Not good enough: how America weaned me from the Russian habit of depreciating myself
'12.06.2020'
I am 36 years old, I have four beautiful children and a loving husband. I live in the USA just an hour from the ocean. I go outside and I am surrounded by friendly people, neatly trimmed lawns, flowering trees. But until recently, inside I constantly felt this strange feeling of something lost.
I’m sure you came across articles that with the development of social networks, people began to feel more and more lonely and failed, looking at beautiful photos of more attractive, successful, all-time-loving people. But it has always been so.
I recall my kindergarten when the children I wanted to be friends with were not with me. And then I was not immediately accepted in the first grade (I moved from another district when all the other students were from the same group of kindergarten). And comparisons at a meeting of one of the kindergarten classmates: “Four in Russian? That is OK. But Katya and Julia are excellent students. ”
Even then, I realized that not enough is good.
And this thought, this attitude, stuck in my head. No, I didn’t look specifically, but evidence of my imperfection was constantly found.
“Alena, you could have been an excellent student if you hadn’t been lazy,” “You’re beautiful, but your legs are full” ... And I didn’t need to hear that from someone else, I found confirmation myself. At the art school, more talented classmates, dancing girls who were given solo, girlfriends who were slimmer and already kissed with boys ...
What did this lead to? I began to devalue myself. Masha is beautiful, and Katya is building a career, and Lena goes in for sports, and Marina has a unique hobby, and Vika quotes Mandelstam ... And me? And I, as my dad used to say, "Fedya Khabibulin is no one, and there is no way to call." And to become significant in my own eyes, I had to build, read a bunch of books, make a career ... fly to the moon.
But this, alas, would not be enough.
And now I'm 36. And for the first time I feel good. I am completely comfortable in my inconsistent body. I do not need cosmetics, beauty injections and silicone anything. I do not want to prove to anyone that I am a good Mom. I don’t worry that I can’t boast of a crazy career.
This feeling of freedom was given to me by America. Here on TV in advertising do not show the "ideal" beautiful people. Almost every ad will show people of several races, of different builds and ages. The streets are full of people with different figures, dressed as they like, because this is their business, they are not afraid of general condemnation. Just remember the jokes about “caterpillars in leggings”, “cellulite in short shorts”, etc. in Russia…
What about a career? In Russia, if you are no one in 40, then you are a loser, and in 50 many people already feel old, take stock and begin to prepare for death. In the USA at 50 you can go to study again, change your profession, do business. At 80, become famous and successful.
And the poor Russian women ... Left alone with the child - “divorced with a makeweight”. With two - “no one will marry, why should a man be burdened”. And in America, children from past marriages do not bother anyone. Marriages are not uncommon when the spouses boast that she has four, and he has three from a previous relationship. And after 50 women get married successfully, and they are happy because they are not afraid, because the standard of living allows them to live longer, which means that 50 is not old age.
In the United States, it is not customary to scold children at school for poor grades. The teacher will tell you from all sides about the student's successes, never compare with Petya or Vasya - excellent students, but only in private will recommend to tighten up some knowledge.
And this focus on merits and achievements is in everything. There is even a joke about the American approach (I don’t remember literally, but the essence will be clear), when the professor tells the graduate student about his report: “You did an excellent job, I am very pleased with you, I just dare to suggest you redo something, preferably everything!”
Why am I ?! In addition, for the first time in 36 years of my life, I AM SUFFICIENT, I am self-sufficient. I LIKE MYSELF WITH ALL DISADVANTAGES AND ALL EMOTIONS.
As my friend, Coach on parent-child relations said: “At every moment in time we do what we are most capable of at that moment!”
And this does not mean that I am going to swim in fat, abandon children and I will be content with what I have achieved. On the contrary, now I want more for myself. I want to learn, I want to do dancing again, I want to read a book, watch an interesting movie. All because I feel comfortable.
Because as I am, I am good enough.
The original column is published on Alyona Dyakova’s blog in Instagram.
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