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Why Americans are in no hurry to marry and what they expect from 'our' girls

'31.08.2021'

A source: Tut.by

“New York is the best city for singles and the worst city for starting a family” - this verdict to the Big Apple was made by the heroine of the cult TV series “Sex and the City” Carrie Bradshaw. I cannot but agree with her.

Photo: Shutterstock

This is a city of personalities for whom — whether you approve of it or not — career and the consumption of pleasures come to the fore. Men see marriage as a restriction on the ability to consume: women, services, travel, tells the portal Tut.by Belarusian Alisa Ksenevich, who has been living in New York for five years and even wrote a book about this city.

There is a girl - great! But it’s better if everything happens, as in an advertisement for car rental services from the New York subway: “It's like owning a car without all the sucky parts”. "Sucky parts" - This is an acquaintance with parents, a wedding, buying a house on credit, small children, an aging wife, boredom and monotony. Whether it is a matter of non-stressing rent, the object of which is a sweet, comfortable young lady who does not ask unnecessary questions.

Ask New York men if they need a wife and children.

They will convincingly prove that black is white and white is black, and it is your ideas about the family that are abnormal and outdated. You will have nothing to cover this reinforced logic. And if you want to challenge their opinion, be prepared for an intellectual assault. Three out of five residents of Manhattan have completed or incomplete higher education, one out of four graduated from the magistracy. The concentration of educated people here is the largest in the United States.

Women, on the one hand, have someone to choose among, and on the other, there is no one to choose from, because among these ambitious male-oriented intellectuals, one or two have been counted off. What remains for women? Consume men in the same way that they consume women. Without plans for the future and true peace of mind.

The situation when a woman has close relationships with several men at once is quite common - friendship is with someone, someone is on Fridays with someone ... At the same time she is faithfully protected and does not exclude the possibility of a happy marriage. In the meantime, much love has not met, you can stay "Friends with benefits" - for good health.

If a couple lives together, then both are usually paid for the apartment. And for food ordered to the house, too. And it happens that one partner earns much more than the other, but the expenses are still divided in half. What seems to us blatant stinginess in New York is an ordinary thing. Going on a date with an American, one can never be sure that he will pay for dinner, even if he himself invited him. Men do not feel embarrassed when women pay for them, and women do not get offended if men offer to divide the check in half.

On the subject: Why Americans are in no hurry to marry

In domestic terms, gender equality is strictly observed. Food at home is rarely cooked — it is cheaper and faster to order dinner by phone than to cook the same thing from groceries purchased from the store. There is not much furniture in the house - nobody keeps sets in the closets, books are electronic for a long time, however, clothes still need to be ironed, but laundries do an excellent job with this function. For general cleaning, they invite a cleaning lady. 70 dollars - not so much money for two working people to argue because of whose turn to scrape off the bathroom.

Where are the residents of New York looking for the married men?

In the same place where they spend most of their free time: on the Internet. Dating sites are usually paid, and the higher the fee, the better the sample. Judging by what New York men write about themselves in their profiles, it is important for many of them that the girl is educated, well-read, and career-oriented. They are looking for clever girls rather than beauties. So if your English isn't good enough, be prepared for the fact that it won't even make it to the first date. Americans are straightforward people. They will talk to you by phone and send a message like: "Sorry, baby, there is no chemistry between us!"

The second pitfall in the seething river of New York acquaintances will be the question: "What do you work for?"

Be sure they will ask it one of the first! Men in New York are very different from those Americans who write themselves Russian brides on the Internet, hoping that a quiet farm life with exits to a local pub with the broadcast of football matches is exactly what lonely beauties from Eastern Europe are looking for.

New York men are interested in: a) the identity of a woman, b) her social status. Whether there is a child, whether there was a divorce in the past is not so important as whether she is able to provide for herself and can pull a mortgage. In the country of the victorious feminism, an entire generation of men has grown up who do not consider it necessary to spend on their women more than they spend on them. Which insults the statement that a man, creating a family, should be able to provide it. Their desire to take care of and support extends only to children.

