The article has been automatically translated into English by Google Translate from Russian and has not been edited.

Playground conflict - how to help a child

Elizaveta Lubleva

Doctor of Psychology


The "playground" theme is extremely relevant, especially when we are in a different country, respectively, in a different culture. Parents do not understand exactly how to behave, and they have a natural desire to do everything and look perfect. But is it worth it?

Фото: Depositphotos

“I want this dump truck!” Said my son, picking up a toy in the playground, his eyes shining with admiration. He was 1 year and 5 months old. The truck was great, I admit, with chrome parts and hinged cab doors. Ten minutes later, the owner of the truck, a boy about 4 or 5 years old, ran up and grabbed my son's car. “Is it possible for the boy to play with your truck?” Asked mom who came to us in time. “No,” was the answer. Now her hand was on a huge dump truck. My son does not need this toy, and I said about it. However, she was not about to retreat. “He needs to learn how to share with others,” she said and unscrewed the dump truck from her toddler's hands, handing it to mine. Then she left, leaving the child to sit on the sand and cry.

All childhood we were persistently inspired by parents and society as a whole, that it is necessary to share with a friend or simply familiar to everyone, even the last. Only now, more and more parents are wondering whether it is worthwhile to take away a toy from their own at the first request of an unauthorized child, so as not to appear ill-mannered?

What happens to the inner world of your baby

When a child turns a year, he gradually learns to delimit the world, begins to understand what belongs to him and what to mom and dad. His toys, clothes, things that he likes are like a continuation of his world, of himself. Therefore, children are so sensitive to the fact that someone wants to pick up something that they consider their own. For a child, it is as if taking away a part of him!

Should our children share toys with others? This question arises in every family. Most likely, parents are concerned about the social skills of the child: Can he find friends, fit into the company, if he behaves this way? Does not share or takes everything from others without asking. Or it scares us that the child looks as if ill-mannered in the eyes of strangers.

Parents are often embraced by the feeling of guilt imposed from outside, which arises without an adequate reason, but due to the fear of the image of their own parents to be a bad mother, inept and so on. Then the inner voice is ready to condemn us endlessly for blunders and failures (often made up by ourselves). Therefore, it is very important for us that our child remain “good” in the eyes of other people. Because then we are good. And if our child does not meet the external assessment, if he is greedy, or does not want to make contact, share, then we somehow didn’t bring him up. So we are not good enough parents. And this guilt makes us often go against our feelings and needs of our child, but meeting other people's expectations (again, often not objectively).

When we force our child to share his toys, not even wondering if he wants it or not, we raise a child “comfortable” for those around him.

“Comfortable” baby, what does it mean?

This means that he will grow up into a comfortable adult who will take care not of his own needs and the needs of his family, but of how others perceive him. Often these “comfortable people” cannot say “no” to others, even when what they are asked for is to their detriment. Often, “comfortable people” suffer from the fact that they do not know how to distinguish between their desires and feelings - they do not know what they really want. Such people can only grumble about the life and injustice of others. Where is their own opinion?

Forcing a child to share (by forcing rather than offering him), we raise him with a feeling of lack of choice and with the feeling that whatever he wants, it will still be like someone else needs.

There is also a back reaction of the baby: everything is taken from him on the playground, he remains without toys and is silent! And it incredibly outraged daddies, especially boys. And in this question again concern for the future, that they will offend him, and he will not be able to stand up for himself. Often this question arises from parents when the child is 1-3 of the year. Children still do not have a joint game, where it would be worth helping each other and, possibly, sharing. The fact that they are in the same sandbox or on the playground does not mean that they have a common game.

At this age, the games are manipulative: children carry cars, roll ducklings, put sand in a bucket, kick the ball. They do not consciously interact with each other. What would it mean to share a toy? Give your own. It is still difficult for a baby to understand that this is for a while. How difficult it is to appreciate that the toy you like is alien. Thus, what scares the parents in the behavior of the child does not correlate with the age characteristics of the baby. The child is not greedy and not an invader, not a nurse and fully educated for his age.

Фото: Depositphotos

What if the baby does not want to share?

So what to do if a child conflict is ripening on the playground and one of the kids is about to get hysterical? How to mother settle the situation?

No.1 Have the children take turns playing

Instead of simply giving your child a toy, invite them to play one by one. Learning to play one by one is a good skill that can help you a lot in the future. Talk with children loudly and clearly, looking into the eyes of the baby, squatting better. Do not shout, and do not fall into hysterics!

No.2 Have the children change

As a rule, moms and dads go for a walk or visit with a bag of toys. In this case, you have the opportunity to change with the boy whose machine or paddle will certainly want to test your child. In 90% of cases, this tactic helps to reduce the degree of tension and distract both kids. New and alien is always more interesting.

№3 Give your child the opportunity to independently get out of a conflict situation.

Almost every mother sees a conflict between children as a potentially dangerous situation for her child. It can push, hit, bite or something like that. But sometimes children behave differently when they have no spectators, and when there is no mother around, who, according to the first squeak, will begin to punish the “offender”. Sometimes, when children are left alone with each other, they seem to understand the need to find a common language, somehow resolve the ripening conflict on their own and learn to play together.

Feelings and meanings of parents

Before you begin to deal with the conflict on the playground, you must be aware that the meaning of the actions of the child we attribute to adults. He can exchange or not give others his own, and he is a greedy person or a clever person - this is the meaning that parents attribute. With the child, everything is in order, he is guided by his emotions and gets the experience of the game when there are other children around and interesting objects that may not give. How can an adult help a child survive the experience of failure? Introduce and house rules. For example, that not all items can be taken (father's phone, knife, mother's lipstick), even if you really want to. Stop an interesting game, because it's time to go to lunch.

If a child has certain rules, it is easier for him to put up with rejection. For example, the rule “we do not take someone else's without asking” or “to start playing with other children, ask if you can join the company”. This is TRAINING SOCIAL SKILLS, learning to communicate and make friends. When someone's toy or car, gurney, whatever lies on the site. Of course, the child will be upset, but you can hug him, say that you, too, wish you could take it. Show sympathy for the baby's feelings, for him it really is grief. Then you will very quickly see the result of your work.

The child does not like it if someone takes his toy without asking. Distraction works best when you offer your child an alternative to a much more interesting one - roll your bear on a swing, or pull a typewriter down from a slide and check which one will be the first. As a rule, the mother of the kidnapper of the toy quickly turns on your game. Adults copy the positive behavior of other parents. All the above rules will begin to work only if they are consistently and traditionally used by close adult children. Relatives should also clarify that in your home, as well as on the playground, there are strict rules for the behavior of both children and adults. And be sure to ask your child when you take his things. Be warned that you will remove the toys, pay attention to your work.

Our children still have many new challenges ahead that will teach them how to interact with the world. But our task as parents is to always remain on their side.

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I wish good luck to everyone!

Your consultant in the world of psychology Dr.Liza

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