What it feels like to be the wife of an alcoholic in America
'18.03.2019'
Anna Volodina
I am an ordinary woman, one of you. I live in America. I work. I sent this letter to the editor of Woman ForumDaily to share my experience with you and help those of you who were or are about to find themselves in a situation like mine.
When we met many years ago, my husband drank like everyone else. Then, periodically, he began to drink so that I felt embarrassed for him, and he laughed at me and said that he was in control and I was exaggerating. Then the drinking became regular, and he kept talking and saying that everything was under control, and I was a gendarme, I just didn't let him live a normal life.
We began to visit less often: friends began to invite us less often, I myself began to avoid feasts. I was beginning to guess that he was an alcoholic, but I could not believe it, and since my family had never had such problems, I realized too late. Although ... honestly, it is unlikely that this professionally made diagnosis changed anything.
Most alcoholics, if they admit that they are sick, DO NOT WANT TO BE TREATED. Exactly. Until roast cock bite.
9 years ago, I found a test on the Internet: “Ask your husband not to drink for a few days in order to understand whether he has this problem or not.” It was already clear to me without a test, but my husband was sure that I was just picking on it and trying to build it, and he could stop drinking at any moment. If he wants.
The test opened her husband's eyes. With amazement, he realized that he could not drink. Bidding began with myself: “I will drink so much, and I will not do it again. Hide from me, bottles, money, credit cards, go to the stores yourself so that I don’t look at all this wine. And we will not go to visit: everyone drinks there ... ”.
I hid money, went to the shops myself, we poured him a dose of brandy "for a week." And ... the lies started - I started to find empty bottles, torn receipts for whiskey and vodka in the bushes around the house and under the seats of our cars. Each time I found myself guilty: I looked wrong, said something, did something wrong.
Home coming was scary. When he drank, he understood little. The sons had grown up and separated by that moment.
I could no longer bear it, it became really dangerous to be next to him. Going to the park late in the evening, going to the cinema alone, going to your friends and stressing them? ...
On one of these drunken evenings, I went and went to fitness, bought myself a membership. At first it was just a place to spend time, and then I realized that swimming in the pool, sauna and exercise soothed and put me in order. This is how my recovery began. My leaving for fitness did not go unnoticed, and my husband thought. After all, I stopped making scandals and demanding that he stop drinking when he was drunk. I just got into the car and left and returned calm and strong. But alcoholism is a serious illness, and the need to drink turned out to be stronger than the fear of losing a family.
I continued to insist on his treatment. He resisted. I lost weight, put myself in order, comprehended the basics of meditation and became stronger. Alcoholism developed according to the classical scheme: an increase in the dose of alcohol, personal degradation, problems with work, in communication with others, police calls, being in prisons, etc. I was ashamed to leave the house.
Neighbors did not like shouts from our house and police sirens at night, but they, thanks, were good people and tried to support me more than once.
Once the ice broke. My workouts, meditations, and conversations with a psychologist helped me to stop considering myself guilty about what was happening to him, and an insurmountable desire to not live in this nightmare began to grow in me. And my husband understood that.
He agreed to be treated. Having tried different methods, we found a specialist who coded him. Since then, he does not drink.
7 tips that I would like to share with women in this situation.
1. Ordinary regular drinking may be alcoholism. Be carefull.
2. If you have small children - think about them more than about what you will be left with if you leave an alcoholic. Children don't have to suffer. It is your duty to protect them, and then think about your destiny. In no case involve children in a showdown with a drunk husband. This is unlikely to affect him, but the child's vulnerable psyche can be traumatized and cause a lot of complexes and problems in the future.
3. Persuasion, pleading, demands, control, blackmail will not help. You need professional treatment. Complex. Try, seek, fight, but remember: your husband is an adult. You cannot force it. He must be responsible for himself and make decisions.
4. Try to tidy yourself spiritually and physically. Physically strong and balanced, you will be able to better help him and yourself. And make the right decisions.
5. You are not to blame. Whatever you do, you don't pour alcohol into it. This is his decision and choice.
6. Do not drink a drop anywhere and never, starting from the minute when you finish reading my post. And give an example, and feel much better, believe me.
7. It is possible to recover from alcoholism. This I tell you. I am the one who went through this hell. Preserving herself and her family and saving her husband from a terrible disease. Trust me, it's worth it.
And yet, I understand those who leave, saving children, saving themselves. Children are sacred, and they should not suffer. But remember that alcoholism is a disease, and it is much more difficult to cope with it alone, and after all, when we marry, we take a vow - “in sorrow and in joy”.
Forces you and good luck. I believe in you. You can.