However, apart from cash bills, you can see some positive aspects. For example, men choose women of a wide age range. Here you rarely see "daddies" with young companions. The envy of a man's friends is more likely to be caused by an accomplished woman with a tennis club membership card than by a young maiden with an Eastern European accent without a certain kind of activity.

My 25-year-old friend somehow gave me a chance to read my profile on a dating site

The age preference column indicated “22-42 years old”. I almost choked on my tea when I got to this place!

- And how old was the oldest woman you met thanks to this site?

- Thirty four years. What are you looking at? In your opinion, if a woman is older, then she cannot be attractive? We would still meet with Laura, but she wanted a family and children, but I see the point in doing what I like, and having children is not included in my life plans.

Then it dawned on me. Yes, I have a discriminatory mindset! Well, this is how much I in Belarus had to hear enough about “old”, unclaimed women over thirty, so that, without realizing it, I could judge the attractiveness of women by age! How much longer do I have to live in New York to stop counting the years, wrinkles around my eyes and the chances of a successful marriage, instead of just enjoying life in the here and now?

Last Christmas we celebrated with the family of the advertising director and owner of a catering company. Both are under forty, he has sons-the same age from a previous marriage. She has a protracted divorce proceedings and an active civil position. He is a prominent, well-groomed man. She is a wimp in glasses, with small breasts and lush vegetation on her arms. However, the longer I looked at them, the more harmonious this pair seemed to me. She enthusiastically talked about how, after Hurricane Sandy, went to work as a volunteer on Staten Island, and he looked at her so thoughtfully and admiringly that there could be no doubt that he loved her very much.

On the subject: What you need to know when marrying an American

Russian girls in the marriage market - a product of unclear purpose and dubious quality

Many are suitable, interested, admire, but where will you put it? Expensive! Not functional! In New York, I accurately isolated from the crowd of compatriots. There is something in appearance, in a look, - tenacious, self-satisfied and a little impudent. In the manner of dressing on the verge of call and bad taste.

“My main concern about Russian girls is that they take everything for granted,” says Eric Jones, 37-year-old designer and designer of store interiors.Victoria "s Secret". - I did not hear words of gratitude from them, I did not feel that they appreciate my attitude towards them. Russian girls are open to entertainment, they know a lot about food, restaurants and know how to enjoy life. It is interesting to talk with them, because their views on life are so different from ours. They have a very sensual, natural beauty. Starting from the physique and ending with an accent. If I venture to meet once again with a girl from Eastern Europe, I would like to not only give, but also feel a return from her.

Intellectual property expert Paul Fushino, in his 33, knew quite a few women from Eastern Europe. With two of them he began a serious relationship.

- Tatiana, unfortunately, suited the conventional wisdom about what to expect from a woman from Eastern Europe. Beautiful on the outside, but ugly on the inside. She believed that the whole world should revolve around her, while making minimum efforts to achieve what she wanted, expecting that I would provide her with a “beautiful life”. I didn’t strive to get an education, find a job. Once during a ballet she drew me to her and in a whisper asked me to give her money for shopping. Not the best woman to date, let alone spend the rest of your life with her. So I broke up with her.

Katerina was the exact opposite of Tatiana

Smart, well-read, with two higher educations. She was keenly interested in culture, painting, music, she could talk about a lot of things (she was fluent in English, although she always doubted her). Kate was a fantastic girl and took care of me, and I was pleased to give her flowers and gifts, which she never asked for, unlike my other Ukrainian friend. I think if it were not for the distance that separated us (she decided to continue her studies in another country), we would have got married.

My former manager's daughter has skin the color of milk chocolate, blue eyes and wheaten African American curls. Mother girls - Polish girl. The father is African American. Sheriff Upchurch does not hide the fact that he has a weakness for women of Eastern European type:

- It doesn't matter to me what country the girl comes from. Men are looking for love. They may admit it or not, but deep down, everyone wants to be truly loved, both in joy and in sorrow, with any material wealth ... When there is love and trust, does it really matter whether she is Russian or American? Much has been said about the beauty of Slavic girls ... What beautiful eyes they have! The Russian accent, again, is very sexy! We do not live together with the woman who gave birth to my child. The only thing that unites us is a child. She is not particularly eager to teach her daughter Polish, but I insist - I want her to know her roots and her mother's native language.

