted. Because when a person becomes too close to us, he becomes close to all members of the "family". We care about her and do not want to offend anyone. Ruby, Gina, Jessie and Rebecca are parts of me, so I do not allow those who have bad thoughts about them to me. At the same time, there is a lot of freedom in the relationship, so that everyone decides with whom to meet and with whom not. It is important that no one feels the pressure and the need to be in love with each of the group. No one owes nothing to anyone. All the girls meet with us, but there is no need to meet with the others. ”
In the evening, Gina arrived and the fussing of the move began. While the three of them squeezed the sofas at the door, I tamed three cats and a super-ferret, whose name is Princess. After that, the four of us collapsed in the empty house on the mattress, ate vegan pizza and watched Deadpool on DVD. When a superhero girlfriend put a strapon in his ass, one of the girls exclaimed: "This is definitely the best shot in the film!" The rest, laughing, agreed, I, too. At the end of the film, the three of them wove together and sighed at a predictable, but dramatic, denouement. I wove a jar of ice cream and sighed in another corner. It was a bit lonely.
All night long, loud smacks from the next room prevented me from sleeping. (Ryan was embarrassed when he translated this sentence and said that they tried to be quiet and not disturb me.) In the morning I found on the table by the couch a little candy that he left for me while I was sleeping. It has become a daily tradition: in the mornings color candy or donuts with maple cream were waiting for me.
Ryan explained that half of the inhabitants of Burlington are in free polygamous or polyamorous relations. The first dredasty girl from the neighboring apartments became their first partner with Rebecca: “Even my mother meets men freely. She divorced her father, married again. Five years later, they broke up, and since then mom does not want a classic relationship. ”
Burlington is the largest city of Vermont, the most free-thinking in the United States. Vermont's motto: "Freedom and unity." Here, for the first time in the country, the government officially allowed gay marriages. Socialist Bernie Sanders, the most radical candidate (albeit ex) for the presidency, defending the rights of African Americans, the LGBT community, women and the legalization of marijuana, too, from here. Here you can wield any firearm and walk with it through the streets. At the same time in all ratings Vermont is one of the safest states, its inhabitants commit the least crimes per capita.
Ryan is the main social center for children and teens The Hub in the nearby city of Bristol. Every morning, he gets his "Harley" with the Captain America shield on the steering wheel and goes there. In The Hub, teens ride skateboards, chop at Counter, learn to play the guitar or drums under the guidance of Ryan. Employees tell teenagers how to avoid an avenue in a relationship, support LGBT teens, conduct queer lectures and help children from disadvantaged families. On the iron stand are brochures about relationships without emotional violence, about types of contraception, and sexually transmitted diseases. Somewhere nearby are free condoms.
In the middle of the spacious hall, a set of penalties was written on the blackboard for the delinquent: 5 – 15 push-ups for harsh words or name-calling, 20 - for homophobic, racist or sexist expression. Anyone who adds more 30 push-ups in total, leaves the center and can return only the next day. But Ryan says that teens are cheering and not pinching each other. Equality reigns in the toilet too: gaskets and tampons lie in a box labeled "Girlish Stuff".
At work, Ryan organizes shows of well-known hardcore teams: Straight Edgers Bane, Coke Bust, feminists Sick Fix and those in which he plays himself: My Revenge, Hunger, As We Were, Unrestrained. From the stage they talk about the dangers of drugs, alcohol, smoking, human rights and animals. Hardcore players buy entrance tickets for 10 – 15 dollars, and teenagers from Bristol go for free.
Bristol’s children consider Ryan to be a sidekick and trust him more than their parents. This teenage community he builds eight years. It is believed that because of tattoos, he can not be a public servant. But while working here, first as an assistant, and then as director, Ryan adjusted the work of the center so that the formalities no longer matter.
