How to save a family in America: three tips from experts from Silicon Valley
'12.03.2021'
Source: Business Insider
When the preparations for the wedding are over, and then the wedding itself, you cease to worry about which flowers to choose for the bouquet and how not to stumble to reach the altar.
Family life begins, and, quite possibly, you will want to hear really important and valuable advice on how to make the family happy and save the marriage, writes Business Insider. The editors decided to ask these questions to the experts on family relations, married ... to each other.
Peter Pearson and Allyn Bader, Ph.Ds who run the California Couples Institute and who work with many Silicon Valley business couples, boast years of relationships, conflict resolution, and respect for one another — something they teach others.
The experts gave three main tips:
1. Choose a decision-making strategy
Before you plan any important family project (for example, you are going to buy a house or make repairs), determine your decision-making strategy. There are three options: the sole decision, equal opinions and 51 / 49%.
Sole proprietorship means that the decision is made by one partner, and there is no need to coordinate it.
An equal opinion implies unanimity in a decision - only if both approve.
51/49% is the most interesting option, and often much more effective: one of the partners (51%) gives the final “okay” to the decision, and the second partner (49%) trusts him, but the first one necessarily takes into account the opinion of the other.
In the example of a home renovation that can be a source of conflict, it makes sense for 51% of the partner to do most of the work. For example, he can choose taps or a color palette. It is easier and less conflicting than it seems, and the second simply says: "I trust you and rely on you in this project and your load on it."
2. Know the “why” in your relationship
Pearson and Bader have different views of the mess. Pearson ignores him, while Bader cannot stand sloppiness and chaos. The only way to find a compromise was to achieve a certain level of disorder that was acceptable to both. And remember “why” you do it or not.
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It is important for each couple, in their opinion, to ask themselves questions about whether their behavior and this particular problem fit into the larger, wider picture of what they want to create in their marriage. The “why” varies from pair to pair. It is important to know what exactly you are creating - be it peace and quiet, happiness, personal fulfillment, and decisions should be made based on this.
3. Listen to your partner with sincere curiosity.
Pearson says this is one of the most difficult points, even for people who are already attending relationship training. Going back to the clutter example, besides asking “Why are you such a slob?” Ellin could say, “You seem to have a very relaxed attitude about the disorder,” and then ask something like, “How did your family deal with it? ? "
This requires a lot of emotional involvement and even editing of your feelings, it is important to put your ego aside and be attentive sincerely listening to your partner and trying to understand his motives. The result will surprise you - really productive communication and a noticeable improvement in relationships.