Marina was almost thirty when she won the green card and emigrated to the USA from Belarus

Almost immediately Marina registered on a dating site for men with “serious intentions” with girls from Eastern Europe. One of the most persistent fans turned out to be a middle-aged African American from Atlanta. Despite the distance separating them (more than 1000 km), he flew to her almost every weekend, since he could afford it. From the very beginning of the relationship, it was about plans for the future, family, children, about the fact that Marina needs to prepare to move to Atlanta and enter college (she wanted to master the profession of an ultrasound specialist). For several months everything went fine, but closer to the date of the planned move, communication began to decline. They planned that Marina would move to him in Atlanta and start her studies there. When the girl began to collect documents for applying to college, the man advised her not to rush, save money and think about everything.

He kept saying that he wanted to get to know her mother, ask for Marina's hand, but as soon as she got ready to visit her daughter, he backed up. On the day of my mother's arrival, a message came from the future son-in-law: “It's great that your mother has arrived! Say hello to her. ” This was the last straw.

Currently, Marina lives with a guy she met in a restaurant, where she earns money after her studies. He is one of a million hard-working immigrants who made his way to the United States from Nepal. Marina is a radiology student and pays about $ 8000 a year in tuition. Expenses for gasoline, food, telephone, household items are added to study expenses. The guy took over the rent. The girl does not lose her presence of mind, and although she is a designer by vocation, she plans to work in medicine:

- This area in the United States has always been reliable in terms of earnings. I like studying because everything works out and I am the best student in the group. We live peacefully with the guy. Sometimes we quarrel over trifles, but there are no serious problems. I would even say that he is a great fellow, since I have been under constant stress for several months (I was over-busy and did not have time to do anything because of my studies and work; now I am going crazy from the lack of stable work and money), and a lot part of the time I am in a depressed mood, and he tries to cheer me up, support, please. I really miss my mother, my friends and acquaintances, some places in Minsk. But I don't want to go back. No matter how difficult it may be, there are still prospects, and the result of the efforts made will certainly be, I see this, looking at the local “ours” who have achieved success. The first time is the hardest. I convince myself that we must continue, try, not give up, be patient, that everything will be fine. So far it has been successful.

Natasha fled to New York from unhappy love and poorly paid work

She decided that a young, well-groomed woman would not be difficult to marry successfully in America. On the first day I registered on the dating site.

Residents of 50 states threw her messages. The woman reacted critically to the nominations and as a result of a rigorous selection left three: the captain of a passenger airliner, the owner of a furniture manufacturing company and eychara of a large corporation.

The appearance of the first was 100% consistent with his sexual profession. The second, in addition to business, was involved in charity work and built a house on the ocean for a future family. The third grew up in Paris, knew several languages, learned to dance tango and even wore a slightly elongated hairstyle, like a prince from Disney cartoons. After two weeks of correspondence, the "furniture maker" arrived on a date. Natasha did not immediately recognize him, since the man looked twenty years older than in the photograph. Ridiculous white shorts exposed old knees, hair grew on the nose, but on the head, on the contrary, it was lacking. There would be to turn around and leave, but the girl did not want to seem rude. The man turned out to be an interesting conversationalist, and the dinner would have been wonderful if it had not been for his "marriage" background.

After taking the girl home, the gentleman pulled his lips with a duck to kiss. Natasha recoiled and said bluntly that she did not see a future with him, to which the man did not lose his head and asked if she had a free girlfriend in mind.

