A complex that happens to everyone: how not to break the fate of a child
'16.05.2018'
If your baby is from 3 to 6 years old and he is jealous of a parent of the opposite sex, and sometimes declares that he will “marry his mother” or “marry his father,” you should know that the Oedipus complex has looked into your family. It must be lived through correctly and not to make mistakes that can affect the further fate of the child. And, yes, you need to start not at 3, but much earlier. For example, you can't walk around the house half-naked, even with a half-year-old child. All our “why's” have the answers from a psychiatrist from New York, a doctor of the highest American category, Vilora Spitznik.
What is the Oedipus Complex?
Oedipus complex is a concept introduced into psychoanalysis by Sigmund Freud. It denotes an unconscious or conscious sexual attraction to a parent of the opposite sex and ambivalent feelings for a parent of the same sex. It develops at the age of 3-6 years, more often from 5 to 6. Absolutely every person passes through it. If father and mother behave correctly, the child grows up healthy psychological and sexually, and in the future will be able to avoid obstacles to establishing relationships, family education and the desire to have children.
Oedipus complex in boys
A boy at this age is strongly tied to his mother, feels a sexual attraction to her, is jealous of her dad. And at the same time, he develops anxiety that for this he will be punished by his father and may even be subjected to castration.
“As the baby grows and matures, he begins to understand that his father is stronger than him and he cannot do anything with him,” explains psychiatrist Vilor Shpitalnik. “At this stage, his only emotion is fear. The next stage of development is when the boy identifies himself as a man. As he grows older, he already acquires moral principles, realizes that dad and mom are his parents, they should be together, and everything else is not the norm. "
Oedipus complex in girls
The girl during the Oedipus complex unconsciously envy the boys that they have a penis, but she does not. There is a huge affection for the father, including sexual.
“But she has a fear of losing her mother,” explains Dr. Spitalnik. - She goes through this stage of development and ultimately identifies herself as a woman. Then she understands that when she grows up, she will marry and have her own children. "
As a consequence of the Oedipus complex, the girl retains her affection for the pope for a long time, as a model for a man. She dreams that in the future she will find a man who looks like her father.
The consequences of improper passage of the Oedipus complex
The various conflicts in the family witnessed by the child can make the passage of the Oedipus complex wrong. These can be sexual harassment, abuse, physical and emotional trauma, humiliation. If this period proceeds in an unhealthy manner, then the identification in children is damaged and impaired.
“Many men then become either pedophiles, or unsure of their sexual orientation, or people with manifestations of various neuroses,” says the therapist. - If the mother constantly hits the child, he has a complex of low self-esteem and subsequently he can completely obey someone. Or, for example, a girl grows into a woman who will always dominate and be cruel to her children. She develops difficulties in establishing relationships with men. "
The behavior of parents in the period of the Oedipus complex
How to make sure that the child goes through the Oedipus complex normally? First, adults are kindly treated - without physical or emotional punishment. Naturally, behavioral boundaries should be established and moral values instilled in accordance with the age of the baby.
“If a father puts his daughter on his knees, then she has the idea that he is attached to her, that not only a feeling from her side, but also from him in relation to her,” says the expert. - She interprets it that way. If dad, knowing about the Oedipus complex, tries to keep the girl at a distance, she can regard her as rejection of her as his child. Therefore, the golden mean should be chosen here. In any case, there should be at least some distance between father and daughter, because this period is rather short, it lasts a year or two, maybe a little more, but it is very sensitive. And it needs to be done in a healthy way. "
Secondly, it is necessary to patiently explain that the baby will grow and will develop like a boy (or girl), and this is inherent in any child. Must be a good attitude. It is necessary to see that everything is fine in the family.
“If there are any conflict situations, it is desirable that the children are not witnesses,” the doctor explains. - It is very difficult to endure the divorce of parents, especially during the Oedipus complex. It is necessary to make sure that both parents are in the life of the baby. In general, divorce is difficult at any age. And it leaves a mark if it happens before the child reaches 13 years old. "
It so happens that love and a reverent attitude reign in the family. And some children have an aversion to tenderness between parents. Why it happens?
“It's jealousy,” explains the psychiatrist. - For example, if a husband hugs his wife in the presence of a boy, and he comes up and says: "Don't touch mom!" The boy thinks that his mother should belong to him. "
What can allow adults in front of a child? Dad can hug mom and show that they have a stable family, parents who love him and live as one. But more than a little hug or kiss on the cheek, nothing else to show is undesirable.
“And it’s better if mom comes up to the girl in the presence of her husband, hugs her, picks her up and kisses her,” advises the Spitalnik. - Just like dad will do with a boy. Father and daughter must keep at least some distance. He can take her in his arms, hold her and immediately release her. There should be no prolonged physical contact. You can't keep on your knees for a long time. It must always be emphasized that she is a girl, that she will grow up and be a woman. And with all their appearance to show that they have a parent-child relationship. "
Adults should not forget about their appearance, they are obliged to carefully monitor it. No walks around the apartment "without pants" or "in a bra", even if you are in a hurry.
“It is impossible to appear half-naked in front of a child,” the doctor emphasizes. "Let the child be only six months old, but it is not known whether he understands it or not."
Correct passage through the Oedipus complex leads to the fact that both the man and the woman develop healthy in psycho-emotional and sexual terms - people capable of having a relationship and a full-fledged family.
About expert
Vilor Spitnik - Psychiatrist, doctor of the highest American category. He graduated from graduate school in Moscow, where he received the degree of candidate of medical sciences, and then continued his education at Columbia University in New York.
