How to survive the first year in exile, not to despair and find yourself: personal experience
'28.04.2021'
Source: SNC Media
In terms of stress, psychologists compare emigration with divorce or a serious illness. Lena Sai, living with her family in Berlin for several years, shares with SNC Media secrets of psychologically competent relocation.
In the first year of emigration, the load on the psyche is enormous. It is necessary to reconcile at the same time and accept the loss of old ties, the loss of a habitual way of life, and quickly integrate into a new life. Now, 1.5 years after the move, our life has more or less settled down and has entered a rut.
Recently, my friend, preparing to move, asked: what was the most difficult in the first year? “The most difficult” - the concept is too personal, for everyone it will be his own. But the ways to cope with this “most difficult”, to go through adaptation and acclimatization in a new country with minimal losses, are quite universal. Here is what helped me.
1. Take with you to a new country things that give strength
When we thought which way we would move, we went over all the possible options. We sell everything in Russia and fly to Germany with two suitcases, buying everything you need on the spot. We send all the most valuable and beloved cargo transportation on the plane. Or we transport everything that fits in a truck. We chose the third option, and then I became convinced that we were right! We flew to Berlin, the next day my husband went to work, and I was left alone with the children, a cat and boxes of things for the whole day in an empty apartment in an unfamiliar country.
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I was absolutely confused and depressed. I did not know German, did not know our area, was afraid to go to the store, and there was no question of going down alone in the subway. At that time, I really supported it ... things! I read to children aloud the books I read to them in Russia, slept in my favorite pajamas, knead the dough for pancakes in the bowl my mother gave me, hung our family photos and my embroideries on the walls, and gradually warmed up and straightened my shoulders.
2. Closely monitor your basic needs
Sleep, food, sex. For me it is also a heart-to-heart talk with my husband. The first months after the move are the hottest in terms of bureaucracy. You need to draw up a huge amount of paper. And each new piece of paper is more urgent and more important than the previous one.
Registration - without it, you can’t get to the kindergarten, school, or register “children's money”. Insurance cards - what if I or the children get sick? Find a place in the garden, deal with the school. Plus endless letters in German. The stress level at this stage can really be overwhelming. In order not to break loose, you need to treat yourself as carefully as possible and put yourself to bed in time, tasty feed and pamper.
3. Look less at others, listen more to yourself
Before moving, I collected information on the Internet for several months. It seemed to me that the more I read other people's stories, the less I would make mistakes. But when you take someone else's experience as an example, the temptation is great to go on a strange path, which does not suit you at all. For example, all my new friends and acquaintances in Berlin first rushed to learn German. Which, of course, is logical if you do not know the language. But I didn’t know.
Without German, I couldn’t just enroll a child in school or fill out some papers, I couldn’t even buy what I needed in a supermarket! And the first weeks it was always such a lottery upon returning from the store: what did I buy - baking foil or bags for school breakfasts? Hair mask or styling gel? Without a tongue, I felt terribly uncomfortable and helpless. But the courses have not yet gone. First of all, I found myself a small, almost symbolic, but still work. The second thing - signed up for fitness. And only six months later I went to learn German.
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Although the temptation to be like everyone else - “everyone ran, and I ran” - was great. But at that time I honestly asked myself what I really want now. Not by logic, but by heart. And the answer was - work and sport. I think it was precisely the fact that I almost immediately after moving found a job here, got ridiculous, but still the very first real euros I earned in Germany, helped me not to get depressed then. And I think that there is no need to talk about the benefits of sports for an emotional state.
4. To develop a new city - gradually, step by step, circle by circle, expanding geography
I started from our porch. I baked cookies, braided a braid, put on a kokoshnik, dressed up the children and went along the porch to get acquainted with the neighbors. Well, there was no kokoshnik, but everything else is true! I was terribly afraid of our German neighbors (I had to read the Internet less, yes) - because I didn’t know the language, because only pensioners live in our house (and here we are wild emigrants from Russia with children!), Because I read and heard different horrible stories about neighbors and a showdown with the police.
So I decided to “go on the offensive” first - with the memorized phrase “Hello! We are your new neighbors from Russia! ” After this awkward but sweet performance, I seemed to have appropriated our new home. Then we gradually developed our area - playgrounds, a post office, grocery stores, household chemical goods stores, second-hand stores, hairdressers, and Turkish fruit shops. And after 3 of the month I suddenly realized: I already found everything that I need for a comfortable life.
5. Find your place of power in a new city
Probably everyone has such a place in the city. A place where you feel good. Which fills you with power. Where you want to come alone in a difficult period and where you bring friends from another city. In Berlin, such a place for me was a fragment of the Berlin Wall, turned into the East Side Gallery open-air art gallery.
6. Keep in touch with old friends
We now have so many communication options - the Internet, Facebook, instant messengers, Skype, webcams. Try not to get lost with your friends in a clutter of affairs and new experiences. At first, the lack of communication will be enormous, and the support of friends will be invaluable.
7. Ask for help
It is very important to understand that you are in a difficult and vulnerable position. And if you feel that you can’t do it yourself, be sure to contact a specialist for help.
