How to be happy if you are 40, and you have neither a husband nor children
'12.05.2021'
Source: Womo
Journalist Emma Gray discusses No One Tells You This, a book by Glynnis McNichol, in which we find an honest account of how being unmarried and childless at 40 might “officially be the wrong answer to the question of whether what a woman should live for ”.
When I was little, before starting to read a book, I looked at the last page: will there be a happy ending? Is it worth reading? Unfortunately, with life, as with a book, this trick will not work, the author quotes Womo.
Standard Female Happy End
If you are a woman, you are for 30, you are not married and you have no children, then your life is like an unfinished story. It is full of interesting opportunities and, at the same time, monstrous anxiety, because the “correct” life of a woman is when she gets married and has children. However, sometimes my unmarried and childless life seems like a triumphal procession. I am a professional writer, as I wanted to be, I live in a charming apartment in Brooklyn with a friend who I know 20 for years. I have a lot of real, true friends and even too many invitations to weddings, engagements, christenings, graduations, bachelorette parties. I have a decent income that I can spend on what I like and it seems important: for traveling, shopping, restaurants. That is, I must be very happy.
Glinnis McNichol says that we hear too few stories about the lives of women like her, like me, because the fact that there is no husband and children in life is considered a flaw that needs to be corrected on the last page.
But there are plenty of important questions for us, those who, alone, have stepped into “for 30”: can I afford a separate dwelling? Is it clever to take a loan for an apartment? Will I ever get married? Do I want to have children? And if so, can I be without a man who will be there? And in general: are these the most important questions for me? What does a happy ending without a wedding and children look like? What does a “well-lived life” look like at a certain age, if these two points were not even defined as goals?
Sad lonely lady
Glynnis McNichol spent her fortieth year exploring how a successful, free, and childless woman can “suddenly” stop being considered as such and why it is wrong. “A sad lonely lady puts herself in order and finds the man of her dreams” - this is a classic story. “A happy lonely lady who fights, dreams, loves, experiences uncertainty and success remains a happy lonely lady” - the plot is much more unusual.
But after all, in fact, unmarried and childless women are much more than anyone thinks, this is true for millennial women and representatives of generation X.
In 1960, about 60% of Americans aged from 18 to 29 years were married. Today, that figure fell to 20%. Americans later marry and give birth, if at all give birth.
We are a force in a professional, political and social sense. Therefore, our stories should also become a force.
Difficulties and joys
The McNichol book is not about “I don't need a man, so you all went,” this is a very honest book. It starts from the day of birth, when Glinnis turns 40 and she feels that everything that made her interesting, worthy of attention, and was considered potential, will turn away when she reaches the age of 40. The book describes the next year of life Glinnis. She travels to Toronto to help her pregnant sister and take care of her mother, who has Parkinson's disease.
A press tour, about which she learned at the last moment, leads her to Iceland. Vacation in Wyoming, which gives the opportunity to devote time to self-knowledge. She also has a beautiful, complete, difficult, happy life in New York. Through the history of McNichol, we see how good and how hard the life of a modern woman can be, for which we see so few models.
Glinnis McNichol shows that the sad lady is not made by her life, but by the way society puts pressure on her.
It is hard not to have support in caring for sick or elderly parents, it is difficult to withstand comments in the spirit of “you still have time to meet a good man.” It’s hard to realize that your best friends are getting married and therefore your friendship is no longer a priority.
Life goes on
In a world that is constantly trying to push women together and shove them into the framework of archetypes, McNichol demonstrates that resistance to caricature roles can be a gift in itself. She understands that at some moments it would be easier for her if there was a partner next to whom you can rely on.
She hears how honestly her friends, who have these partners, speak with her. And here's a surprise: a partner and children do not make life easier. She's just different.
We have the ability to imagine how wonderful and free the lives of others are. But almost all women received education, which tells them: “You did something wrong, you should have been like your friend, otherwise, then you would be happy.”
I read the McNichol book, and it was like a breath of fresh air. I realized that if my life will continue to work as it is now, then this is normal, and sometimes even magical. Better than a beautiful life can only be the life that you consciously chose.
