'But he looks normal': what can and cannot be said to the mother of a special child
'26.06.2021'
Source: Air force
The mother of a special child lives in her own special world. It is like a birthmark that appears after the birth of a child and remains with you forever. The only difference is that this imprint is not on the body, but in the head, thoughts, feelings. Further - from the first person.
Special moms do not have to be sorry. Understanding and support are important to them, says BBC News Ukraine Lyudmila Shamray.
In children with mental disorders, the diagnosis is not written on the face. To understand what is wrong with the child is very difficult. And most people perceive your baby as rude, hysterical, spoiled.
Such a child may suddenly hit another child. Or start licking the swing. Or there is grass. Or lie down on the ground. He can be so hysterical that he has to be carried home in his arms. But in fact, this child has serious characteristics. And the fact that he generally walks-runs-speaks is already a victory for his mother.
A special mother can be emotionally and physically devastated, may feel depressed and vulnerable.
The causes of depression are the inability to cope with problems on their own, lack of time for themselves, and uncertainty about the future. Periodically, I feel driven, lonely, miserable. And I need help, attention and care.
But be careful. Wrong words of encouragement can hurt. Don't kick someone who is falling. Do not urge a depressed person to show willpower, because he already has neither the strength nor the will. And you can't hammer nails out of it. Therefore, it is very important to choose the right words. You don't know what to say, just listen - no assessments or comments.
- You should not express your condolences with the words “And your baby looks absolutely normal” or “You cannot tell by him”.
Yes, perhaps you wanted to emphasize that my Bogdan is the same as other children. But in fact, there is nothing more offensive than hearing something like that. Indeed, in order for my son to develop normally and be adapted to the world of ordinary people, I have to spend an incredible amount of energy.
And this “I never would have thought” sounds like a humiliation of my titanic efforts, like a denial of the obstacles that we overcome every day.
- Admiration words like “you are a real heroine” or “you are a very strong woman”, etc. cause a completely different reaction.
I did not take special training courses for special moms. My psyche is not trained to endure constant stress. I could not imagine myself in a world filled with the words "echolalia", "kickbacks", "stims", "nootropics" and others. When you express your admiration, it is as if you are drawing a line between mine and your world.
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I do not consider myself a strong woman. I have been wanting for a long time. I don't want to, but I have to be strong. And I am an ordinary person, with my right to be tired and disappointed. Calls for courage, endurance, etc., on the contrary, convince of complete hopelessness.
- The phrases can also hurt: “The Lord does not give more trials than you can withstand”, “God sends sorrows to those he loves” or “The Lord gives special children only to special people”.
Try these words on yourself. Would they comfort you?
I sometimes think: God, maybe you shouldn't love me so much? It is not worth convincing the mother of a special child, who is physically and mentally exhausted that she still has strength.
When you cry into your pillow at night out of nerves and fear for your child, and during the day you smile crazy with despair, the phrase “God gives ...” is not the best option for overcoming despondency and powerlessness.
- Phrases like "Everything will be fine!" are also inappropriate.
Even doctors in most cases do not know if everything will be fine and when. Therefore, this statement sounds like a mockery. It carries a ban on emotions.
Personally, I hear this: “You create problems for yourself. In fact, your child is doing fine. Just stop thinking about it and everything will be fine! ”.
- Don't say, "Someone has more serious problems than you!" or “Think of those who are worse off!”
DO NOT discount my experiences. Let me show my feelings.
For me, these phrases sound like “Your problems are insignificant in comparison with others”, “You have no right to feel pain”, “Why do others need help, but you don’t?”
If you don’t know what to say (and it’s okay), just hug and say: “I can’t even imagine what you are feeling now, but I see that it’s hard for you.”
- Don't say, "You will be better tomorrow!"
No, it won't. And I know that. I strive for this “better”, and it will certainly “become”, but definitely not tomorrow.
- Often we say, “Oh, are you depressed? I also had depression yesterday. "
But depression isn't just sadness or boredom. My emptiness is much deeper. Better support this way: "I want to understand what is happening to you."
- Phrases “Forget”, “Stop thinking about it”, “Why are you limping?”, “Pull yourself together” will only make it worse.
Recognize the importance of my situation. Let me survive this state. If I want to cry, give me the opportunity to cry. I need time to rethink and accept myself.
- You shouldn't say something like “Drink chamomile tea, it soothes”.
Yes, chamomile tea restores the nervous system, soothes, helps to relax. But when I am scared for the future of my son, believe me, chamomile tea will not save me.
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How to show support, how to signal that you are there? Show that you really care. Try I-Messages. Speak honestly and with all your heart.
- "I'm with you"
- "You can count on me"
- "I am here to support you"
- "You are important to me, let me help you"
- "May I hug you?"
- "You can get over it"
- “I try very hard to understand you and your condition”
- "Don't shut yourself up from me"
- "I worry about you"
- "I love you"
- “I will not leave you alone. We will go through this difficult period together ”
Say: "I `m here for you". Just be there.
It's warm. This is a concern. It means "I care about you, I accept you, I love and support you."
Or don't say anything. We are used to filling the silence with fear of emptiness. And then we start talking about anything. But it is important to be able to listen. Just listen carefully to what you are told. Attention is an invaluable thing that can work miracles.
If your loved one is depressed, do not criticize him. Be patient, be restrained and calm. If a person’s condition does not improve within a month, you should contact a psychotherapist or psychiatrist. Perhaps this is a clinical depression that must be treated with medication.
When I get scared and lonely, the most important thing I want to hear is: “You are not alone! I believe in you! I will always be there and support you! ”
