How to recognize psychological abuse in a relationship?
'24.04.2017'
What is physical or sexual abuse in relationships, many women know. But there are other ways of violence that are veiled under bad temper, jealousy, or self-centeredness.
If you are forcibly detained in your house, your keys or your phone are taken away, your documents are taken away from you, physical harm is threatened, your movement is restricted or you are prevented from leaving the premises or entrance, loud shouting, hitting objects or breaking dishes in your presence - this is all moral and physical violence aimed at intimidating, crushing, paralyzing you. The partner believes that since he has not even touched you with a finger, then there is no violence.
There are more subtle ways of moral violence, which are very difficult to recognize, since they look like ordinary minor troubles in relationships. In such methods there is no rumble, shouting, strikes or broken dishes. Let's look at the most common types.
1. Alcohol addiction
Here you can also include card games and drugs. If your partner regularly spends part or all of his income on his dependencies and at the same time puts you under pressure or danger every day, this is psychological violence.
- Yes, I drink, I want, I need. (I am sad, lonely, the weather is bad, I relieve stress - any wording is suitable as an excuse).
The partner in this case does not think about what kind of tension creates in the house, in the family, in the relationship. The constant smell of fumes, the inability to predict behavior, instability of mood - all this puts pressure on the person who is nearby.
2. Torture with a look
You ask an innocent question about changing plans for the evening, or report that you have a meeting with friends on Friday. In response - a closer look at you.
- Something is wrong?
Your partner continues to burn the hole with his eyes. Usually at this stage, women get scared and start making excuses, trying to explain their decisions.
- Well, you wanted me to go out with my friends more often?
What is usually followed by the accusation that you shifted your responsibility to him and misinterpreted his words. And, actually, it is. Because the partner does not mind. And if you begin to find fault with his gaze - then it will turn into a quarrel in which you will still be guilty. Because with this gaze he has already made you doubt what you are doing or are going to do.
3. Arctic cold
You report that this weekend the trip to his parents is canceled because you have other plans. In response, you hear “okay” or “good”, but the voice is ice-cold, eyes like blocks of ice. And you understand that the plans to change are absolutely impossible, otherwise you will find a public spanking.
4. The game of "oh, I did not hear"
You ask questions, but you receive answers partially or selectively, depending on what information your partner wishes to share with you. Classic:
- Where are you going?
- I will come soon!
Answer the question so that the answer is heard, but without meaning.
- Darling, what do you want for dinner? - Fish and salad.
- Why did you lock yourself in the bathroom with your phone yesterday?
He does not respond. If the next question is about the weather, he will answer again.
This is a partial disregard. Even if you insist, most likely you will not get an answer, but the scandal is quite likely. Together with the accusation that you find fault with the words, put pressure on your partner or speak so quietly that he did not hear your question, and now you are offended.
5. Gas jetting
Very cunning word. The term itself is derived from the name of the film "Gas Light", in which the husband presented the young wife of a madman in front of relatives and friends. He so skillfully manipulated that he even made his wife doubt her sanity. One of the easiest ways to gas-lift is the phrase:
- I didn't say that.
You agree on something, for example, that your partner will pay the bills. And after some time you find out that they are not paid. And in response you hear:
- I didn't say that I would pay for them. I agreed that they should be paid. But why me?
And even if you are confident on 100% that you have agreed that way, your partner will insist that this was not the case.
Gazlighter will twist the situation and dialogue so that you doubt your own right. You catch him in a lie - he claims that he did not say anything like that. If he persuaded you to do something, he would later say that it was you who decided on him, and he is not related to your decision. In order for the manipulation to be well hidden, the following questions usually follow:
- Are you feeling well?
- Are you all right?
- What is wrong with you?
In combination with the first item it looks even worse. A person in a state of intoxication tells you terrible or offensive things, and then he claims that he could not say such a thing.
This method of manipulation works during love. A man positions himself as strong, mature, caring:
- I will solve all your problems.
- Don't think about it, it's my concern.
- Trust me, your beautiful head shouldn't be filled with such complicated things.
After some time you will find yourself in a relationship, where everything is decided for you and against you, where your own opinion does not matter. Moreover, you yourself will also be to blame for this, since you have obeyed.
6. Guilt
Guilty without guilt. Your partner reports that because you were late at work yesterday, he missed an important business meeting because he was at home with the children. You did not go on a weekend visit to your parents, and one of them fell ill. You did not buy any products, and your partner was left hungry. Because of all this, the partner doubts that something serious will come out of your relationship. The whole range: a suggestion of guilt, an attempt to shame you, blackmail relationships. All this is intended to make you apologize for what you did not do or are not guilty of, and promised to fix everything immediately.
7. Ignoring, silence, disappearance
You have discussed some topic, and the partner suddenly stops responding to you or gets up and leaves the room. Naturally, you are trying to figure out what happened. In response, there may be absolute silence. In a few hours or even days you can hear something like:
- You yourself know where you were wrong.
Или:
- Disassemble our conversation into components, analyze it, then we will talk.
And you start to wind the tangle of everything said, sorting the whole conversation into separate small parts, wondering what could have hurt your partner from all that was said. Another option:
“I know what you did.
You can break your whole head to try to understand what you did, when, with whom and so on. In fact, the only goal is to make you feel guilty.
8. Programming your actions
- Good wives always greet their husbands with a delicious dinner.
Или:
- Good girls never ask stupid or uncomfortable questions.
And from personal experience:
“I never ask for anything twice.
You want to be loved, you want to be a good wife and a good girl, and you submit. In fact - this is a manipulation. A partner programs you to those actions that are beneficial to him. It doesn't matter if you have time to cook dinner, as you also work. But good wives must keep up.
9. The victim is not you, but he
- You do not appreciate me at all (do not respect, do not listen, do not love).
And you have to prove that it is not. Or have you applied any of his favorite ways of manipulating him? As soon as the partner understands that blackmail does not work, he begins to put pressure on pity. Or worse, tearfully begging for forgiveness, swears that these are all circumstances, and he is simply a victim of these circumstances, and you simply have to forgive him. And after that, it all starts over.
10. Pretend to be sick
The situation is at an impasse, the quarrel hung in the air. The victim is not amenable to any kind of manipulation. Then your partner pretends to be sick. And you feel ashamed that you are scolding a person who is already so bad, difficult and unbearable. And all the words he said - it is the temperature.
The goal of any moral violence is to manipulate another person. And if the physical is manifested in certain actions, then the moral and psychological is often hidden under politeness, seduction, and cunning. For your manipulator, you are primarily an object, not a person. And even if you start to catch manipulations at every step and directly inform your partner about it, he will not stop doing it. Most of them don't make layered plans on how to get you to obey. It is a way of communication and a way of communication. If you are in love, financially or psychologically dependent, you are open to the manipulator. If all of the above does not work, pressure will be used. Or alternating ways of manipulating and showing love and care. Today you are to blame for the fact that your partner left without an umbrella, and tomorrow you have a bouquet of flowers and a romantic dinner. Due to the alternation, many women calm themselves down:
- Well, he loves me so much, and all these nit-picking and silence games are in nature.
A pair of manipulators can be both male and female. Although more often the victims of moral and psychological violence are women.
Remember: the moral abuser loves himself first and foremost, because he builds relationships as he likes.