The next in line was the captain of the airliner. With him, it did not even come to communicating on Skype. After a short and mostly one-sided correspondence (the captain answered Natasha's detailed letters with two or three sentences), the man disappeared somewhere and appeared on the horizon only a month and a half later, when Natasha was already in full swing having an affair with the HR from Generel Electrics. In life, he was even more beautiful than in photographs. Gallant, well-read, knowledgeable about food and music. Every Saturday he came to New York from Stamford to take Natasha to a theatrical premiere, a musical or a good restaurant. Somehow, in between times, he let slip that he deleted the profile on the dating site, because he realized that all this was a series of “cats in a poke”, and only Natasha turned out to be an adequate, interesting person. The woman took the hint and deleted her page that very evening. Let him know - she also has serious intentions!

She really enjoyed spending time with a man, and only one thing upset her: her level of English was clearly not enough to communicate on equal terms. Trying to convey a thought to a wonderful interlocutor, Natasha moaned and gesticulated more and more, while he spoke non-native English easily and fluently. Once a woman offered to see each other more often, to which the man replied that she worked a lot and all the days, except for the Sabbath, were scheduled by the hour. This was the first bell. He spent Halloween with friends; Thanksgiving too, when discussing plans for Christmas, did not even give a hint about celebrating him together or in the company of friends with whom he was obviously not in a hurry to acquaint her.

It is not known how long this strange novel would last, but here Natasha had a delay. Two weeks later, she could not stand it and let out the boyfriend, that so, they say, they deny pregnancy tests, but everything can be ... The man smiled - gently and mysteriously. His eyes, as always, glowed with kindness and insight. Holding the girl under the elbow, he said that he had never considered her as the mother of his future children. He is pleased to spend time with her, but he does not feel any particular passion for her. Pregnancy is completely excluded, as it was protected, and, most likely, the cycle was lost due to stress and climate change.

- Well, maybe a cocktail? There is one good bar nearby.

Natasha lowered her gaze and silently shook her head. He dropped her off outside the house, as usual. In the evening, a message came from the “prince”: “I hope I haven't aggravated your stress. See you later".

He no longer reminded of himself with text messages, letters, nor even calls. And the next Saturday, which she was now spending alone, Natasha felt a characteristic pulling pain. The Frenchman was right.

In search of female happiness in America, women often underestimate their former compatriots

However, among the "Russian Americans" there are enough hard-working, intelligent, caring men. With one of these 33-year-old Daria was introduced by a friend. She gave his contact on Skype and a short description: “Calm, intelligent, slightly over forty. Call him - he will show you the city. " Daria was divorced, gave all the time to work (deputy director of a large commercial company) and her eight-year-old son. Meeting in New York with a barely familiar man seemed like a gamble, but, on the other hand, there was nothing to lose.

The first thing Oleg did at the meeting was a bundle, in which lay a children's orange T-shirt. The fact that he bought a gift for his son, very touched Daria and forced to look at the man better. It all began as a non-binding flirtation, but over time the feelings turned into serious intentions to create a family. Several times Daria flew to visit Oleg, sometimes only for the weekend. Despite the modest position in the bank, he did everything to see his beloved as often as possible.

While Oleg is preparing to obtain citizenship and transport his future family to America, Daria teaches herself that she will have to start from scratch in a new country, and her son will replace the prestigious Minsk gymnasium with a regular American school.

But there will be a man nearby who tenderly calls her "Dasha", grabs heavy bags from his hands and sees his task in making her happy. In ordinary life, a rather strict boss and mother, with Oleg, Daria instantly transforms: she behaves like a carefree little girl, and even walks a little skipping.

Entering into a relationship with a foreigner, you need to be prepared for the fact that the luxury of being yourself will not be available to you.

Neither chic English, nor a rich vocabulary, nor love will help. There will be a search for compromises, a game, a redefinition of meanings, gaps that there is nothing to fill in due to the difference in cultures and mentality in which you grew up. Even when you begin to understand each other without words, anticipate each other's needs and desires, a barrel of love honey will be poisoned by “misunderstanding”, longing for your family, a slight accent in the Russian speech of common children, unspoken thoughts and aspirations that your American spouse is probably will write off on premenstrual syndrome.

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