After work, we climb a mountain, offering stunning views of the hills and valleys of Vermont. Ryan tells me about Rebecca, the other partners and his view of their relationship. It seems too frank for a conversation with a stranger, but it does not press. On the contrary, you think that anyone who does not hesitate to talk so much about their experiences can also be trusted with everything: “I have four partners, but I don’t like to discuss this, especially with my friends. I don't want to be praised for not having one girlfriend. I hate these conversations in the men's locker rooms, when guys brag about who they sleep with and give each other five. Some of your friends are sure that being polyamorous is immoral. They consider themselves monogamous, but cheat on their girlfriends. The fact that we live this way does not mean that every evening, as at a competition, I choose which of the girls to spend the night with. They are not here for me, but because they like each other. I never wanted to go to strip clubs or similar places. I was there several times: I went into the first room for three seconds and immediately merged, and another time, Rebecca offered to go. She was delighted, but I do not think it is attractive. "
Rebecca works with children with disabilities, mostly autistic. She supervises one child a year or two and helps him socialize. She tells that she was able to help difficult children who are abandoned by other curators. Rebecca is a lesbian for the most part. Ryan says that all Burlington girls are falling in love with her. Getting to know her is a reason for any woman to doubt her heterogeneous equipment. A kiss with her becomes the first same-sex kiss in life for most of them: “Before I met Rebecca, I was a bad person. Constantly met with girls or guys, pretended to be monogamous and deceived. I wanted to be poly, but I thought it was impossible. Five years ago, when we met Rebecca, she said she wanted polygamy. Before that, she, too, was in a monogamous relationship and felt unhappy. In the first year we met openly. We slept with others, but then we realized that we wanted to be close with some people, both physically and emotionally. Rebecca likes women, and I have no right to limit her love and desires. There are no people who would not like her, she finds good in everyone. At first I thought that the fact that she converges with people and falls in love so quickly is dangerous. But then I realized that it was good for me. I grew up in a very abusive family and all my life I did not know how to find a language with people around me. Now I feel that it is easier for me to communicate and get close to people, although I am still shy and closed. I would be monogamous if Rebecca asked, but I do not feel that way. I am not proud of how I was. But I am proud of who I am now. ”
“I met guys, but they didn’t like the fact that I was attracted to different types of gender. Because of this, when I am close with men, I have to be vigilant and constantly check whether my emotional state is safe. ”
The couple met Jesse two years ago through Tinder. Her neat carriage emphasizes the delicate features of her face, her calm voice and manner completes the image of the canonical cold beauty. On the day of the meeting, she gave me a small set of face care products from the luxury cosmetics market in which she works. Jeanu couple met at the Burning Man Festival in the Nevada desert. She is vigorous, even hyperactive, almost every evening she goes to mixfight training with Ryan, and during the day she works as a packer at a transport company. It is always pleasant to chat with Gina, watching her hanging iroquois of rainbow colors dangling from side to side. When Ryan met Ruby at his second job, he considered her frightening. I also thought so - she has a very strict and focused face. Initially, she wanted to meet with Rebecca, she did not like Ryan. After some time on a walk with Ryan, she blurted out: "I love you," flushed and ran away - so it all began.
Ryan and Rebecca met with guys once, but they have to choose more carefully and fall in love with them harder than girls: “I met guys, but they didn’t like that I was attracted to different types of gender. Because of this, when I am close with men, I have to be vigilant and constantly check whether my emotional state is safe. I can’t open up to them as much as I would like - it’s alarming. Here polyamor rescue helps: there is a loving community nearby that will calm and support in any situation. ”
Distributing time between partners is difficult: like most Americans, girls and Ryan work two or three jobs. According to him, because of this, in the States it is difficult to even meet with one person and give him enough time and attention. In their case, each partner needs no less attention than others. This is one of the reasons why Ryan, Rebecca, Jesse and Gina moved into the same house. Now they see each other every day, eat dinner together, watch movies, but there is still little time for each other. Wednesday and Sunday nights Ryan and Rebecca dedicate to each other, this is the only priority. Sometimes Jesse says, “Hey, I need more attention,” then they go out to dinner or hang out together this or next day.
