What to do and where to run if you are still not married
'30.11.2018'
If we say the phrase "unmarried forty-year-old woman" in Japan, Europe or America, then it will not cause any emotions and associations. This does not diminish the dignity, because the person is perceived more as a person. If you say this phrase in the post-Soviet space, you will hear a lot of interesting things: unhappy, careerist; if she is beautiful, then she is also a bitch, so "all men run from her." Or one more feature of recent years - "she has not pumped her femininity enough." What is the real problem and why do many girls set a super goal for themselves - to get married? We talked about this with the coach and author of the course for women - Rina Pushti.
URGENTLY I WILL LEAVE A MARRIAGE!
Let's immediately indicate: we do not say in this article that the family is something unnecessary. On the contrary! But on one condition: if it develops not because “it is necessary”, “so accepted” or “I am lonely”.
What is the situation like? A woman, in most cases, is still assessed by the presence of a man next to her. And to be with him, she must be affectionate, submissive and know the whole Kama Sutra.
As a result, in most cases, we see such a picture. First, the girl in every way seeks to marry, unhappy, that is not there. Then becomes a wife, other problems appear. She is unhappy again. And then the question arises: is marriage really a panacea?
“If you look deeper, several centuries ago: it was not in vain that the daughter was given with a dowry to make her attractive,” says Rina Pushti. - The girl was not a support for the family. Previously, they survived at the expense of agriculture, they needed strong hands. Now they are more self-reflecting than working. Women in this regard were in the position: in order to arrange life, I must be comfortable. They were taught all sorts of things that would lead to a successful marriage. If we rewind a little further when the men were chasing mammoths, it will become even clearer why a woman needs a partner so much - because he is a breadwinner. Then they could not take a credit card and go to the supermarket. It was necessary to take the spear in hand and go hunting. There was a question of survival. Times have changed. Unfortunately, the stereotypes have remained. We do not view women and men as separate individuals who can choose to be in a relationship or not. The society still has a different idea. "
Let us remember the Soviet films: the continuous propaganda of marriage, patience in all situations and the frightening twenty-fifth frame of the label “loner”.
the movie "Moscow does not believe in tears":
“But let him marry first, then you will tell him everything”;
“In a year: I got used to me, she adores the child, she cannot imagine life without me, she will also ask for forgiveness”.
Divorce in the USSR was considered immoral, even the newspapers published the names of those people who divorced. It was a disgraceful board, because "it is not accepted."
“For this to happen, there must be a good reason: you are beaten or your husband is drinking,” says Rina. - And if you are young and beautiful, it doesn't matter what awaits you there in marriage, but you must get married. The Soviet Union propagated that it was necessary to run down the aisle by any means. The family is the social unit of society. There were a lot of unfortunate women who endured. Now it has become freer with divorce, but the desire to get married by any means remains. "
What does this mean in our time? About the mentality. In the end, women will no longer be assessed by social status and the number of children. Will perceive it as a person. Millimeter steps, but the movement in this direction goes.
“So far, a woman in her 40s, her self-sufficiency, is assessed by whether she is married or not,” the expert explains. - Similarly, as it used to be in adolescence - by having a boyfriend. It's a shame that women at thirty and forty sincerely believe that something is wrong with them. "
The very motive of the act “married at any cost” comes from the position of internal low self-esteem, when a person is not self-sufficient. That is, in order to feel happy and confident, I need someone.
“I would like to put an equal sign: those girls who turn on the radar and are in an active search are no different from alcohol addicted people,” says Pushti. - They are male dependent. To feel beautiful and successful, I need HE. But as soon as you pick up the bottle, there is a rollback - breaking, because you need a dose. And again all life is in black light. "
FAVORITE FOR MALE DEPENDENT
With whom can the relationship be formed with the one who really wants to get married? With the same uncertain. If I am co-dependent, then I need the same one who is clutching at me with a death grip and, having caught it, will feel itself self-sufficient.
Another point that, in principle, can also be called a stereotype: the craze for plastic surgery and its appearance, which often knows no boundaries. For whom are women trying so hard? Of course, for men. So that "catch" the desired contingent.
“Yes, indeed, in most cases, they choose by their appearance - to have something to show,” Rina explains. - It doesn't matter what's in the head, the picture is important. This is an attribute. And he speaks of the man's low self-esteem: I am affirmed because I have such a gorgeous girl. Women attract those who feel their fullness through them. And if she meets a self-sufficient man, and the lowest self-esteem, self-doubt, he will not be interested in her. "
WHAT ARE NEEDED AND DOESN'T NEED RELATIONSHIPS?
We come to the conclusion that it is worth dealing with ourselves. And to be honest: what is a relationship for? If there are answers at the level “so that I have someone to talk to”, “to be loved and to love” - this is the first sign that a person needs someone to get rid of melancholy, to feel love within himself.
“If it’s great with yourself and you want to be in a relationship, but there is no need, this is an adult position,” the expert says.
RELATIONSHIPS AS A BUSINESS PROJECT
Is it right to treat relationships as a business project? This is not a cold calculation, but a common understanding: why is this for me and what will all lead to.
“There are no rules,” says coach Reena Pushti. - Everyone chooses his own path. If we look at a person as a person, without gender factors, then, of course, partnership is the key to ensuring that the relationship is healthy. When you and I have equal conditions, we are able to voice our desires aloud, talk about them in an adult way, making common decisions, forming and creating a union. In America, marriage contracts are the norm. Approach relationships like a project. We certainly do not impose a projection: you are a man, you must. Ask how he thinks. He may think, for example, that you should cook the first, second, and third for lunch. It's okay when you talk about expectations and goals - are you looking one way or not? "
Marriages break up after three years. The first years the amount of love hormones maximum. Then he declines. If you have built a relationship only on a spark, there will be a household question.
“You need to put aside the attraction and think about how you will live to old age,” recommends Pushti. - What will you create for each other? Why do this? For check? Then honestly admit to yourself and cross this item from the list. "
SUMMARY
There are different cases that prove what state a woman enters into a relationship. The losing option is from the position of an unsure woman.
“How to avoid this? - says Rina Pushti. - Engage in self-esteem: hear yourself, understand your values and needs, what is behind them. Only in this case there is a chance for a healthy and fulfilling relationship. "
About the expert: Rina pushti - existential coach, author of an online course for women to find themselves and their vocation.
