How to conduct a conversation in English: the rules of courtesy
'28.03.2021'
Source: School of Life
Suppose you were in the company of Americans, you were introduced to several of those present, and one or two people seemed quite congenial to you. How to continue dating? How to carry on a conversation so that it is pleasant and memorable?
Goodwill remains the rule number 1. Use every opportunity to make people smile. Leo Tolstoy wrote: "Possessing a sense of humor makes it easier to experience the absence of everything else," quotes School of Life... Start the conversation with a joke, defuse the atmosphere - and you will be sorry to let go!
Tell the truththen you don’t have to memorize everything you said (joke). Avoid false modesty and the other extreme: bragging (boasting). Otherwise, you will no longer be trusted in the conversation. In both cases, you are trying too hard to make an impression. The less you try to like it, the more you like it, because the core is felt in you.
Do not interrupt. Perhaps you are afraid of forgetting your thoughts, hurry to agree, try to fill an awkward pause, have many different reasons, but still remember that it is indecent to interrupt the interlocutor. If you come to your senses too late, apologize: “Excuse me for interrupting. Please continue. ”
Be able to stop in time. You, probably, met people who speak in a circle, constantly repeating the same thought in different words. This is called rambling. If you are late and instead of a simple explanation (“I am sorry to be late. Traffic was terrible”) you start developing this thought ad infinitum, others will get the impression that you are inventing all this.
Ask questions and listen to the answers. Thereby you show interest in people. A person can forgive a lot, but it is difficult for him to forgive someone who by all appearance shows that he is bored with him. There is a concept: icebreakers. These are questions that can open an easy conversation:
- Are you a morning or night person? (Are you an owl or a lark?)
- What do you do in your free time? (Your favorite activity?)
- Who is your hero? (Who is your hero?)
- If you made a movie about yourself, what would it be? Comedy or drama? (If you were to create a film about yourself, what would you have: comedy or drama?)
Be sure to respond in response. It is better to say "Now that's interesting" (This is already interesting) than the indifferent "Oh really?" (Is it true?). If you notice that you are asked too many questions, such as “Tell me more” or “How did you feel about it?”, Ask the other person: “And what do you think?”. Thereby, you reorganize the interview in the normal conversation mode.
Do not use people. If you are introduced to a lawyer, doctor, etc., restrain your impulses to get a free consultation. This is how your questions about your health problems or litigation will be received. Avoid the common mistake of people who have something to say: do not dominate the conversation. Any conversation is a joint work. If you are accustomed to tie all the attention to yourself, your problems or your achievements, try to change. Everyone should be able to "flash."
Do not discuss the appearance of others. It is advisable to avoid any comments on the topic of appearance.
Firstly, such comments do not contribute to the development of an interesting conversation. They often drive the conversation to a dead end. For example, a thin girl: “You are so thin. I am jealous. " (How thin you are. I envy you.) Or a tall person: “How is the weather up there?” (How is the weather above?). Or pregnant: "You are absolutely enormous!" (Well, you are huge!). It is difficult to respond differently to the tactless beginning of a conversation, except to get away as soon as possible ...
Secondly, it is unsafe. The other person can hear what you didn’t mean. For example: "She looks good tonight!" (Today she looks good). Only today? A in the phrase “Nice dress. Dark is thinning ”(Beautiful dress. Dark color slims) is heard that this person’s bright dress will no longer fit, those times are over.
Third, your first reaction is to judge you. And if you first make a comment on the topic of appearance, it means that the person himself is not so much interesting to you as his appearance. So you are a dummy. For example: "She is prettier than I expected." (She is prettier than I expected.) Of course, you should not draw attention to yourself, forcing others to compliment you: "I never wear blue, just today." (I usually don’t wear blue, but today I’m wearing it).
In short, comments on the topic of appearance does not contribute to meaningful conversation. It is better to turn to the man himself than to his facade.
Do not spread gossip. It has long been known: "Stupid people talk about things, mediocre about people, and clever about ideas." Try to transfer the conversation from discussions of common friends to other rails. If a person returns to the topic, you can stop it:
- I do not need to know that. I don't need to know that.
- Is this private information? Is it not very personal?
- Do not believe everything you hear. Do not believe everything you hear
- I don’t listen to that sort of thing. I do not delve into such matters.
It is sometimes difficult to draw a line between the spouse and the person who is genuinely interested in the fate of his neighbor. Then ask yourself three questions from the primary school textbook “Golden Rules of Communication”: “Is it kind? Is it true? Is it necessary? "(Is it good? Is it true? Is it necessary?). And if the test is successful, support the conversation.
Keep in mind topics that are not negotiable. There are certain taboos in every culture.
For example, in the Middle East, it is not customary to discuss business issues until you get to know a person quite closely. In China, you can directly ask a question about the salary, but not touch personal life. In the US, it is not customary to discuss sex, politics, and religion. If you do not know a person, in no case recommend him how to choose the right partner, raise his child, which church to go to, and which party to vote for. Income issues are also not discussed publicly. Leave these questions for conversations with close friends.
It is not necessary to bypass sharp topics because you are afraid to come out with an open visor. Just think about whether to get involved in a long and unnecessary argument, because you will not be able to convince a person who is determined to stand to the death. Civilized conversation is an art, and it is desirable to raise such topics that will lead to a mutual exchange of views, enrichment of knowledge. Therefore, raise questions that you are interested in and not end you investigated. Communication will be fruitful and really interesting.
How to get away from unwanted topics:
- Yes, it's all very interesting, but I would like to ask if you could help me resolve one dilemma ...).
- Whatsever. Do you like ??? (It's nice to talk to you, only I am absolutely not interested in politics. Do you like it ???).
- Thank you for sharing your personal beliefs. I made my choice long time ago. (Thank you for your frankness in matters of your faith. I made my choice a long time ago, and am very happy about that.)
Be able to argue politely. Russian temperament often makes itself felt. Do not lose composure, smile, move away a little to the side, do not cross your arms and incinerate your opponent with a look.
Use phrases:
- Not everyone sees it this way. (Not everyone looks at things like you).
- There are two sides to this ... (There are 2 points of view ...).
- I understand your point of view. Here's what I think ... (I understand you. But what I think ...) - Is that always true? (With no exceptions?).
- Are you sure? I heard it differently. (Are you sure? I heard otherwise ...).
If instead of discussion there is a destructive exchange of opinions and insults, better to stay:
- We'll have to disagree. (Everyone stays with his opinion).
- I have to go soon. (I have to go).
- Let's discuss it some other time. (We'll speak another time).
Any conversation can be spoiled, but you can fix it. Following the rules of politeness and speech etiquette, you will always win.