“To be polyamorous is to be able to tell others what you need and what you want. Jealousy is always part of polyamorous and any kind of relationship. Even if you are monogamous, you are still jealous of those with whom your partner spends time. But the point is how to use and show this feeling. When I or Rebecca is jealous, we ask ourselves: why are we jealous now? Is it my partner's fault or mine? If it's about me, then I have to cope with it, if it's on the other - together we decide how to be. The more you articulate, the less jealous and unreliable you feel. The biggest problem for us is that the vast majority of people in the States and other countries are violently prone to being monogamous. When we first started to be poly and discovered new people, we didn’t understand that some of us don’t fit. But this was the first experience, and we did not notice the warning signs: deception, jealousy or possessiveness. One girl wanted to capture our attention entirely. She was very jealous of even cats, and not only those to whom we were attached. ”
“Some wanted to try being poly - they thought it was cool and fun. We became attached to them, but then these people met a monogamous partner and left us, because the partner made them choose: either he or we. So we were thrown three times. ”
Ryan's second job is security at the bar. There we celebrated the "family" dinner the day when we moved things from the old house to the new one. Ryan stayed to work, and the girls and I went to a nightclub. Half the time Rebecca and Gina danced with me, and half interrupted, kissed and rubbed each other. I looked at the girls and thought: their wildness is natural and attractive. How did Ryan say there? “The girl thinks that she likes only men, but when she meets Rebecca, she begins to doubt.” I added it to the piggy bank of facts about the attractiveness of women and remembered a couple of movements. I don't know what the club tanned pitches in t-shirts and caps that surrounded us thought, but they also did not take their eyes off girls. Before going home, drunk Gina twisted in front of my face and rubbed my ass about me.
The last days in Burlington accompanied the soundtrack of the ringing sounds of slaps on the priests of Ryan and the girls, hourly declarations of love and compliments: "Damn, what are you cool!"; “Who has the sweetest ass? By you!". They said about others: “She is so beautiful!” Or “Wow, I would have fallen in love with her!”. Until now, I considered myself a man for Russia uncharacteristically open to everything new, but at such moments you feel like a gray mouse stiffened from awkwardness, like an aunt from the movie "Office Romance".
“At first, I thought that polyamoria is a sign of a consumer society: a person wants to have everything that he considers attractive. But now I am sure that monogamy is unnatural. The Bible, religion and conservatism, especially in the last few centuries, have shaped our approach to relationships and imposed a unique path on people all over the world. I do not believe in it - it is important to investigate what you are really located for. Time passes, and I check the theory of relationships in which we are now. And I understand that if you love a person as much as I do Rebecca, and at the same time you can still have feelings for others, then polyamory is a healthy way. People who are eager to consume others, will not stop nothing, including monogamy: they will deceive themselves and their partners. Polyamory - for those who like to share. I do not want to consume and do not want to own, I want to share everything in my life: love and experience with the people I care about. ”
In the remaining time, we were preparing each other burgers or pilaf, were cut into video games, until we fell asleep side by side with joysticks in our hands. Enjoyed the privileges of residents of Vermont and drove to the landfill to shoot at targets with a rifle and Ryan's pistols. At night, he sat in the room for video games in my basement and wanted to say something, but every time I was embarrassed to wake me up. Not that my presence deprived him of sleep, he just sleeps very little. On the last day, he left a letter on the table, in which he explained on four pages how important this meeting was to him. Ryan offered me six times to exchange a ticket home, help me find a job, stay with them for a few days, or go on a trip together.
Three hours before leaving the throat, he got a lump - Ryan became my friend, and it was important for Rebecca, Jesse, Gina and Ruby to get to know better. I grew up on the conservative phallocentric ideals of Russia 1990 and stereotyped Disney cartoons about one love for life, so this is not about romantic feelings for four girls and one guy.
Moreover, their frankness deprived the communication of intrigue and this repelled it romantically (Disney has nowhere without intrigue). I think this is also a part of the blunt post-Soviet worldview: the desire to suffer the unknown, to play at the mercy, to suffer - and only then to “earn” the right to enjoy the connection.
It's amazing what four people can teach, which change every day to make each other's life more comfortable and create a sense of self-importance for everyone. These days, for me, the stereotype that polyamorous relations are life and the problems of classical couples, multiplied by the number of partners, has collapsed. Problems arise, but when there are more than two of you, silence and cunning do not help, and everyone has to work on himself.
After departure, Ryan wrote that the girls fell in love with me, but hesitated to show or inconvenience. They need so little to fall in love with someone, how does it work? I arrived closed and gloomy, why did I fall in love? But how to suffer the unknown or suffer together? The last time Ryan wrote to me: “Rebecca wants to meet Russian women. We will come to you, install Tinder, and she will break all the hearts of this country. ”
And I'm going to come to Burlington again.
