How older parents adapt in the US
'05.07.2018'
How to cope with anxiety when moving to another country, if you are for 60? What method will help to master a foreign language faster? How can children who brought their parents to the United States build relationships with them? Is nostalgia at home always a consequence of a wrong decision? We talked about this with Vilor Shpalnik, a psychiatrist who developed a unique system in the treatment of disorders such as neuroses, depression and obsessive states.
Role selection
It is very difficult for people who have taken part in their professional activities and have formed a certain social circle, moving to a permanent place of residence in another country is very difficult. But if circumstances develop in such a way that change is inevitable, you need to be prepared and try to make the new life as comfortable as possible.
“I know very elderly people who came here and confirmed their profession in mathematics, physics and even medicine, despite all the difficulties,” says psychiatrist Vilor Shpitalnik. - On the other hand, I met quite young people who could not do anything just because they were notorious for losing the status that they had. They dropped their hands, fell into depression. Some of them started drinking alcohol in order to extinguish negative feelings. "
How to help yourself to adapt and learn to enjoy every passing day, despite the so-called "life from scratch"?
“A very important point: the role must be prepared there, on the spot: what will I do, can I return to my profession,” the psychiatrist advises. - If not, will it be possible to master another? Or will I be content with the role of a pensioner? Here I am respected, they know, there is someone to communicate with. Wouldn't it be a disaster for me to lose my status? All this must be decided for yourself in advance. "
Language
The most common question for people of any age: “What about English?”. Of course, in old age it is much harder to master it. You are lucky if your children and grandchildren are with you. To learn a foreign language at the elementary level, to communicate, perhaps even in 85. The main thing is your desire.
“It is very important for adults to listen,” the expert recommends. - To all my patients who are trying to learn the language, I say: listen as much as possible. It is very easy, now there are a lot of possibilities. "
Recipe for nostalgia
There are cases when people aged, having moved to another country, began to experience constant nostalgia that prevented them from adapting to a new place.
“The situation is this: no one has canceled nostalgia,” explains Shpitalnik. - And it is present in many, especially the elderly, because they lived their lives in that country, did a lot for it, received some status there, they still have friends, neighbors and so on. When patients come to me and cry that everything is different here and they feel lonely, I work with them in such a way as to draw their attention to the main thing. I tell them:
“Put everything that you see negative (loss of status, foreign language) and positive on the scales. You came to a prosperous country with your loved ones, saved your family. Do not be shy that you are a pensioner. You have done a gigantic deed - you have brought up children and grandchildren - a generation that is working for the good of a new place of residence. You are a worthy and respected person here. You will see, the positive side of the scales will outweigh significantly. "
It should always be remembered that social activity is a defining moment for emotional health. We are people, the need to communicate is inherent in us. Everyone can find friends or companions of interests and habits. A very important factor in emotional stability is the various Adult Day Care Activities where they meet, share news, and go on excursions.
“Of course, if children take care of their parents, they will also create some comfort for them: they will take them somewhere on vacation, see some interesting places in neighboring states, invite them to visit for a weekend so that they can be with their family,” says expert. - Old people cannot be left alone. The family is defining. "
Fathers and children relationship
If parents blame the children for having transported them to a foreign country, then the response should be as follows. First, do not be offended. If you begin to respond to them and swear, then they, in turn, feel more lonely, rejected. And then many of them have a state of despair, they are cornered and do not know what to do.
“It works in their minds that they have lost not only what was there, but also their children,” says psychiatrist Vilor Shpitalnik. - In their depressed state, this is perceived as follows: not only did we donate and come here, but the closest ones do not respect us and refuse us. Children must understand: parents are different, they are not the same. Remember this.
We must be careful with criticism and try to do without mutual recriminations. Patiently interpret your mom and dad that they are sacred to you, that you love them and will constantly take care of them.
Of course it takes time. It cannot be that today the parents boarded a plane in Moscow and flew to Kennedy Airport - and are immediately happy. The adaptation process requires a lot of efforts from different sides: family, state, people who can provide psychological assistance. These are solvable problems. "
About the expert: Vilor Spitnik - Psychiatrist, doctor of the highest American category. He graduated from graduate school in Moscow, where he received the degree of candidate of medical sciences, and then continued his education at Columbia University in New York.
