How gasliders manipulate women and who they are
'24.01.2018'
Source: Air force
The lawyer from Greg is only 28 years old, but he has had a serious relationship 11 times. He says that they all ended in betrayal on his part, and after that his girls lost confidence in themselves. Greg is a gaslighter.
GazLighting (from the name of the film "Gas Light", eng. Gaslight) is considered a form of psychological abuse when false information is intentionally presented to the victim. The goal is to make a partner or partner doubt their own memories and their perception of events.
“Now that I remember all this, it is very clear to me that I was gaslighting - slowly but surely influencing their perception of reality, forcing them to question their judgments,” he says.
Now Greg decided to openly talk about his experience in order to lift the veil of what is happening in the head of the gas lighters and help women recognize the signs of consciousness manipulation.
Greg learned about his abilities during a psychotherapy session. He recalls how he started relationships with girls: he was 21 for a year, he studied law at the university.
Paula was 4 years older than him and was already completing her master's degree. Greg describes their relationship as "romantic but unstable." He soon began to have sex with other women on the side.
However, Paula was a shrewd girl and soon realized that Greg was cheating on her. To continue to change and maintain the relationship, Greg said, he needed to “change her reality.”
He began to grope for techniques and methods by which Paula could be manipulated, laying the foundation for the future of lies to look more likely.
“Paula was very smart, and I knew that traces of my infidelity can be found in the digital space, on social networks,” says Greg.
He says that he started making jokes about her "obsession with social media" every now and then, making Paula wonder if her suspicion might indeed be unhealthy and could lead to insanity.
“I deliberately used abusive language to make her lose confidence in herself, in her perception of the situation and me. I told her that she was paranoid, that she was insane and too dramatic, ”he recalls.
“I said all this as if as a joke, but over time there were so many such jokes that she began to believe me,” explains Greg.
The desired effect has been achieved. Paul, who had recently suspected him of infidelity, began to argue out loud about the fact that perhaps she had no doubt about him in vain, and, apparently, her prudence had left her.
Although Paula still had some doubts, according to Greg, she began to doubt her own prudence, apologized to her and promised to spend less time on social networks.
Another tactic that Greg used was to discredit women. Some of them Paula never saw - they were the ones with whom he cheated on her. Others were her friends.
“I presented everything as if these women - those who could actually lead me to clean water - should never be trusted, they constantly lie. And despite her own prudence, despite all her feminism, at some point she began to believe me and dislike the women I told her about. Even if she met with them and had the opportunity to make sure that they are not at all such monsters as I painted them. "
“I gradually isolated her from those who told her the truth,” admits Greg.
After parting with Paula, Greg began another relationship, then the second, the third, and so on. His girls were completely different - with different backgrounds and different personalities - but the script was the same every time.
“There are two things that distinguish people who get gaslit — and people, because men are no exception,” says psychologist George Simon, author of the world bestselling Who's in Sheep's Clothing? How to recognize a manipulator ”. - The first is consciousness. These are conscientious people, usually doing the right thing and therefore trusting - after all, they themselves are also trustworthy. "
“The second quality is complaisance, general goodwill. When you want to be nice to others and maintain friendships. And you don’t want your love boat to crash for some totally unreasonable reason. ”
Greg claims that all his women were united by one more, third quality. They were all smart and successful. The irony of fate, he said, is that it was this that made them easy prey for gas lighters.
“I met a doctor, engineer, famous blogger. My personal experience does not confirm the widespread opinion that it is women who are vulnerable, defenseless who are susceptible to gaslighting. These were quite successful women, but this success was accompanied by a specific idea of what a successful relationship should look like - and this idea was common to them. They seemed to be giving me instructions on what they are looking for in a man. "
All these women, he says, approached relationships as well as their careers: they had a set of necessary qualities, often drawn from popular movies, and high expectations.
They wanted to have intelligent conversations spiced with caring charm and humor. In addition, they were looking for a man who would be as successful as themselves - with a good job, an apartment and without financial problems.
“Maybe because I'm a lawyer, I could always find a compelling excuse for the inconsistencies in my girls' stories and convince myself that I'm a good guy,” explains Greg.
Recently, Greg spoke about his experience to one of his friends, and in response, he also admitted that he was a gas lighter.
“My friend is a writer, so I think he’s very good at making stories,” says Greg. And he adds that if he could give advice to female victims of gaslighters, the advice would be: Discuss what is happening in your relationship with a male friend.
“Women often tell their friends what they want to hear from them. And if a friend is telling the truth, then the friendship can deteriorate sharply if the woman is already under the influence of an aggressive partner. For some reason, women accept the truth better from friends than from girlfriends, ”he explains.
“I've always been wary of my ex-girlfriend's male friends. They often recognized the background to my behavior, and loyal friends never sacrifice friendship, ”admits Greg.
Greg says that nothing forced him to go to a psychologist and seek professional help, he just began to get tired of his own behavior. And although it cannot be said that he was completely cured, he certainly took the path of correction.
