How Americans go on dates and build relationships
'06.12.2017'
In the US, the relationship between a man and a woman goes through several stages before they can be called serious. When I first arrived, I did not know these gradations and nuances, what caused the awkward situations, and even led to the fact that one of the guys, who terribly liked me, escaped from me, flashing heels of fear.
It was a windy, gloomy October evening. I and O. slowly and blissfully sipped "cabernet" from the glasses, in the fireplace Union hall in Brooklyn the fire crackled comfortably, and from the speakers came Radiohead "Crepe". This was our second date. We kissed continuously, like teenagers, in our palms hitting the current from inexplicable chemistry, which arose even at the first meeting. Then I looked into his eyes the color of dark chocolate and realized that she was gone.
I wish I was special ..., - Tom York mournfully drawled.
I wish you were my boyfriend, - I blurted out, looking O. right in the eyes, and right there the ceiling of reality fell on me.
O. as if changed. He was all embarrassed and shrunk. He said it was very early to talk about it. It was not clear to me why it is too early, if we already meet every week, and this is what I would like to continue to do, which I hinted about. Starting from that very ill-fated evening, O. began to fear me, he said that he was not ready for a relationship and soon ran away.
And only after a while I realized what was wrong. Now I remember that conversation, and the hair on my head is moving. Now, not only would my language not have turned to say that to a new "date", but I myself would have considered the guy who suggested a relationship on the second date slightly inadequate. And God forbid to confess love earlier than in a couple of months - this is generally mascara light.
But back to the stages. It turns out that before a man and a woman become a boyfriend and a girlfriend (boyfriend and girlfriend), if it happens at all, it can take a very long time for simple dates (dating). Relationship status implies commitment (commitments), the lack of connections with other partners in the dating, as well as, in principle, you see yourself with this person in the future.
You cannot be considered as a boy and a girl automatically until you both have discussed it, you have not come to an agreement. Prior to such a conversation, you can meet for months without obligation, in parallel meeting with other people.
Although, I still do not understand. It is even somehow insulting to meet a person, sleep with him, spend weekends and holidays together, and still present yourself as a friend to friends and relatives. But Americans are very serious about obligations, and for the most part, they don’t rush to accept them until they reach solid age.
So we have here what stage of the relationship.
- Dating
- Boyfriend and gilfriend
- Engaged
- Married
There are, of course, exceptions and alternatives (for example, friends, benefits, open relationships, open marriage and so on), but in general, the scheme looks like. So do not be surprised if the guy with whom you regularly meet 2 of the month will answer questions from friends and acquaintances that he does not have a girlfriend, but he does see someone.
Another aspect of relationships is money. It is absolutely normal to talk openly about money, your financial capabilities, discuss the cost of gifts to each other in advance and even put them on the list, carefully left in the store.
“I wanted to give you X as a gift, but it cost a couple of thousand dollars, so I changed my mind,” is an absolutely normal phrase in a pair.
"Friends, I invite you to birthday, a list of gifts in the store Jimmy Choo", - the usual text of the invitation card or letter. Or: “Come to my party, the menu is attached, the restaurant is such and such, the cost of $ 150 per person plus tips, an additional bar at your expense.”
Yes, it is and it is normal here. Our man would burn with shame, demanding money from a guest for a feast in an open letter or pointing out a list of gifts. It is much “more pleasant” to get as a gift what is unnecessary, for which the guest will still spend the money (breaking his head), and which then you will not know where to go. Not always, of course, so sad, but still I support Americans in approaching gifts for all 100. And so full of worries, to still suffer from misunderstandings.
In the restaurant pay in every way. They can divide the check in half, they can in different percentages. A couple of times the guy offered me to pay 40% check, or pay in half, but he gives a tip.
Some men pay in full, especially if they are in love, and sometimes women pay, without a sense of diminished dignity. It is always fun to watch friends or couples start seriously swearing and fighting for who will pay the check (everyone wants to pay), they shout to the waiter at all (Come back !!!! Take my card), sometimes they run after the waiter on the way to the toilet and the sly whisper are asked to take their card until a friend sees.
In such cases, a friend who was not lucky enough to pay, is terribly offended by the waiter and his neighbor on the table and makes faces.
It's funny, once I met a guy named Christopher, he paid for me, “because the Ukrainian girls are so used to it,” and told me that at the beginning of a relationship, it’s normal to pay, but how it will become more serious - every man for himself . I scratched my turnips and said that we had the opposite. Even then, I realized that we would have nothing with Christopher, but finished it off by asking me to help me, a newly arrived immigrant, to rent an apartment. Since then, I have not seen him.
Now I remember and giggle. And then it seemed to me, "Well, that's what it is," why not help? Our man would help. And you know what? I am still sure that ours would help. And not only WOULD, but my Russian friends helped me repeatedly in difficult situations.
By the way, in the USA it is absolutely convenient to discuss your salaries and ambitions, to set up netoring in every place: at the bar, at home parties, on the streets. About how I managed to find a job directly at another job, I will tell in another article.
I would also like to tell about relations in America - here people respect the borders of each other and personal space more. Most often, if you answer that you are busy, then you will not be trying to find out where, with what and with whom. Work - a good reason not to see all week. In America, the majority are workaholics, and no one will blame you for it. Also, you are unlikely to push, if you do not want something. As they say, there is no court.
On the other hand of this double-edged sword, if you are ill at home, then around you wanting to help will be zero point zero, you will want a speedy recovery, and they will appear when it gets better. With moral issues the same thing. Do you want to ponyt - pay the psychotherapist.
On this I have everything. Have a good relationship.
