Personal experience: how to marry a foreigner and not be disappointed
'16.03.2021'
Source: lady.mail.ru
Psychologist Nadezhda Kuzmina married a foreigner and moved to live in France. She shares life experience and psychological knowledge that will help avoid fatal mistakes.
The Western world has ceased to be inaccessible, mysterious and alluring, says Hope lady.mail.ru. Thanks to the opportunity to travel, you can remove the "rose-colored glasses" and discard the "Soviet" idea of heavenly life abroad. Still, marriage with a foreigner remains the blue dream of many Russian women.
I myself am married to a foreigner and now live in France. And here I was faced with different experiences of women who, like me, married a foreigner. Such an experience can be different, often full of disappointments and disappointed hopes. Life is somehow full of disappointments, but at least some of them can still be avoided.
Do not build illusions
And this, of course, will not work. Expectations, hopes, pictures of the future - all this accompanies changes in our lives, and such an event as marriage, especially.
But you can also fantasize in different ways. If the fantasy about marriage is a fantasy about getting rid of anything, salvation, and so on, then you should say to yourself: “Stop!”.
Moving to another country will create a lot of difficulties, add stress, and even more so will not relieve anything. And at the first difficulties that arose, there would still be no option to run away to a friend or mother, because they remained in another country. All relatives will be far away, and even on Skype will not always be available on the first call and demand, trite because of the time difference.
Yes, and the problems that you describe, in some cases they will not be very clear. Nobody canceled the difference of mentality. For example, I did not immediately get used to a completely different attitude to food, meal hours and small nuances that you see only when you are here, faced with traditions in general and an individual family in particular.
Do not rush
Relationships and marriage are complex and unpredictable. What can we say about marriage with a person who speaks another language. Meetings with which, by virtue of circumstances, are not as frequent as we would like. Acquaintance with which happened, for example, on the Internet, and there is no opportunity to look closely and get to know each other.
Here you should ask yourself how well you know the person with whom you are going to tie your destiny? Can you trust him completely? Can you live far from your usual circle, country, family? Indeed, in many ways, how the inevitable adaptation period for immigrants will pass will depend on the partner.
Discuss important issues before marriage
In this sense, marriage with a foreigner is not much different from marriage to a compatriot.
Issues related to finances, religion and the desire / unwillingness to have children should be discussed at the very beginning of the relationship. Ask, pronounce, clarify whether you understood what your partner means or not.
And here it is also important to take into account the possible language barrier! So as not to face such an unpleasant surprise as, for example, the need to share your family expenses.
I often come across the fact that Russian women perceive Western men as greedy and stingy. But here, in principle, it is not very common to give flowers, pay constantly for restaurants and indulge in all women's whims. And the point is not that the partner is a goon, he just grew up in a different culture in which it is so accepted. If you are not ready to accept this, then think three times before taking the crucial step.
Responsibility for the choice is your responsibility! Arriving in the country without a penny (without a single centime), you put yourself in a situation of complete dependence on the partner. For some men, this will give the opportunity to simply manipulate you.
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Learn the language and learn the culture of the country ...
... no matter how well you speak the language of the country you are going to move to. A language cannot be learned by reading classical or even modern literature, communicating with a teacher, who may even be a native speaker. This is not enough. You may even have an Izyaz diploma, but living everyday language is a separate topic. Slang, dialects - something that will have to get used to. And well, if your chosen one will wait patiently.
In general, a foreign husband has his own expectations and views on this matter. You can, of course, admire the determination of our women to go for a beloved (or not) man to the ends of the earth, never having been in the country, and even never having been abroad. But the reality is that you may not like the country, you will have to get used to the climate, mentality and style of communication.
For example, it still seems strange to me to kiss when meeting people who I see for the first time, but here it is part of the culture.
Learn the customs and habits of the local population, local values. All this will help avoid frustration. Gather as much information as possible about the country, and the great Internet will help. Do not get carried away by the Russian-language forums, as they do not give a complete picture. The stories told there remain a private experience, not yours.
Before you move, meet the family of your future husband, visit the city, the place where your chosen one lives, and answer yourself honestly the question: have you not strained or alerted you? Bear in mind that it is possible to move from a megapolis to a small city, and such a move can be very shocking. Shock, in turn, can greatly complicate the adaptation in a foreign country.
Understand why you need it
Honestly answer the question, why do you want to move to another country: in search of personal happiness? A better life for children? Or do you just want to “marry a country”, which since childhood you seem to be a heavenly place to live?
Thinking about work or education
Be prepared for difficulties and problems in this area. It is possible that you will have to rejoice at any job, including low-skilled. Be prepared to worry about the loss of status and the lack of a familiar environment. Here it can help, if there is strength for this, a desire to learn something new, to master new professions.
If I haven’t scared you too much (believe me, I didn’t have such a goal), then, given the moments I’ve touched here, your relationship can be promising and strong.
Indeed, in the peculiarities of the mentality of your future spouse there are many advantages that can be seen, if you are not afraid to accept the reality as it is!
